(Closed) Value your opinion on marriage

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@valintine:  I think marriage is important, and I think less of people who claim to be committed but refuse to marry.

“Think less of” in what way?

Post # 33
Member
9097 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I love my husband very dearly. I would give him the last drop of blood in my veins or my still beating heart if it mean he would go on.

With that said, I did not have to marry my husband. We were committed to one another the moment I moved into the house. I immediately became his wife, and he became my husband. We did not need a marriage license to say we were married.

He proposed to me in October and we were married in December. The Justice of the Peace married us in front of our christmas tree. It was beautiful, and lovely.

So, why did I get married? I would have stayed with my husband even if he had not proposed. I love him dearly, and a marriage is not going to stop me from loving him and having children with him. I whole heartedly respect other women’s beliefs that they need a marriage to progress in the relationship, but I will never understand it because I personally do not feel a marriage is necessary for progression. But, I am of analytic mind, so emotional barriers don’t really compute, so to speak.

 

I married my husband because in some ways, it was necessary. My husband is in the Navy and unless we were married, the Navy would not recongnize me. If something (FSM forbid) were to happen to my husband, I would not know. I would not be informed. Likely, yes, someone in his squadron would be the one to break the news, but the Navy could give two thumb twiddles about me. I would not be allowed on base, and I would not be eligable for health insurance. Being married, my husband gets paid more, and when we have children, they’ll pay him more per child.

I didn’t need a ring on my finger or a marriage license to prove that I loved my husband, or to prove he loved me. I know he “loved me enough” to stay with me, and we didn’t need to get married to validate that. However, we got married because it was more towards the necessary scale, and we both get a lot of benefits for it through the military.

It seems sterile to say, “We married for the benefits.” But it’s true. I adore the man, and I’d marry him every day of my life, but at the heart of it? We married for the benefits.

Post # 34
Member
3617 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@surething:  It took me some years to see it, but I do now understand those who strongly believe that staying together without legal marriage is more romantic, makes for a stronger relationship, and is ultimately a higher committment than simply getting legally wed.

Now, that’s not for me, but I do, intellectually, understand the arguement. I think it’s the same one you are making.

I think that is great, to each his own–until you bring children into it then I probably would like to intervene 🙂

And then there is all of the legal ramifications of the law supporting your union. But if you (the generic you) don’t mind forgoing that, I’m ok with it, consenting adults and all.

Post # 35
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

To me, a commitment without marriage indicates a lack of trust. 

Post # 36
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Well, my husband and I chose what promises we each wished to make to each other, and our marriage is also what we choose to make of it.  I do not see anything “immoral” in that. We are with each other as we choose to be. We are just as free to decide not to be together, but instead we choose to be together. We do not own each other, restrict each other, control each other. We encourage and support our personal freedom. We value being authentic, open and honest with each other. All our vows reflected exactly who we are, what we are together, and what we are committed to in our life together. We did commit to maintaining our promises for the rest of our lives, and the people we are, I trust we will do so. And religion had no part of it. We are not at all religious and our promises were purely to one another. 

Marriage is certainly not necessary for a fulfilling life together (however long or short). I grew up with a mother and stepfather who were not married for the first 25 years together, though they married three years ago. They clearly demonstrated commitment, respect, love, friendship and so forth without needing marriage. I have many examples like this in my life. I have had a common-law partner and was fine not marrying. I certainly have ever seen marriage as a goal or necessity.

Each marriage is only as good or as bad as the relationship itself. Marriage is not THE relationship. Marriage is neither going to improve or destroy what is already there. It is a mistake to assume marriage is the cause of people staying with a cheater for example, when plenty of unmarried people stay with cheaters, and plenty of married people end marriages with cheaters. No, they stay because the individual chooses to. They are not forced to.

My husband and I were committed to being life partners before we ever married, and I was fine not marrying. It was my husband who really brought up the prospect, and after talking about it we were both excited about declaring publicly what we had already promised each other. Neither of us felt much inclined to marry until we were with each other.  We both recognize divorce is an option, but that is why we also nourish our relationship and work together, as we do not want to end up at that option! Our relationship is founded on trust and truth. We both trust that we ARE in a sense meant to be together for the rest of our lives. We have our boundaries and dealbreakers, but we truly do have something special together and are committed to being the best people we can be for ourselves and each other. We did not need marriage for this. It was all there, but we wanted to celebrate it, and declare it publicly and legally. 

