(Closed) URGENT ADVICE NEEDED!!!

posted 6 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
7409 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ok, first of all.  If a child is old enough to be left home alone they are too old to be spanked.  I also think that a 12 year old is too young to decide who they want to live with. 

I am confused… you say about the dad “he has been telling them that they can choose to live with him when they turn 14″  Is more than one of your children his? Or only the 12 year old?

What does your custody arrangement say?

Post # 4
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

It sounds like living at your house is probably better for her in the long run.  I hate to say it, but she is being a 12 year old.  Chances are, you’re going to be dealing with this for the next few years.  🙁

If I were in your shoes (I’ve been there, actually, but in your daughter’s shoes), I would not voluntarily let her live with her dad.  My mom didn’t let me, and I am so incredibly thankful, 13 years later!

Post # 5
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think your going to need to start transitioning yourself with how to discipline and negotiate with a ” teen” aged child. She wants to go to her fathers because she at the moment perceives it to be a better life. Being spanked and micromanaged are the last thing a 12 year old wants. She clearly wants to gain independence and trust, but needs guidelines and building blocks.

I also suggest sitting down with your ex and talking about both the kids, expectations, and living conditions. Be firm and in agreement, because if your not, the kids will play he said /she said and get through all the loop holes.

Post # 7
Member
46416 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you think your ex would cooperate, I suggest you come up with a set of ground rules that you both can agree with.

I see a bit of a contradiction in your positions. You feel that a 12 year old is old enough not only to stay home by herself, but also to supervise a 10 year old sibling. On the other hand, you feel she is too young to ride her bike across an intersection.

Siblings fight. That is the nature of their relationship at that age.

Post # 8
Member
7409 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I vote no- don’t let her move in with dad.  She is 12- she will be unhappy with the rules- whatever house she is in.  Are you and the dad on good terms?  I think the best thing you can do is present a united front- you and the dad get on the same page- wherever she lives.

Post # 10
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I dont understand how they can have a choice as to where they want to live if thats not the custody agreement…

Post # 11
Member
5762 posts
Bee Keeper

It sounds like they are still too young to be left alone unsupervised, so you need to make other arrangements for them for the summer. Nothing but trouble can come of them being left alone all day to fend for themselves, especially when they don’t get along. This is only the beginning , and allowing them too much freedom will come back and bite you in the butt. Some 12 yr. olds are mature enough to handle that responsibility, but others (clearly) are not.

You have to be able to set some ground rules for them and make sure they are followed…..supervised. Is there a day camp they can attend which will keep them busy?

Post # 12
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

These situations are so hard. I went through the same thing with my parents when I was your daughter’s age. They divorced when I was 10, my mom had primary custody, but when I was 14 I signed an affidavit to give primary custody to my dad. It was a horrible feeling having to “choose” sides. I ultimately did it because I felt like it was fair to give my dad a chance to have custody of us (I have an older brother too). I know my mom probably had some negative things to say about us going to live in my dad’s “bachelor” pad too. In the end what really mattered was not which parent we lived with, but how our parents behaved with us.

From my own experience, I think it would be best to let your daughter make that decision for herself, but let her know that you support her no matter what. I remember feeling so, so guilty for signing the affidavit. My mom was hurt and did not hide that. It really did put a strain on our relationship for several years. It was such a bad feeling, especially at such a sensitive age. Whatever happens, just be sure to stand behind your daughter and let her know she is loved.

Also, on a side note: I wouldn’t take her too seriously when she says she wants to go live with her dad after an argument. She might mean it, but she might not. I used to say stuff like that to my parents out of anger just to get a rise out of them.

Post # 14
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Kids say this all the time. I would say go ahead and live with your father then, but thats just me. They do not live with their father, so they assume it must be better then their current situation. When my parents got divorced, I was actually spoiled by both them and was forced to choose between the two of them. Mind you before this they were pretty severe when it came to discipline. I am talking hair pulling and getting a good swat to the mouth every now and then. (Honestly, if all I had gotten was a spanking, I would have been very blessed.) That completely stopped after the divorce. One time I had snuck out of the house and my mom threw a fit, I went into spoiled teenager mode and said I wanted to live with my dad. I never actually went through with it though. I remember that I had actually had it pretty good. My dad had a new family with two very hyper kids that I could not stand, plus I would not get all the things I wanted that my mom gave me. I would come last to his kids, sad fact, but I realized that on my own when I got older.

I am confused, because you have primary custody. Why 14? I thought they couldn’t decide this until they were a bit older. Maybe I am wrong or the laws are different in California.

Post # 15
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Aicyla22:  When you’re 14 you have the option to legally decide for yourself by signing an affidavit.

Post # 16
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

You spanked a 12 year old? For real?

I think this is a communication issue with the dad as much as it is with your child. It sounds like you guys aren’t very good at being on the same page about parenting. I think you should work on things from that end. As soon as your kid is a teenager, she’s not going to particularly listen to either of you, so that may complicate things.

The topic ‘URGENT ADVICE NEEDED!!!’ is closed to new replies.

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