(Closed) Upset with inlaws: too little too LATE

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3039 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

An engagement party more than a year after the fact, and that close to the wedding, is definitely strange and bound to result in awkwardness. I would ask your Fiance to tell his mum that you appreciate the thought, but that you can’t go ahead with it. Perhaps she can throw a small event after the wedding, especially if you don’t get married in the same state as they live.

Post # 4
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Is there anyway that you could ask them for the money that was supposed to be going towards this “engagement party” and put it for the wedding so that you can invited those additional people?

EDIT:  I agree that this is very odd behavior and I would also be offended.  Im sorry that youre going through this – hopefully this is their way to reconcile everything!

Post # 5
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.  I’d be offended too!

 

Post # 6
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@serafina45:  I would definitely say no thanks.  It would be so awkward to tell those family members who arent invited that you are having a small wedding with only close family and friends – like…. what are they? Not close family? 

What if she did somethign after the wedding in the same manner but like a second small reception?

Post # 8
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MrsB1015:  Thats a really good idea!!  A second reception, of sorts!

Post # 9
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I really like the idea of having a second reception type thing instead for those people your in-laws want to invite. It will be 1000x less awkward and it’s something that people actually do all the time.

Post # 10
Member
9548 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t know what to say about your in-laws. I would try to just not let their lack of enthusiasm about the engagement bother you. How did they find out you were engaged? I assume you or your fiance called them? Did they not congratulate you then? Maybe they thought they had already done their congratulating and so they didn’t need to make a big deal about it when you visited them. And as far as not making a big deal about looking at the ring, they probably just forgot. I know the first time I saw my Future In-Laws after we got engaged they didn’t ask to see the ring when we first got there -just regular how’s the drive conversation. It was hours later that his mom said “Oh – I forgot to ask to see the ring!” So maybe they didn’t think about it until the grandparents and aunts came over and were then too embarrased to say anything.

Regardless, I don’t think there’s anything you can do about this beyond just continuing to be nice to them and not let it bother you. That’s what you have contorl over.

As far as this “engagement party” thing, I think it’s really nice that they offered to throw you an engagement party. Especially since you already had one. Nobody on either side offered to throw us an engagement party, but I don’t hold that against anyone. And I can understand the sentiment behind the offer and think it’s nice that they want to introduce you to all the extended family. I would take that as a compliment. But you’re right that it would be weird to have it right before the wedding and not invite all the guests to the wedding. So. Solution: Have them throw a Family Reunion when you can meet all the extended family. That way you don’t have to worry about awkward gift giving but you still get to meet the family. It could be before or after the wedding althought I would probably prefer after.

Post # 11
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MrsB1015:  I really love the idea of a post wedding celebration. That way, you are able to do all the things your Future Mother-In-Law wanted (family can see fiance, meet you), but there is none of the awkwardness of the wedding being in two weeks.

Since your wedding is going to be intimate, it wouldn’t be too out of the ordinary to have a party like that after. I know someone who is doing the exact same thing. A very intimate wedding in her state, but a party for all those who couldn’t be included (due to budget, venue size, travel distance, etc.) a little later.

Post # 13
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m guessing that they didn’t think about having an engagement party until they realized extended family wouldn’t be invited to the wedding.  I get the sense that what your Future Mother-In-Law really wants to do is include them in the wedding fesitivities without asking you to invite them to the wedding.  I think the other posters are on the right track – I’d broach the topic of a separate reception with your Future Mother-In-Law.

ETA: Just saw your update.  Confirms what I was thinking.  She wants these people to be invited to the wedding but doesn’t want or can’t afford to pay for them.  I think the pre-wedding party is way too awkward for all the reasons you state.  Luckily you and your Fiance have the luxury of saying no, since you’re paying for the wedding on your own.  Stick to your guns.  (And sorry that you have all these bad feelings surrounding the situation – sometimes parents mean well but are totally misguided.)

Post # 15
Member
3039 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@serafina45: If she wants more for him, how about her contributing towards it? As she doesn’t, just politely let her know that you do not want an engagement party. She can’t very well host it without you!

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