Upsetting hurtful way that invitations address bride

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 348
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@pineapplez17:  I think that you touched on the OP’s point. Why is it on an invitation the female half of the relationship is being addressed as Mrs. husband’s name? She is saying that the woman in the relationship is being recognized as a particular man’s wife not as herself. The OP is simply saying that HisFirstName HisLastName and HerFirstName HisLastName are two separate people and should be addressed as such.

Post # 350
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It doesn’t bother me at all to be addressed as Mrs. Husband’s name. BUT if I offended a friend addressing invites like that, I would not mind at all if she told me.  In the future I would address her stuff differently.  I think it is a matter of respecting everyone’s opinion.

Post # 351
Member
5189 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Doesn’t insult me at all. In fact one of the first things I purchased after we got married were address labels that said Mr. and Mrs. (his first and last name). I am an individual with my own achievements and credentials but I’m also very proud to be his wife.

Post # 352
Member
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@EMCasey:  Do you not understand that you’re being just as condescending and rude when you keep repeating how you feel “sorry” for those of us who don’t agree with you because we “don’t understand the subtleties of the misogyny in today’s society.”  By saying we are deserving of you pity is just as condescending as telling you to get over and find something else to worry about. 

The irony is hilarious. 

I understand your argument but I happen to disagree.  I have an advanced degree in psychology and am well aware that there is plenty of misogyny in today’s society. I still don’t agree with you. You do your argument no favors by making what you may perceive to be clever, pitying comments about how the husbands’s of women on here must like “crass” women. Get over yourself.  I must have missed the memo on who died and appointed you the new Emily Post. 

Post # 353
Member
2255 posts
Buzzing bee

@EMCasey: “I am sorry that you don’t understand that subtle implications can actually be pretty powerful. If you have a daughter and a son consider sending her to school with an X on her notebooks, backpacks, sweatshirts… and with your boy make sure that everyone knows his name and calls your daughter little pink X”

 

 

 

That would actually be kind of cool. It would really help in cutting down on all that tedious paperwork at the doctor’s office and stuff when all I have to do is put an ‘X’ for her name. 

 

 

Post # 354
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Trinisexy2:  I understand what her point is, but I don’t think she is making her point the best way. I think her point is being lost in the way that she suggests people who do not feel the same way are somehow lacking intelligence. It can sometimes be difficult to properly construct an argument when you are so upset and passionate about something. And it’s fine if she wants to be addressed as Ms. Hername Lastname & Mr. Hisname Lastname (which works regardless of whether or not they share a last name). But the term “Mrs.” would no longer be appropriate. And again, that’s fine. She just doesn’t need to insult others for not sharing the opinion.

Post # 355
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I can’t believe how rude people are being in this thread.  Don’t close it, though — leave it here so people can see others’ true colors.  

 

The fact is, it is an outdated custom to address envelopes that way.  It’s sexist.  

 

 

AND wasn’t there someone here who said it’s women who CREATE problems for women???  Imagine if someone said that about a minority group.  

Post # 356
Member
7433 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@EMCasey:  I’m sorry you’re so easily offended by everything that people say to you. That must make life tough.

Post # 357
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I just don’t see how the invitation issue stands on its own – it is a symptom of a greater societal issue, that women change their identities to reflect their status as “wife” upon marriage. They change their name to match their husband’s and they go by Mrs. So when a man is married, his name identity changes not at all, but when a woman is married, hers changes significantly to show that she is the wife of this particular man. ALL the invitation is doing is reflecting this social reality.

I do understand the effects this subtle misogyny has. It tells girls that the most important abd life changing thing they can do is marry a man and be a wife. And it tells men that marriage has no impact on their identity as an individual while their woman must change for them. So guess what? I didn’t fucking change my name. All our formal invitations are addressed after marriage exactly as their were before.

Post # 358
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Attitudes like those expressed on this issue, along with a couple of others, are why I am uncomfortable calling myself a feminist. In spite of having a lot of feminist beliefs.

PPs are correct that according to etiquette, we should address people the way they wish to be addressed. So if you have a hair-flaming aunt who you know will meltdown if she is called Mrs. Husband name, don’t write that on the envelope.

But at the same time – people aren’t mind readers. If you took your husband’s last name you really don’t have any excuse to be angry about them adding his first name too. I mean, are you only 50% his property since you only have 50% of his name?

with all due respect, give me a break. If you believe that naming indicates “owning” and are super sensitive about it, then you should have kept your own first name AND last name.

That makes it easy for people addressing envelopes, and the rest of society to figure out your preferences, doesn’t it. instead of having to guess, “well, she took his last name so she’s probably traditional. BUT she majored in women’s studies so maybe she’s an arch-feminist?”

And make sure if you have kids you don’t slap your last name or your husband’s last name or even a combination on them. You don’t believe your children are your chattel. Right?

The truth is people aren’t trying to make sexist or identity statements when they address envelopes. They’re trying to get a beaver dam invitation out.

PS Proud Mrs Hisfirst Hislast here. And I chose to broadcast that preference by changing my last name.

Post # 359
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Magdalena:  more like 2/3 his if you are MRS first HISLAST

Post # 360
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@EMCasey:  I find it hilarious that by disagreeing with you I am crass, snarky and mean. I wasn’t. I stated my point and then gave you a solution.

Post # 361
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@distracts:  good point. I once knew a woman who kept her own first and last name but insisted people start calling her Mrs. Herfirst Herlast.

The mixed messages made my brain sad.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors