Post # 46
Money is fungible. It doesn’t really matter what your parents’ gift is “allocated” towards if you have enough all together to pay off the wedding and his debts and plenty leftover.
I think you should just be grateful you are in such a fortunate position.
Post # 47
If I were your parents – I would be freaking pissed. They are giving you their hard earned money to start your life off, not to pay off your Darling Husband irresponsible spending habits.
Also, I think it says a lot about his character to accept that money. He needs to be a big boy and dig himself out of the financial hole he created.
When I married my Darling Husband, I had about $4K in CC debt from being an idiot in the first 1/2 of my 20’s. My husband offered several times to give me the money to pay it off (as he had plenty in savings). I declined! I paid if off using my own paycheck because I got myself into the situation and I wanted to get myself out.
Either way, I would be freaking pissed if I were your parents…
Post # 48
Why would a man be okay taking money from you via your parents to pay HIS cc debt that he incurred by himself (and carelessly so) before marriage? No fucking bueno.
Post # 49
I saw that most posters were either misunderstanding the situation or just being flat out nasty.
Here’s the thing, layoffs happen, life happens, sometimes unexpected medical issues arise. That’s what marriage is about.
He should thank your parents for paying for the majority of your wedding, thus freeing up the savings that you already had budgeted for the wedding costs to either payoff the CC debt or keep in savings until he either finds a job or starts the business with his aunt. Sometimes a job loss motivates us to open that small business and everything works out. But self employment isn’t for everyone. There are risks that you two should be willing to take on together.
I’m a business loan officer at a financial institution and I talk with customers every day who have a dream and a plan but no money. And I can’t help them. If you have the cash and he has a viable plan then support him. He may be able to collect unemployment benefits while he gets this started.
But a thank you card, and maybe have your folks over for a thank you dinner wouldn’t hurt, too.
Post # 50
karen12 : Thanks Karen. I’ve decided to just ignore commenters who are really negative or misunderstanding.
I just came out of a extremely frustrating argument with my husband. Now he 100% won’t touch that money because he says I called him ungrateful. I had said that I didn’t think he was grateful for my parents help because he didn’t thank my parents, but of course, he decided to take it to the nth degree. I obviously should have psychically known that he was grateful even though he never vocalized it or showed it in any way and so should my parents.
I’ve agreed to not touch that check and let him pay off his cc debt in his own time and talk to my dad about it not accepting my parents very generous gift, which is exactly what I didn’t want to do. I am so angry at him and I need to be talked down because otherwise I’m just going to go home and either be passive aggressive all night or burst into some other argument.
ARGH he is such a stubborn donkey.
Post # 51
tenshinchan : No one is required to pay for anything for you, regardless of how much money they make. Don’t have a wedding you can’t afford.
Your husband sounds delusional. He has no money but wants to start a business (without having any money) to provide income for someone else?! I’d guarantee he’s back in debt in no time.
Post # 52
tenshinchan : I completely understand your frustration! My parents paid for our wedding and they are constantly helping us whenever they can. They try to give me a leg up in life whenever it’s possible. I know they don’t have to and we are so incredibly grateful for the generousity. DHs parents didn’t contribute a dime to the wedding and never ever help us in any way. They ruined his credit when he was younger and saddled him with a ton of debt. Sometimes it can be incredibly frustrating that my parents at are the ones that help. They are his parents too and even though they no longer obligated to help financially, it should be natural to help your kids whenever possible.
However, I love my husband and married him, not my parents. Darling Husband had a lot of debt (from his parents) when we got married and is currently in school for a couple more years. We share a life together so whatever is his is mine and vice versa. I personally couldn’t sleep in the same bed with knowing all of the financial stress he’s going through and lay on my side thinking “yay I’m debt free”. We made a debt payment plan and together we paid it off and now I can say “yay WE ARE debt free”. And I’m looking forward to saying “yay no more tuition ever”. As for his parents, whatever. I know when I have children, I won’t be anything like them. But I understand your resentment that they don’t help. It’s hard. But the two of you are in this together no matter what he brought in the marriage. I hope he knows he married well.
Post # 53
Here’s the thing. Saying you’ll stop spending like crazy without doing any of the hard work to learn your lesson, change habits, and get out from under YOURSELF is a recipe for disaster. It’s not your parents or his parents responsibility to bail him out, in fact, if they want to help him that’s the opposite of what they should do.
I would park 90% of whatever you have left in savings and throw 10% at paying down the most high interest debts (however far that goes) then get on a budget and run the numbers. Make a plan to curb spending and start paying down the debt EVERY MONTH. Practice makes perfect, especially when trying to break a habit.
Post # 54
tenshinchan : Going back to your first update, I’d thank him for being honest about not knowing how to thank your parents. And try to understand why it would be hard, so you can empathize with him. Then you can move forward coming from a place of understanding and not judgement. Calling him ungrateful is going to trigger his defenses, maybe try asking if he has some ideas of ways to show your parents appreciation that you could both discuss and decide on what works best for you two.
Post # 55
I’m just a little confused why he’s angry for being asked why he didn’t thank your parents. I think showing your parents gratitude for their generousity shouldn’t hurt his pride. Your parents gave financial help, and he didn’t thank them. Your enquiry to why he didn’t thank them either verbally or by some other action seems fair. The question shouldn’t hurt his pride, and I don’t believe he should have been angry about it. If anything, I think he should take that as a note and maybe invite your parents for dinner or nice enjoyable weekend as a way to show his thanks. From your previous comment, he seems very defensive of his actions but doesn’t seem to understand where you are coming from.
Post # 56
tenshinchan : It sounds like your Darling Husband has some concerning attitudes about money. From what you’ve written here, it sounds to me like he doesn’t really value money (thus racking up CC debt for no good reason and not being appropriately thankful to your parents for their generous gift).
Starting a conversation about money is difficult when you aren’t on the same page or you have critical things to say. Have you two ever done any financial planning, budgeting or other financial exercises together? This could help get the conversation flowing.
I think that if you start by talking about the nuts and bolts, it will give you an avenue to get into the deeper topics. For example, if you two start working on a business plan for the side business togehter, it will give you an opportunity to really get into the nitty gritty of how much investment it will require and how much cash flow it will create. Once you start working through that decision as a team, you can talk about why he’s so interested in getting your aunt mixed in to the business and what that will mean.
You could also consider getting one of the many financial books written for couples and reading through it together. I haven’t read any so I can’t recomend one, but look around online and see if you can find one that hits on key topics.