My husband is my best friend. There is no one else who I can be as real with, and who is as real with me. I trust him with my heart, and my life. I married him as he is the love of my life, and my chosen life partner. While marriage was not necessary for this, it not being necessary does not mean it was not a good choice for us. Marriage is not a prison for us, but a place of tremendous growth, grounding, freedom, and exploration. We both have said many times to each other that getting married to each other was one of the best decisions in our lives we have made.

So, that is why we married. And you are free to have your reasons not to just as I am free to have my reasons for doing so.

Post # 37
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

As other commenters have said — the promises to love, to honor and to cherish are just as important as the promise to stay together “as long as you both shall live.” And they’re based on each other — if the loving, honoring and cherishing has already been broken, then dissolving the marriage is merely a formality. Of course, as another commenter said, many marriages DO work out.

I think that the ritual of marriage is an important one. I’m not religious, so I don’t believe that God bound us together as the result of saying our oaths or anything. They reflect what we already feel, and what we do each day to keep the relationship together and functional. But I think there’s something very powerful about getting up in front of your friends and family and making those promises — and your community witnessing those promises and promising to support you when things aren’t perfect. I think that social rituals like marriages are important opportunities to strengthen the bonds of community and to clarify the values of that community — by which I mean NOT that people in non-marital relationships are “immoral,” but that when we get together and we honor that loving, honoring, cherishing, respectful, supportive, faithful, serious (and in my marriage ceremony, egalitarian and progressive) kind of commitment, we say “Yup, we share these values for what a partnership should be.”

Post # 38
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Loribeth:  all of this is basically what I was going to say. We want the legal protections of being married. They are deeply intertwined with what we envision our partnership to be – each of us the closest person to the other, legally and in all other ways.

It is also important to both of us to publicly commit to each other in front of those closest to us. We could do that without legally marrying, sure, but since legally marrying has many practical benefits that accompany it, we would like to get legally married.

Post # 40
Member
3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

Because in order to have the things we wanted, children for example, we needed to be married according to our moral compass.  We are Christians and felt it was important to live according to our faith.

Post # 41
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Interesting question!

Personally, I’m getting married for a number of reasons (outside of the fact that I love him, of course) – to publicly announce and formalize our relationship, to create a solid team of two, to provide a united front for future children, to be able to use the perks of marriage (tax breaks, hospital visiting rights, insurance, etc.), to celebrate our love with our soon-to-be merged families, and to commit myself to him.

Until I met Fiance, I never really wanted to get married; I really liked the single life, and being able to be the only one in charge of my life (so to speak.) Since being with my Fiance, however, I’ve really wanted to become this forever team, and to really celebrate our relationship with the people we love.

Post # 42
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

We didn’t have vows at our wedding. We officiated our own wedding through a simplified san-san-kudo ceremony. San san kudo is a japanese tradition which involves taking turn pouring sake for each other into three different sized cups, which you then take three sips from. This number symbolizes an indivisible bond. 

Marriage in our society gives many legal benefits to a committed couple. For that reason alone it is worth it. If you aren’t married you have little recourse in a court of laws as far as property and children are concerned, as well as things like taxes and hospital visitation rights. 

I believe that flexibility is one of the most important qualities for a couple to work together on. I have seen long-distance marriages work very well, too. It all depends on what you as a couple agree upon as the rules of your relationship, and then allow there to be amendments to it as the need arises. It doesn’t have to be this “till death do us part” nonsense, there is no law requiring that phrase for it to be a legally binding marriage.

Post # 43
Member
1540 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

As naive has it may sound, I do really want to be with my SO for the rest of my life. I know there is a possibility it may not work out- my parents divorce, it’s a fear that I do have. I really can’t imagine being with anyone else-ever, or being without him at all.

I’ve been living with him for 4 years. We’ve made the commitment to spend our lives together already. I don’t see marriage or a ring as the determining factor of couples lasting-obviously with the divorce rate being so high.

I do want to get married because I see if as a celebration of your love together. Joining families. I do want to share the same last name and “make it official.” Does it make sense to those who don’t want to get married? probably not. but that’s ok

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