(Closed) Value your opinion on marriage

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
6117 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

We got married in Canada (being US citizens) and there was no mention of “til death do yo upart” or “as long as you both shall live.” I’m sure several other countries don’t use these phrases.

LDS couples believe they are married for all eternity, not just while alive on earth.

I believe marriage is beneficial to one’s life, health, security…  When I was in my 20s I did not think that way, but I did not see many good examples of what it was supposed to do.  Being older and now understanding that beneficial marriages only work when you select the RIGHT partner.  There are many legal rights you gain through marriage that you would not have if committed.  Something also about exclaimig your unity to the world through a legal marriage too makes it feel better to me personally.

 
You are certainly titled to your opinions on marriage.  No one is trying to convince anyone either way.  But I did notice you seem to have two data points.
 

Post # 18
Member
7770 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I understand what you are saying OP.  That is why I did NOT say anything in my vows that I am not 100% able to commit to and keep.  I wrote my own, improvised them, and made sure I meant what I said.  Our wedding was private, just us.

I never wanted to get married.  It did not matter to me.  I lost belief in it because my mum has been married 4 times in the course of little over a decade – growing up.  To me it is not the wedding that matters, it is the relationship/ the marriage. 

Why do I think marriage itself IS important?  I think that commiting in an outwardly fashion to one another is something that is beneficial to our relationship and to society.  There is actually a sociology study done on the benefits of marriage to individuals and society.  I commited to become a family with my Darling Husband and that is not something I take lightly.  I work at it every day.  I am a very serious person when I commit to something.

I don’t think we can judge our own choices against other people’s.  It takes all kinds to make a world and sure, some people do get married for the wrong reasons.  That however, is not something I am going to let deter me from what I feel is right.  I think it is wrong to rasie a family (just my personal opinion) without being under the commitment of marriage.  Things happen in life that are not ideal and that we cannot control- I just hope that when it comes to relationships I worked out most of my pitfalls prior to marrying Darling Husband.  I went around the block and I am pretty sure I did.  Just like how I have no desire to get drunk because I literally drank myself out in college.  I value my husband because of my experience, something I think is very important prior to settling down, so you know the grass isn’t actually greener, it just looks that way sometimes.

Post # 19
Member
4047 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Bebealways:  I definitely agree with your reasons. We’re not religious, so that plays no role whatsoever. While we do want children, we will not have them for several years, so they are not the defining reason for why we want to be married now.

I’m getting married for legalities. We want to be together in the long run, but we live in different countries, so we are getting married in order to end the distance. That isn’t the sole reason, but a large one. We also love the idea of making a formal commitment in front of others to make our relationship work and to be bonded.

Post # 20
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

This is an interesting post. I never thought I’d get married either, and didn’t agree to marry my now husband until we worked together to find ways to make it a meaningful ceremony for us.  

Here’s what we came up with: 

Not only did we write our own vows, we built our own ceremony from the ground up in a way that was meaningful to us. We didn’t walk down an aisle, we walked down a labyrinth lined with our friends and family. We wanted our wedding to feel like a festival of interactive art, so we had a hula hoop making station and a homemade bowling alley. Etc., etc.

For us, our marriage was not so much about us making a commitment to each other, but about us asking our friends and family to support us in our commitment. It was an inherently public thing. This is not to say that one has to get married in order to have a commitment ceremony, but…

…For better or for worse (hardy har har), our government bestows benefits upon married partners that unmarried partners unfortunately do not share. 

There is more but I have to go ot work now. Thanks for sparking an interesting conversation!

 

Post # 21
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Actually the basis for marriage is NOT spritual…. it was CONTRACTUAL.  joining of families in clans to make the clan bigger, or aquire more land.  It isn’t until recently – in the last couple hundred years that there has really been a spiritual basis for marriage…. and predominantly that is only in christian religions.  In many other parts of the world arranged marriages are still quite common.

Also women HAD to marry as they had no other way to really support themselves.

 

Having said that……. I also don’t believe in the traditional christian wedding vows.     

 

I am confused a bit by your statement:  going in with no back out apart from adultery, which is the only legitimate warrant for divorce because EVEN in Christianity there are MANY reasons for divorce; abuse, infertility etc  In MANY religions if the women doesn’t produce an heir (male heir even…. not just a child) that was ground for divorce after a certain number of years.

 

I actually think one of the biggest issues in marriage today is that people get married “because they are in love” with very little thought to any other reasons for getting or staying married.  Love is an emotion.  Love SHOULD be a behavior and a component…. but certainly there needs to be MANY more things to consider. 

Post # 22
Member
1353 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@3xaCharm:  I’m glad someone made this point. 

The historical basis for marriage has nothing to do with religion.

Post # 23
Member
11744 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

not everyone who gets married break their vows.

Post # 24
Member
4411 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA

There are legal advantages to being married that are not available to people who are in an unmarried committed relationship. But beyond that, being married does make you think long and hard before you walk out.

It’s a lot harder to walk away from a married relationship than it is to walk away from an unmarried relationship. I know there are all kinds of statistics about how many marriages fail. However, there aren’t any statistics that I know of that track how many unmarried committed relationships fail. That’s just not a statistic that anyone is able to keep track of with any kind of accuracy. 

