Post # 1
Hi everyone, I’m new here. Not sure if I need advice, understanding, or a kick in the butt. I feel humiliated and don’t want to tell friends/family.
Short story: he proposed to me in our messy bedroom during my least favorite holiday 20 minutes before guests arrived. The ring box was dirty and used. The ring itself is also used, hasn’t been cleaned, and has scratches all over the band from wear. He purchased the ring from his friend, who bought the ring for his then-girlfriend (now WIFE) as a birthday gift for her right hand 6 years ago. There are tons of pictures on Facebook of her wearing it for around two years or so.
He knows I don’t really care much for holidays, but I especially dislike Christmas. It’s extremely stressful, expensive, and I don’t have good memories of Christmas. There is nothing about Christmas that I enjoy. Why he decided to propose to me on my least favorite holiday IMMEDIATELY before his family arrived is beyond me. We’ve had litreally ZERO alone time since he proposed. It was basically, “I love you. Will you marry me? Sorry I didn’t get you any other presents.”
Now for the ring itself. I told him I didn’t need/want a super expensive ring. I did tell him some specifics, such as I don’t like plain solitaires and the setting shouldn’t be too high. The ring is a super plain solitaire with the diamond set so high, I can’t touch my hair or put on anything long-sleeved. Other than that, it’s VERY obviously used. It hasn’t been cleaned and desperately needs to be buffed. There are scratches all over the gold. It’s not shiny at all. You can tell just by looking at it that it’s very used. He also didn’t have it appraised or insured; he has the original appraisal papers from 2008 in the name of the friend’s wife….who happens to be my former coworker and we are friends. There is an album on Facebook from 2008 titled “My Birthday” in which she has lots of pictures of it. There are many pictures over 2 years or so of her wearing it. Thinking back, I remember being at work and her showing it to us. “Wow, nice birthday present!” Anyway, she stopped wearing the ring once they got engaged and she got a different ring.
So…..I got my friend’s old birthday present that she didn’t want anymore as my engagement ring and only Christmas gift. Horray!
This topic was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by .
Post # 2
It would be sad to me too to get a dirty ring. However, it sounds like it’s actually good quality. Maybe he didn’t sterilize it to preserve the juju from your friend’s happy marriage. Or maybe he’s just a dude who didn’t think of cleaning it or didn’t really look at it before giving it to you. Nicely tell him it would look better cleaned, and then get some jewelry cleaner and clean it. Or, better yet, ask him to buy you one of those ultrasonic jewelry cleaners :).
Post # 3
I’m so sorry…I’ve got no advice for you. I feel bad that you had to go through something like that. I would definitely be upset if that happened to me.
DH says that the least your Fiance could’ve done was clean up the ring and make it a “new” ring for new memories with you and not make it obvious that he bought a used RHR.
Although the fact that you specifically stated that you didn’t want a solitaire or a high setting and that’s what he got you shows that he didn’t put a lot of thought into this ring or your proposal.
Post # 4
What a half-assed proposal
Post # 6
Well… Normally I just say suck it up and be grateful…but That is awkward, especially that you know her! Could you just keep the stone and get it reset in a setting you love? Sell the gold in the setting to help finance it.
Your issues with the proposal itself you’ll have to take up with your Fiance. He sounds a little clueless but if you want to be with him forever the proposal is pretty insignificant in the scheme of things. But not bothering to get it polished and get a pretty new ring box would bug me too.
Post # 7
I think you need to talk to him…wearing a ring that someone you know discarded is not cool. You’ve seen it before, she will see it on you, the whole thing is not cool. Talk to him and trade it in for something you like.
Post # 8
If you hate the setting have the stone re – set. If it’s dirty that nothing a cleaning won’t help and if it’s the wrong size they will polish it up anyhow.
I wouldn’t like that it was my friends either honestly. Someone I didn’t know ..no problem. But hey, it’s a solitair (don’t like those either) it’s not like it doesn’t look like every other solitair ring out there..lol.
I’d just get a new setting. Make it your ring.
As for hating christmas. .maybe this was his way of trying to make you love it? Unless you don’t plan on having kids of course because when u have a family u can’t be all grinchy when your children are basking in magic.
