Post # 77
I don’t understand what is so confusing.
Couples should do what makes sense FOR THEM. What they are comfortable with. Which does mean that, yes, sometimes people will make judgemental remarks about the people in that relationship. People are going to say horrible things no matter what decisions we make in our lives, about names or otherwise. If you choose to act a certain way because you are concerned about what others will think and what will be whispered about you and your Fiance, then do things in a way that will alleviate that concern.
But it EQUALLY as okay that some folks don’t give a darn about what others think and then choose to act accordingly.
See, you’re judging others for making the decision with their Fiance to change their names by saying the following:
“Do they see the bigger picture though? No! Will people laugh at the husbands behind their backs? Yes of course they will!”
You assume that a) the couple have not discussed it and do not consider this impact, and that b) that the people they choose to surround themselves with will laugh at the husband, that c) that there is “of course” a reason to laugh, and d) that the couple in that situation will tolerate that behavior, and finally e) that the couple even CARES what everyone else may think.
The intent may not have been to come across that way, but I feel that it came across as judgemental and like any woman in a relationship who has her husband take her name is selfish “because of course he will be laughed at”. That is an incredibly large leap of logic due to the assumptions I just mentioned. That may be true in some areas, around some people, but it is DEFINITELY not true everywhere or for everyone.
Maybe this is hitting close to home because I, as a nonreligious person, have frequently had similar “talking points” enumerated about the worth of FI’s and my marriage because of its lack of faith, and how hurtful that can be – it would do everybody well to just let everyone else make the decision they want to make, and know that someone is going to find fault with something everyone else does.
Post # 78
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
My high school legal studies teacher took his wife’s name; then when they had their first child they gave their son his father’s last name as a middle name.
Post # 79
My great-aunt hyphenated her name when she was married in the 50s or 60s (in Germany, no less). She was a doctor (was going to med school during WWII– unheard of for a woman at that time!), so when she got married she was already established in her practice and had a reputation with that name. After her funeral, we went to the cemetary and everyone put a handful of dirt into her grave. She was buried next to her husband, who died before I was born. Much to my surprise, he too had her hyphenated name. I was shocked and so very impressed. Its such a big deal now when men do that– imagine what it was like when he did it!!
The priest that married us (yes, woman priest– Episcopalian) took her husband’s name. BUT, by taking his last name, she got to change HIS FIRST name. She has been married twice, and did this the first time. When she was talking to her now-husband early in their relationship, and told him what she’d done the first time around, he said “I’d be Adam!” Maybe he just didn’t like his given name, or really liked the name Adam, but now he’s Adam.
I kept my name. We hyphenate our dog’s name. The vet doesn’t seem to mind ;-P Should we have kids, we’ll probably hyphenate– my name first (he says it sounds better that way, and he’s right). One of our wedding guests addressed his card to us in such a way that it combined both of our last names into one. I actually really liked it and wouldn’t be opposed to using that for our kids.
Post # 80
It was on the table for us, but my first sounds better with his last than the other way around. However, I do know some people who kept their respective names and gave the girl the mother’s name and the boy the father’s.
We just did what worked logistically for us. At first I didn’t want to change my name and felt like maybe I was cowing to social pressure changing my name, but then I realized that we just worked out what was best for us, and not based on what anyone else would think. If my last sounded best with both of our firsts, that’s what we would do. We wanted to have the whole family have the same last, and our names are too long to hyphenate.
Post # 81
Lady, I can read just fine, thanks. You make a LOT of assumptions, seemingly every where you go around WB. So…whatever. You keep on making your assumptions. Good on ya!