There is also a different level of respect given to married relationships that is not given to unmarried committed relationships. As long as you aren’t married, no matter how long you’ve been together even if you have kids together, people do not look at your relationship as being as committed or give your relationship as much respect as the relationship of a couple that is married.

Legally, when you get married, you become your spouse’s immediate family. This means when you go to the hospital, you have privileges that a non-family member does not have. As long as you are not married, you are not a family member, because there are some states that do not recognize partnership agreements.  

Also, if you are not married, you partner legally does not have to list you as the beneficiary on anything. When you’re married, legally your spouse has to list you as the beneficiary, unless you sign away that right on every document that lists a beneficiary. 

If your partner dies, any will that was drafted can be contested by any legal family members and there is a good posibility that they could claim your inheritance. 

These are a lot of the reason why a lot of gay couples are fighting so hard for the right to get legally married and not have settle for a partnership agreement. 

Aside from all that, personally, I wanted the deep committed feeling that I get from being married. I like being able to say, “let me check with my husband,” etc. If we were still living together in a committed unmarried relationship, I wouldn’t be able to say that. 

 

Post # 25
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

Even the Bible upon which marriage was founded gives you a get out clause (in cases of an affair).  Obviously if you marry and your spouse puts your health (abuse, infidelity) at risk, you have the justified option not to stay.

Even if we look past the emotional reasons, there are many advantages that the law gives if you are seen as one unit/family and that’s only through marriage (a big one for me is insurance).  But let’s face it, it is the ultimate commitment and because you just cant walk away without it being possibly detrimental in many ways, that level of commitment does make a difference with your psych.

Me?  I personally believe that if my SO did not offer marriage, that it would mean a life I would not be comfortable with.  ‘Till Death do us Part..’ simply means, ‘IF you are still forsaking all others, honoring me etc. (remember, there are also other lines that go with that vow). No matter if you agree or not, it is the ultimate committment according to society’s laws and in most religions, and I just happen to feel I am worthy of that.

Post # 26
Member
1555 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I see where you’re coming from. I have an older lady I’m friends with, that has been with her boyfriend for 23 years, and they’re not married. They’re mindset is, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” It works for them, & that’s all that matters.

For me, I want to have a family of my own, and I don’t agree with having children & not being married. My Darling Husband is in the military as well, & there are a lot of things that come into play because of that. If we had to move & weren’t married, they wouldn’t move my stuff, & he would only get the same amount of money a single person would get. So it helps him be able to support us both, and then I’m covered if something were to happen to him, etc. It’s a sense of security for us. & once again, I think it’s important to be married before having kids. That’s what I’ve always wanted, and he’s the same way.

But if something were to happen, such as abuse/infidelity, then no I wouldn’t be able to stay with him. Just as I know he wouldn’t stay with me. Our vows say that we will love & cherish each other, and be faithful to each other.. which if one of us cheated/started being abusive, that would be a breaking of the vows.

I don’t disagree with people that don’t want to get married though, it’s most important that people do what works best for them.

Post # 27
Member
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@patchy:  + 1.

I agree completely.

Post # 28
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Nothing about our union is religious.  We got married so we could have certain rights about medical information and decisions, so that when we retire he can file for social security benefits through me because he will get much, much more, etc.  We actually thought about just living together but the law is very particular about spousal rights. 

That doesn’t mean our marriage means nothing.  Our love for one another is very true and we have one of the strongest relationships I’ve ever experienced.    

Post # 29
Member
227 posts
Helper bee

It’s a promise and just like any other promise they are not always kept… It isn’t a lie, if it is not your intention entering in. If you only plan to stay together as long as you feel the love on that day then there is no reason for mariage. Marriage says even if I don’t want yo lov you I will choose to anyway from now until forever. Now perhaps because my parent are still married and I’m planning my own wedding I am an optimist.

Post # 30
Member
1618 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I believe in marriage as a way to solidify our comittment by announcing it publicly and thereby having our dearest and closest family and friends hold us accountable in a way.  In our ceremony, we promised not only each other, but our friends and family that we would make our relationship the highest priority in our lives and that we would do everything for each other that we said in our vows – love, honor, respect.  I think that’s the most important part of a wedding ceremony.  It’s not just the promise you make to each other, but the promise you make to everyone in attendance – people who are presumably very, very close to you. 

Post # 31
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

@SpecialSundae:  My vows didn’t include the words, “’til death do us part”. We got married because we wanted to celebrate our love publicly with our friends and families. That’s not to say that we don’t hope to stay together forever, but the promise to spend our lives together trying to make each other happy was more important to us.

 My reasons are pretty much this. We also did not say until death do us part, because I don’t think the death of one of us would stop love from the other. If Darling Husband dies before me, I will continue loving him after his death. Death is not the end of our love, IMO.

 

Neither of us is religious, so that was not a factor. It was honestly because I wanted to commit to him on the highest level. I would have been fine with being together/living together and not being married, had that been what he wanted. Thankfully, though, we both entered our relationship knowing that it was heading in the direction of marriage. We both took that very seriously. While I did marry him because I love him (of course), I also married him because I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, and I wanted him to be my husband. It really wasn’t about the legal/spiritual aspects of it.

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