(Closed) Vasectomies – Did you tell your parents?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I think it just depends on your circumstances. Both of our parents would like grandchildren (and fortunately we have other siblings to pick up our slack), and we’re just not close enough to them to go into why we’re not feeling that. I just say we’re not interested right now and leave it at that. 

Your situation, though, is outrageous. You and your husband will definitely have to agree on some boundaries to set with his family. I don’t see a problem with you telling your family (assuming your husband was okay with it), but I’m not sure if telling his will even solve the problem if she’s that crazy. It could well just lead to bitter comments on her part or providing you with info on how it can be reversed, etc. To me, the situation is about a lot more than just potential grandkids–it’s you two deciding on how to deal with an inappropriate family member.

Post # 3
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with your H.  It is none of their business.  And telling them is not going to stop the questions.  Instead it will probably lead to even more problems.  So I would just keep on repeating the “we will not be having children” line and go on with your lives how you want.

Post # 4
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

We told my mom, but none of our other parents. They don’t bother us about children, but we know that they would not be happy about our decision. Personally, we are very happy with our decision!

Post # 5
Member
3723 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
Isis32:  My husband had a vasectomy a few months before we got married. We did not tell our parents. It’s none of their business. They know we are not having children. I owe them no further explanations regarding his vasectomy, my IUDs, etc.

Post # 7
Member
10110 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I do agree with all  the  bees who say it is absolutely  not the IL’s  business,. And I take   OP’s  point that it  may well be made into her fault if and when it comes out. On the other hand, when it does come out, there may be even more bitterness if Mother-In-Law realises she has been ‘fooled’,  as it were.

I don’t think her behaviour  around this is going to get any more appropriate   or unobtrusive  ( I mean  look at the  non-drinking scenario for eg) I think she will up the ante as time goes  on and even  start asking  what the problem is etc. I think she will be furious if it comes out   in five years time that she has been hoping and agitating for a baby whose conception  was literally ( and deliberately )  impossible.  Especially if she finds out OP’s mother has always known .

I appreciate OP’s husband doesn’t want  to tell  his parents   –  presumbably he knows it would be  a very  big deal – but it is leaving OP in the real line of fire. I’d be willing to bet  MIL is now and  will continue questioning OP  rather than her son. And OP is already not entirely   happy with the secrecy aspect

Whilst I agree that of course their decision  is their own personal,  moral and clearly  well thought out one,  I think OPs’ husband should bite the bullet and be the one to tell his mother this , now rather than later , clearly articulating  that was a joint  decision that   he is very   happpy with  and it would be better for everyone , for obvious reasons,  if talk  about future children ceased .

This is going to be very hard for all concerned, but worse if  left In My Humble Opinion.

 

 

 

Post # 9
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

We have not told our parents I am sterilized. Not because I am trying to hide it, but we never told them when I was on the pill, used an IUD, or we used condoms either. It’s no one else’s business what birth control methods we use in our marriage.

But…I also do not get hassled by any of our parents about having kids. Ever.

There is no way I (or my husband) would be able to tolerate your MILs behaviour (patting your belly, WTF?). She is trying to pull other people into the pressuring (comments to others about you being pregnant.) You two need to set some very clear boundaries. The topic of children is no longer on the table, and that means walking away, and even limiting contact if she does not respect that.

 

Post # 10
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

Honestly, even if he does tell her he got a vasectomy, next thing you know it will be, “Well, they can be reversed! Are you sure you didn’t change your mind and get it reversed behind my back? Don’t be too proud, you can admit it!”

You have already been very clear with her that you don’t want children, she should have no reason to feel “duped.” I don’t think it’s worth it to tell her. Trust your husband, he knows her type of crazy best. It’s actually pretty sad, if you think about it. She is in complete denial.

Post # 11
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

View original reply
Isis32:  Wow I would be absolutely livid, she told a party full of people you were pregnant based on the fact that you weren’t drinking?  Even if you were pregnant, doesn’t she think maybe that would be your news to share?  That would majorly piss me off.

Post # 12
Member
10110 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

 

View original reply
Isis32:  

I think it is a real   issue, the fallout when she does get to know   . And though  your mother would never tell her , somebody else  may well do  if they are aware of the  facts . Sigh.

I can see that obviously  you can’t go against  your husband’s   express desires and tell her  yourself- does he realise , do you think, how this leaves you open to interrogation and probing ( and indirect subterfuge) ? I think men in general are rather  bad at understanding   such nuances, they tend  to think  ‘well  this is the decison so   it will lbe all right, just  ignore it ‘ or some such .

Having  a conversation with his mother in which he says he doesn’t want  children  is NOT the same as saying , “look mum, you have to stop pestering me and  OP ,  I’ve had a vasectomy, there  is not going to be a baby. I’m so sorry you wanted grandchildren from us, but it is not going to happen”

I mean  in the former conversation she can and will think  he/you/both  might change your mind or be persuaded to . Thus she can just keep coming back to it relentlessly as she has already been doing.

 Not that  this is news to you of course . It is all very hard and I can see no  way  past it but for him to tell her , or  to continue the scenario as is….

Sorry about this OP, poor you.

Post # 14
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think it depends on the dynamic between him and his family. My Fiance is MUCH more open about things with his family and I am not. I don’t even tell my mother that I have an IUD because i dont feel comfortable and I don’t think she needs to know about it. I would be very upset if my Fiance told her anything that I did not want her to know.

Post # 15
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

What about saying you got your tubes tied?? 😉

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