Post # 31
I do not agree with it, but somehow many people seem to think that the bride’s side of the family pays for a wedding. Furthermore, there are those on the groom’s side who have it to offer but do not offer yet spend their time complaining about every little thing. It sucks.
Post # 32
This is confusing. You’re already married so the wedding is already paid for. No? Where did that money come from? Did you save the bulk of it or did he?
Now the gift from your parents…I think what I am feeling is that you are resentful that the money that you received from your parents is now (since the wedding has been paid) going to be used to pay your husband’s credit cards off. What is it that you would prefer to do with the money?
He isn’t working (which you knew), he has debt (you were aware) and these debts need to be paid. If he isn’t working, surely you realize you’re paying his credit card debt anyway – only in monthly increments that continue to accrue interest. Wouldn’t it be wiser to knock them all down and save you in the long run?
What I’m hearing is a lot of him vs her instead of US and OURS and it’s not a great start. You guys need to start thinking as a FINANCIAL TEAM. Speaking of which, that shit with Auntie wouldn’t fly with me either. Either you BOTH agree to do it or you BOTH don’t do it. There is no more me and you to it. You guys need an $$$ intervention.
Note I didn’t mention anything about his parents – it’s irrelevant.
Post # 33
tenshinchan : oh my god. Did anyone think of a prenup before you got married? Is it too late to get one? You need to protect your I mean YOUR future! Does he have health insurance? Is he on your plan? Before starting a business I would make sure he figures these things out. I dated a guy once who put his family ahead of me. Did everything they asked, his web design business dried up while we were dating and his family never offered to help him. I cringe when I think about how I stopped contributing to my 401k that year. I can’t get over it that was the stupidest dumbest thing I have ever done. I honestly thank god I didn’t marry him and thank god we broke up. I would have been financially devastated. My fiancé now is so different so much more responsible and we can grow a future and a safety net together.
Post # 34
Postpone or downsize the wedding and transfer the credit card to an interest free one HE pays off. What’s with the savings? If it’s his money he can do what he wants. If it’s both your money take your part and put it in a savings account in your name. Basically unwind your finances from this man as he is a sinking ship
Post # 35
Beegritte : I think it’s too late. Wedding already happened.
Post # 36
get a postnup agreement.. that cc debt of his is his alone. it sounds like he’s adept at making terrible financial decisions.
Post # 37
I’m confused: when you say you are angry that HE hasn’t thanked your family for paying for the wedding/debt do you mean your Darling Husband or your FIL?
If you meant Father-In-Law he owes you no money and no thanks. Likely he is trying to teach his son a lesson in financial responsibility…
Post # 38
It isn’t his parents’ job to pay off his credit card debt. His parents might have different values than your parents. Instead of paying for everything and helping you guys coast through life, maybe they are trying to teach him about hard work and what happens when you are irresponsible. Also, when a man proposes he is basically saying he is ready to man up and take charge of his life, and to take it to the next level. So getting rid of his debt on his own should be the first thing in his to do list.
Post # 39
tenshinchan : His parents may be trying to teach their son a lesson in financial responsibilty. He needs to learn how to dig himself out of dept. If he learns that lesson on his own, through money he has earned and must pay off the debt himself, he might rein in what you call his “reckless spending” habit. Being bailed out isn’t doing anyone a favor.
How do your parents feel about the money gifted to you for your wedding, going instead to pay off his debts? Are they OK with that?
As far as the aunt, I don’t see why he is setting up a business for her in the first place – much less while she is still in school. That places a burden on her, no? If it is such a money making deal, why not set it up for himself, to benefit his future family?
He is not prioritizing your wedding plans or your financial future together. I suspect if you stay with him this will be a long festering issue unless clear boundaires are set now, and he shows he can respect them. Saying he will be more responsible in the future is easy – actually changing a long term spending habit can be hard.
ETA – I did find your original post a bit confusing, I apologize if I misunderstood anything.
