(Closed) Vaginismus update

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m so sorry, I haven’t dealt with anything like this or know anyone with this. But I wish you the best! 

Post # 4
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@Dizbee:  I think talking to a professional would be hugely beneficial to you. It sounds like your mother did a real number on your head. Do you know if your sister has similar feelings/issues?

Post # 6
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@Dizbee:  wow, I’m really sorry – sometimes universities have resources as well – have you tried talking to someone at your school’s clinic to see if they have any recommendations for someone to work with?

 

But wow, I’m sorry you are dealing with this – parents cause this issue and then block your path to work through it.

Post # 7
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you would really benefit from any form of talk therapy. I would see about seeing a therapist even if it’s on your parents’ insurance plan. I don’t know how confidentailty laws work in this situation but I would think disclosing what you are talking about with your therpaist to your parents would be illegal if you are over 18 years of age, even if they are payiong. It would be worth giving an office a call and being blunt about it, “I need therapy and I do not want my parents to know what for”, and see what they say. Where you have made so much progress on your own I bet a therpist would give you some techniques to subdue all those thought s running through your head that your mom planted there.  If your parents see an itemized bill maybe you could just lie about why you are seeing a therpist? I know that sounds bad but it seems like they would not be supportive and help is the best option for you. Are you engaged? You could always say you are going to prepare for marriage? Once you’re comforable with talking to your parents about this then you can come out and spill the beans?

Post # 8
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I may be the only one to say this, and it may be an unpopular opinion, but could part of it be that you aren’t married yet? I know my decision wasn’t everyone’s, and I don’t advise unless asked, but could part of the mental block be your mother resonating in your head about sex before you’re married? 

I’m not saying getting married will fix it, I know it won’t, but it might be easier to work with if that was one less block against it. Why do you have to fix it before getting engaged? Will you not marry him at all if you don’t fix it? Sex is important, but if he’s the one, you’ll figure it out.

This is supposed to be a pep talk, I’m not trying to sound like, “Marriage before sex!!” I hope I’m not. Just saying if he’s the one, don’t make your marriage dependent upon when you get sex figured out. Once you’re on his insurance, you can go see a therapist. Until then, maybe take it slower. Maybe just make out and manual stimulation, and he can try (slowly) sneaking a finger in there without warning you. Warning you might make you anticipate. Also, something that worked for me somewhat (I don’t have vaginismus, but I do tense up and it makes it a little painful), is repeating in your head that you love him, and you want this, and try to block everything else out.

Post # 9
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

That is so great you are making progress. Quit beating yourself up. Take things in baby steps. Since his fingers didn’t work, don’t try to force it. Take a step back and regroup. 

Couple of things I would try:

  1. Def see a therapist! They can teach you relaxation teechniques and help you with your self talk. 
  2. I would also try masterbating to orgasm next to him, then insert the dialator and have him move it in and out like a dildo. Maybe the next step would be inserting the dialator and have him bring you to orgasm (mouth or hands).
  3. Try a glass of wine and a bubble bath.  

Post # 10
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Dizbee:  I want to have sex with him.  I WANT TO. But my vagina is like “lol no!”

Can I just say that I had to laugh when I read that!?  Lol!

I’m really sorry you’re going through this and it sounds like you’re truly trying to make things better.  Your SO sounds lovely and caring and patient.  I agree that you need to speak to someone, but understand that you can’t afford it right now.  Are there any free counselling services offered through your university?  I know there were such services at the U of Toronto when I went there.  Could you look into that?

Post # 11
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m sorry hun.

Have you tried seeking out a pelvic floor specialist? They work with more of the physical side of vaginismus rather than the emotional side (though I second therapy when you can.) and some can be done on a sliding scale. If you go to Planned Parenthood, they are really the only gynos that I’ve found that are knowledgeable. They should be able to give you a referral.

Also, its clear you aren’t going to just let this take over you and your SO’s life! I would keep the engagement timeline intact, if I were you. You’re already working through this together, which is a great start for a marriage.

Post # 13
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@Dizbee:  I’m sorry this is happening to you. This IS a serious problem. You are obviously a smart girl but you are being naive about not seeing a doctor about this. This is not normal in any way and you need to get some help from a professional ASAP. I agree with looking at the programs on campus, they usually offer counseling for free or maybe $10 a session. This will provide you with the confidentiality you desire and the help you truly need. Please don’t continue to put yourself through such despair. This may not be the answer you want to hear but its the truth. Please get some help, if not for yourself for your future children. You don’t want to repeat the cycle of this mental abuse. You may eventually force yourself to have sex but the real damage is internal and will only be fixed by seeing a professional. I wish you the best.

 

Post # 14
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@Dizbee:  I’m a little struck by your mom’s paranoia – was she ever assaulted? I’m actually leaning toward she wasn’t, but I’m wondering where her obsession over this came from.

Best of luck to you, and I have to agree with a PP it sounds like you’ve made great progress on your own and I think as soon as you are able to get professional assistance, you’ll be able to overcome this. And kudos to your SO by being patient and understanding with you and not pressuring you!

Post # 16
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@sweetpea87:  Eh, that probably would have made no difference. Its one of those things where once it has developed, you just have to deal with it and work through it. It starts out as a mental issue, but the physical manifestation quickly becomes the real bigger problem. 

EDIT: Many personal stories that I’ve read on treatment websites come from women who have waited until marriage, only to find out this was an issue on their wedding night :/

It happens to people that have been assaulted or brought up to view sex as awful like the OP, or even people that have been having sex with no problems for years (though that is less common.)

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