Post # 1
So my DH has been unemployed for a while, but we were planning our wedding long in advance of him being unemployed…so the show went on! Before this, he had racked up considerable CC debt.
For a wedding gift, my parents gave me a considerable amount of money that covers about 90% of the cost of my wedding. I was very grateful.
However, most of the monye is going to be used to pay off my DH’s cc debt. He has made verbal promises to watch his spending in the future.
What I am unhappy about is this: His father is a very well to do doctor who has his own practice. There was no offer of help from his side of the family and I have not heard a word of thanks or appreciation from him about my parents basically paying for the wedding thus freeing up our money to pay off his credit card debt that he wracked up through years of careless spending. I don’t know how I should bring this up to rectify my feelings of unfairness.
Furthermore, he has an aunt from his father’s side of the family (the same father that is not offering any financial support in our time of need), who is not doing very well. She is in her 50’s, still in school, and working as a waitress. He feels responsible for her for some reason and wants to take what we have in our savings to start a business to create a flow of income for her. Sidenote- he does believes that the business is a great idea and will take off, so it is not specifically to help out the aunt, or so he says.
I feel like he is not finacially loyal to me or to the family (children, specifically) that I want to start with him. How do I bring up my hurt feelings and my concerns without making it sound like I am “siding with my family” for giving us financial support, and blaming his family for being a financial burden?
Post # 2
Wow I’d run. Finaces are the number one reason couples get divorced. you should not be paying his debt he should be. If he can not take care of himself he should not try to take care of an aunt. It all seems bad. Maybe so counciling before the wedding? You are not his gravy train.
Post # 3
…why is it his parent’s job to pay for his debt? He’s a grownup.
Post # 4
Reading your post, it seemed like you were not married yet, since you discussed finances and support in terms of your parents and their ability to pay. Since you are married, I think it’s time to accept that *his* CC debt is *both* of your debt. Since you are a legally married couple, it seems like both of you need to learn to discuss your finances together and get on the same page.
Post # 5
It’s not. My main grievance is that he seems to think that my parents SHOULD pay for the wedding when we had previously talked about this and agreed that it’s neither side’s responsiblity and we would pay for it ourselves. However now that my parents have paid, there hasn’t been a word of thanks from him.
He has been making a real effort to find a new job, and I know that if he had one he would be able to pay off his CC debt fairly quickly. He is a very responsible person and this stint of unemployment has been very hard on him psychologically, especially since he recently received a job offer and had it recinded through no fault of his own. It’s more about his attitude towards my parents and also his strange devotion to his father’s side of the family rather than our future.
Post # 6
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
Keep the money for your wedding.
Have him do an interest free CC debt transfer onto another card and work at paying it off over time. At least that way, you’re not paying an insane amount of interest.
It’s not your family’s responsibility to pay off his CC debt. I mean, I could *maybe* justify student loan debt, but even that is stretching it. It’s also not your parent’s responsibility to pay for your wedding either, especially if you’re both two functioning adults.
Post # 7
So because he’s a well off Doctor this obligates him to give you money when dh gets reckless with credit cards? Holey entitlement. No. Not his job to bail his son out. Your parents choice to give you money was their choice and their business. Just because someone makes a very good living does not mean they are on the hook for everyone else’s issues.
Post # 8
Both Fiance and I have debt (mine is tuition and his is consumer), we are working TOGETHER to get everyth8ing paid off, and we have both had to make sacrtifices in order to do so.
It is not his familiy’s responsibility to pay off his debt. The amount your parents gave you was a “gift” and together as a couple made the decision to use it towards debt.
At this point in time, it doesn’t sound like you both have the means to finance a start up. Sit him down and express your concerns the way you have here. You are supposed to be building a future TOGETHER.
Post # 9
You sound totally illogical. It’s not his parents responsibility to pay off his debt just because yours is contributing to your wedding. And he does not sound responsible at all like you claim him to be. He seems like a freeloading jackass.
I agree with PP- he shouldn’t be worrying about starting a business to take care of anyone when he can’t even take care of himself. And the only other perso he should be worrying about taking care of right now is YOU!
Post # 10
I wouldn’t let my parents pay for FI’s spending debt.that sends a very misguided message. He got himself into this and he needs to get out of it.
also his failure to thank your parents is embarrassing in its entitlement.
His credit card debt is your debt in most (? Many) states once you’ve married. I honestly wouldn’t have married someone who took money from my parents to pay off their cc debt, sorry bee. It just seems very immature. As PP noted, his father’s financial status doesn’t dictate that he owes his son a dollar.
Post # 11
His parents do NOT need to put any money towards a wedding, let alone their son’s debt. Totally wrong of you to think that- please drop it from your mind entirely.
Now. If you are getting married, you should probably discuss finances a bit more in depth since you could/will be liable for his debt. I would take the cash you are getting from your parents, pay off the debt and then cut up his credit cards. He needs prepaid cards or something. CCs have such a high interest it’s not worth it (IMO) to put that money into savings when it could do some real good.
I mean, the business, IDK. Maybe suggest they speak with a financial counsellor, because it doesn’t sound like a great option right now. Between a wedding and CC debt, he shouldn’t be displacing MORE money.
Post # 12
Can’t tell the timeline very well from your post. If your parents gave you money before the marriage, that is your SEPARATE property. If he incurred the debt before the wedding, that is his SEPARATE debt. No, debt does not automatically become community obligations upon marriage.
It is naive and rash to use your separate property to pay someone else’s separate debt.
Also do not use “the rest of your savings” on his aunt or any other non-dire-emergency reason. You need a cushion. Without it, one stumble and you’re trapped in an endless spiral of debt and poverty.
Post # 13
Why are you having a wedding you clearly can’t afford? If you have to use the money for the wedding for CC debt, you can’t afford it. Do your parents know this is where their money is going?
Post # 14
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
How can he be in so much credit card debt, yet simultaneously be able to start a business on a whim??? Something doesn’t make sense here…
Post # 15
Don’t mean to derail but does that include student loans too? I incurred those before marriage but DH is paying them (as we were told he is responsible for) as I am not working. I thought all debt becomes the responsibility of both once married whether it was incurred before or after.