Post # 40
Wow the outpouring of judgement here is pretty overwhelming.
I was looking for suggestions and advice on how to bring up a prickly subject but instead got a boatload of judgement from people misunderstanding my original post as a demand that Father-In-Law pay for the wedding.
Sorry to the few people who tried to give decent advice but got buried in the negativity.
Post # 41
Update and clarification since some people seem confused.
Yes the wedding has already happened. No there is no pre-nup. My husband is a proud man and money is not subject that he likes to talk about which is why I cannot talk about this to my friends or his friends. However, he has put down his pride and we have discussed this subject in depth prior to getting married. He wanted to take the rest of the year to pay off his own CC debt before comingling funds, but because of the surprise lay off earlier this year (February) this has put a damper on his plans. He has been trying to find a job but not been successful.
I asked him last night why he didn’t thank my parents for their help while they were here and that I was personally upset that I allowed my parents to pay for the wedding thus adhereing to the age old tradition of the bride’s family paying for everything. As a proud, independent female it made me feel bad. He said he didn’t know how to thank my parents and that was his mistake, but he later became very upset and and again said he will take care of his CC debt by himself. This was not what I wanted because I wanted to clear out his CC debts so we could begin on a clean slate.
I also asked him about why he felt so responsible for his aunt. He said it was because his aunts raised him and therefore he felt responsible. He is not trying to start a venture to support his aunt – he wants to start this venture anyways and his aunt would be helpful in making sure that the business is run well. I do feel uncomfortable taking away from our savings so early on, but he was supportive when I wanted to invest with my father in a real estate venture and went in 50/50 with me.
I am hoping to have a more productive conversation with him tonight because last night’s conversation I was half asleep since we woke me up to talk to me. I will update later.
Post # 42
tenshinchan : Thank you for the clarification! Which prickly subject do you wish to bring up?
– we cross posted – I see your second update now. You seem to be dealing with it well. Best wishes as you move forward.
And, my apologies again, I was one of those who misunderstood. I didn’t even realize you were married! Sorry!
Post # 43
tenshinchan : Now that you guys are married the two of you are the family, it’s not about his and yours, instead of thinking that way maybe you should think about what your family wants/needs are and discuss them.
Post # 44
He definitely sounds financially irresponsible , but that’s not his parents’ problem. He is an adult , you are an adult , his parents have no responsibility to help you out of this mess.
Now, I will say this. Once you married him his debt and irresponsibility became your problem too. If it’s not too late, take the money your parents gave you and pay off your wedding debt. Then sit down with your husband and contact who ever you need to to set up payment plans for his debt. Have a serious talk with your husband about how to handle money, and if you are the one who is stronger in that suit then you should be the one to manage the finances from here on out, at least until you feel like your husband has enough to of a grip to be apart of that. I would absolutely not start any sort of business until your debts are paid off.
Post # 45
Astra : prinzesschen : abeeinlove : Thank you for the slightly more helpful responses than before.
We have enough savings to cover our debt in its entirety and still have a lot more left. However, he would prefer not to dip into our savings and he already has all his debt on 0% cards. I do understand his debts are our responsiblity now and based on his actions in the past year, he has put a stranglehold on his spending compared to before so I feel comfortable about his future performance.
The prickly subject is the fact that I do NOT want my parents to pay for the wedding thus sticking to an age old tradition that I patently dislike, but at this point, it’s too late to give back the money without hurting my parents feelings. He actually suggested forgiving a loan to the investment venture that we went in on with my father in the same amount, thus it’s still “our” money that we are using to pay off CC debts. I like that idea and I agreed last night, so that’s done.
However, at this point, he’s upset at me because of I asked him why he didn’t thank my parents and why he feels responsible for his aunts so I need to smooth over some hurt feelings, and hopefully I will be able to do that in our conversations later tonight. Any suggestions on what I shoudl say/do?