Post # 9
Ok, so what’s done is done and you have a ring you dislike, at best.
Regarding the proposal, I’d have a converstaion with him. Not something where he feels like he dissappointed you or being attacked, but maybe one where you ask him why he chose that moment to do it. Maybe he was just in the moment and really wanted to marry you (sorta cute). I know that means not a lot of thought was put into it, but if it was sincere and spontanious then he wasn’t likely thinging about how much you dislike Christmas. At the end of the day though, he still proposed and you said yes.
Regarding the ring, get a new setting! It can be one you love and is all yours. No one needs to know the diamond was from your friends ring. Pick out a beaufitul setting that you will be happy with and put the diamond he proposed with in it. Problem solved 🙂
Post # 10
I don’t have anything good to say about the ring, but maybe he proposed to you on Christmas so that you could have a good memory of the holiday that could maybe lessen the bad memories.
Post # 11
“ He knows I don’t really care much for holidays, but I especially dislike Christmas. It’s extremely stressful, expensive, and I don’t have good memories of Christmas. There is nothing about Christmas that I enjoy. Why he decided to propose to me on my least favorite holiday IMMEDIATELY before his family arrived is beyond me.
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Maybe he wanted to give you a happy Christmas memory because he knows it’s a tough time of year? Maybe he thought is would be s perfect time because you could then celebrate with family?
“Other than that, it’s VERY obviously used. It hasn’t been cleaned and desperately needs to be buffed. There are scratches all over the gold. It’s not shiny at all. You can tell just by looking at it that it’s very used. He also didn’t have it appraised or insured”<br /><br /><br />
How much does yout Fiance know about jewelry? Does he wear any? What appears to be a careless attitude could really be naivety. He probably thought it looked good to his clueless eye, not knowing it needed cleaned. Also, maybe he thought he’d get the best ring for you for his money getting it second hand from his friend?
Is there any reason you can’t reset the stone into asetting you love? You guys could shop for a new setting together, and make it rmantic and fun. Really, I think you need to cut him a break. Not all guys know the rules of the romcom proposal story, and he may have thought he did great.
ETA: Can you post a pic and stats?
Post # 12
I think you are being hard on him. Maybe he was able to afford a nicer/larger/better ring by buying his friend’s ring than buying something new and since he had it couldn’t wait to propose? Some guys can’t catch a break, if they sit around with the ring they get in trouble for making their girlfriend’s wait longer, but if they do it right away and it’s not the right day they still get in trouble.
Being scratched and used wouldn’t bother me. Gold scratches, whatever. My rings are full of scratches and I will never worry about having them buffed out. And lots of rings look the same, no one is going to look at you and think “omg! that was someone else’s ring first!”
It’s fine to not like the ring, just talk to him. Ask if you can help design or pick out a ring that would better suit your personal style. But be prepared for him to be hurt that you do not want the ring he proposed with. I would not mention anything about it being a dirty, used ring. Just stick to the fact you don’t like the style. Don’t mention being disappointed in the way he proposed. Not ever proposal needs to be fairy tale worthy and that’s ok.
Post # 14
I get that you’re upset about the circumstances of the proposal/ring. I would be too.
BUT if you would otherwise be ecstatic about being engaged to him and know he is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, I recommend crying for another 5.8 minutes about it and then setting it aside in your mind and turn your attention to enjoying the fact that the two of you are going to be married.
If if you really want another ring, talk to him about it. If you’re ok with keeping it but want it cleaned and polished, talk to him about that.
But in any case, I’d try my best not to dwell on how it happened and how it could have been better. Nothing changes the fact that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, so focus on that. Congrats!
Post # 15
You have got some great advice from previous posters! So my only suggestion is to talk to your fiance about having the diamond reset. You could turn in the gold from the current setting to help fund your new ring. I want to recommend a website that has tons of semi mounts for great prices, it’s also where I got my setting. It’s called amcordesign.com, they have great quality rings and outstanding customer service. I’m sorry your proposal wasn’t everything you wanted, but hey your going to marry the love of your life! Goodluck and congrats