(Closed) Upsetting hurtful way that invitations address bride

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 242
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I didn’t change my name and it does really piss me off when I get letters addressed to “Mr and Mrs DHfirst Dhlast” —- but only when the people who sent it KNOW I didn’t change my name. Occasionally, I’ll joking refer to my DH as “Mr. Mylastname” but he thinks its cute/funny.


Post # 243
854 posts
Busy bee

I’m secure in myself and my place in the world….this doesn’t bother me in the least. Since getting married I’ve had several ppl ask me if I’ll be mrs. “Husbands full” or if Im keeping my name. I gladly say I’ll be Mrs “his whole name”. 

I am a traditional bride I guess, I don’t think anyone means this as an insult or to say you have no identity….

Post # 244
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… lol

— — —

Talk about cutting off one’s nose… to spite one’s face !!

Seriously ??

OP you are offended because you don’t like the way that a Wedding Invite came to you… showing the traditional form of address:

Mr & Mrs John Doe

As someone else said, perhaps you have too much time on your hands so as to worry about such a trivial first-world problem.

And as noted… in regards to your Original Posting… you also have your facts wrong:

If you were a Dr. then it would have been Dr. Jane Doe & Mr. John Doe…

Which makes me think… WHY then wouldn’t the man be offended… that YOU the Dr. who just so happened to have the ability … be that brains or financial to get a higher level of education come first ???

Forms of address are indeed based on Traditonal Etiquette… BUT as noted by other Bees, they are easy enough to “correct” to whatever format someone prefers

You just indicate YOUR Preferance when you reply.

In so much, as Proper Etiquette dictates that consideration for a Guest’s comfort is of utmost importance…

But I digress, from my main point.


I am waaay more offfended by your referring to / calling the person (we don’t know for a fact it was the Bride) who addressed this Wedding Invite as:


To bring this up, mention it in your post… is well BEYOND Tasteless…

[moderated for namecalling, snark]

Seriously… this is the hill you want to die on today ??

[moderated for snark, personal attack]

The USA was formed into a country almost 250 Years ago, bringing together the North & South, East & West… Republicans & Democrats alike, into one republic.

And yet you’d prefer to reflect upon a time when the “Yankee battled the Confederates”… how when one group felt it was some how more worthy / supreme / or smarter than another.


You have much larger problems in life than how your mail is addressed !!

— — —

For the record, I am not a Republican, Democrat… or even an American.

[moderated for namecalling, personal attack]

Post # 245
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

View original reply
@This Time Round:  OMG this +10000000000000. I highly doubt anyone but the OP will disagree.

Post # 246
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I also noticed that the OP is on another thread asking posters to help spread awareness about envelope etiquette dehumanizing women, saying “Let us educate others about this. We need to keep in mind that addressing her as a human being with a name is important because she is important…” This is why I’m appealing to the OP to A. Judge by intent (was your friend really being sexist?) B. Pick a fight with sexism not your firend. C. Look at the underlying issue. Being upset/hurt about the lack of your first name used on an envelope, writing these posts at 4 am (on multiple threads), and asking others to join a “movement” to encourage others to only address married couples by both their first names- all seems like an underlying issue to me. 


Seriously, children are people too…If one family sent little Jane a birthday invitation to little Jim’s birthday addressing it to the “Doe Family”, are you going to be upset that they didn’t put the girl’s first name on the envelope…when is it going to end? I just think your hurt is directed towards the wrong person, unless you have other issues with that person that were not made known. Ok, that’s it for me on this thread! LOL! 🙂

Post # 247
2890 posts
Sugar bee

@EMCasey:  I agree with you. I would be totally offended if only my husband’s name would be on the invite. Fortunately, here it is illegal for a bride to change her name for her husband’s, so people never adress invites with ”Mr and Mrs (guy’s name) (guy’s last name). 

Post # 248
1853 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It’s an envelope. As long as it doesn’t say “That bitch you’re chained to” I’m cool with whatever they decided to put there

Post # 250
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
@chocolatejazz:  The crazy thing is that thread is from 5 years ago. She clearly had to search it out…

Post # 252
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@MissFireFlower:  Trying to think of an excuse to address an envelope to some friends  while including “That bitch you’re chained to.” That is so amazing. 

Post # 254
3765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

View original reply
@LMD84:  I can think of one couple I should have addressed this way, lol.

Post # 255
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

View original reply
@This Time Round:  I love you for this post!  Amen and +1,000 to everything!

View original reply
@MissFireFlower:  love this. I must try to think of a way to address letter to “the bitch/bastard you’re chained to”. Too funny!

Post # 256
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I didn’t read all the responses (seriously, crazy long thread for being about names on envelopes!) but I wanted to include my two cents as a person who also hates using Mrs. John Doe.

For myself, we are both taking both last names. I’m not sure there is even a standard etiquette in that case (would it be Mr. & Mrs. John Smith Doe?), but I prefer Mr. & Mrs. John and Jane Smith Doe. I also know that most people who know me would know I would not like Mrs. John Doe. Etiquette is for the comfort of your guests, if you know a person would prefer things slightly off old school traditional etiquette, I think you would better follow etiquette by doing what they prefer. So if I felt someone was intentionally ignoring how I would like to be addressed, yes that would offend me (in the same way it offended me when FI’s mom gave me a Mrs. HisLastName mug when we first got engaged, after he told her that I probably wouldn’t be changing my name at all. It’s just rude to think that your opinion about someone else’s name is more important than their own.  But all you can do is correct people (use what you prefer on an RSVP, thank you note, whatever) and hope they get it. A lot of people also probably just wouldn’t know what you would prefer, and in that case I find it irritating but not offensive.

But the flip side of that is that some people do prefer Mrs. John Smith. For our invitations, I did both ways, depending on what I thought the person would prefer. For people that I didn’t know and couldn’t really guess, I did Mr. & Mrs. John and Jane Doe, because that is what I find least likely to be offensive. IF anyone sends their RSVPs back the other way, I will try to remember that for thank you notes and anything else later (although most other things I would mail I would probably just drop the Mr. & Mrs. anyway).

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