(Closed) FI acted like a jerk…..<rant>

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think there can be a grey area with family. Maybe your Fiance was tired, or just wanted to be at home. Could you have gone with the Future Brother-In-Law instead? Some people dont see the importance of pets to people. But I can understand where your Fiance is coming from. I used to work a job with very early hours and on more than one occasion my Future Mother-In-Law would call and ask for favours or to help out with her kids when my Fiance was at work. You want to help, and sometimes I would, but after a while I started to say no. She would get mad, and my Fiance would get mad at me too. But after a while (and seeing how tired i was) they stopped.

Perhaps words were said, or things happend in the past between them that your Fiance hasnt told you about. You always want to be there for your family and help them out, but sometimes you cant. Which shouldnt be a big deal. But see what happens when you talk later. good luck!

Post # 5
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Mabey he was just grumpy? I dunno… (hugs)

Post # 6
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Family dynamics are tough. There’s a lifetime of history and behavior there, so it’s hard to just come in and apply your personal standards to his family. I think you should let it go and accept that he can deal with his family in that way that’s best to him.

Post # 9
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

He’s grumpy and tired, it happens to me this is not a big deal.

Post # 9
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

One of the things that I’ve learned from observing several complicated family situations as well as living with some of my own is that you don’t get to choose how other people deal with their family.

To me, and clearly to you, it’s no big deal to go with a sibling for something like losing a pet. Like you said “family is family,” but it isn’t that way for everyone all of the time. Also, since Future Brother-In-Law was emotional, your Fiance may not have felt comfortable in the situation. My Fiance has wiped my tears for hours, but if his brother were to cry I don’t know if he could muster a pat on the back.

 

Post # 10
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think I’d be able to understand it if my Fiance did that either.  It does seem cruel, but honestly, this is about to sound very sexist but in my experience guys don’t always pick up on what the compassionate response is.  Girls don’t either, but I think we’ve been brought up to think about that sort of thing more than boys have in a lot of cases.  

The way he saw it, he was exhausted and his leech of a brother needed one more thing.  I have a leech of a brother and totally get where he’s coming from (I’d never not go with my brother to pick up his dying pet, but I can understand it).  It’s possible he didn’t realize how much his brother needed him and that his brother’s just on his last nerve…and if he’s used to his family members taking his brother’s side (as I am with my brother) it probably seemed to him like you were siding with his brother and against him.

As long as he knows that you’re always on his side, things will work out.  

Also, just as a sidenote:  As someone with a leech for a brother, there is gray area for me.  I refuse to help him self-destruct.  I will not support him in self-destructive behaviors or decisions that will lead to a bad situation for him.  I will also not go help him with something as readily as I will help my sister or brother-in-law or future siblings; as far as I’m concerned, he’s taken advantage of me so much that if he wants help moving, he can ask someone else.  If he wants a ride to church, he can ask someone else.  I haven’t cut ties with him, but unless he really needs me, I won’t go help him with something.  In a situation like your FBIL’s?  I’d consider it him really needing me.  But if your Fiance doesn’t, I can understand the gray area he’s facing and his reluctance to help.

Post # 12
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

Honestly, it sounds like he was stressed and tired. I agree it was harsh of him to want to send his brother to do that alone but I’d cut him some slack. Deep down he probably knows he did the right thing.

Post # 13
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@b00kbug:  I totally understand where you’re coming from.  I had the same reaction to your story, and I would’ve done exactly what you did.  In fact, I have shot Fiance the “for real?” look when he refused to help his brother out once, he was not happy about it but that situation wasn’t quite as dire.

I think I’m just trying to say what other people have said.  Family dynamics are weird, and if your Fiance didn’t understand how much his brother needed him, it would have been another chore.   It’s awesome that your Future Brother-In-Law is helping around the house and giving you guys money even though you don’t ask for it, but when you’re in a bad mood already, all you can see is the bad stuff.

Who knows, maybe Fiance is upset that the cat couldn’t stay with you guys but could never blame you for being allergic to the cat.  That would be awful, you can’t control that.  So instead of being rational, he’s taking his anger out on you because he doesn’t want to deal with seeing his brother be upset.

Maybe you could, when he’s in a better mood, just ask him why he chose to put his foot down where he did?  I really hope your talk goes well tonight.  I think you need to cut him some slack, but he needs to cut you some slack too.  He shouldn’t have taken his anger out on you, it’s not like you made him do anything.  You just pointed out that it was the right thing to do, because it was.  He’s a good man, I’m assuming, and he knows he should do the right thing.  If you help him do it, well, that’s just one more great thing about you.

 

Post # 14
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I totally understand what you’re saying. I’m sure it’s been really frustrating for your Fiance, feeling like his relationship with his brother is a “one-way street,” but it sounds like your Future Brother-In-Law is going through a really hard time and trying to start his life over, and a little compassion never hurts. We had to have our cat put down almost a year ago–this cat had been with my Fiance since he was about 10 years old and he was absolutely devastated. Imagining if he had to go through that alone makes me want to cry!

Post # 15
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think you need your Fiance to be your man, (a man)  first and foremost.

Sorry

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