Post # 1
I have known since I was young that I did not want to have children. They’re great…when they’re someone else’s. My parents have always been accepting of that fact. So when I met DH we were immediately on the same page, and very open with his parents about it. If it matters, he is 35 and I am 33.
DH had a vasectomy about a month ago. When we had the consultation and scheduled the procedure, I told my mom. She was very supportive. DH did not wish to tell his parents, which I respected. However, his parents refuse to accept the fact that we will not be having children. Since the wedding, every time we see them, his mother asks if I’m pregnant yet. I always respond with “We will not be having children”. Yet she constantly asks. I quit drinking a few months ago, and at our Halloween party this past weekend, she announced to everyone that I was pregnant (based on the fact that I wasn’t drinking) and kept trying to pat my stomach.
I feel like if we tell them about the vasectomy, then we won’t have to deal with the questions. DH doesn’t want to tell them bc it’s none of their business.
So, CFBC bees, if you’ve had the procedure, did you tell your parents? Or am I just too open with mine?
Post # 2
I think it just depends on your circumstances. Both of our parents would like grandchildren (and fortunately we have other siblings to pick up our slack), and we’re just not close enough to them to go into why we’re not feeling that. I just say we’re not interested right now and leave it at that.
Your situation, though, is outrageous. You and your husband will definitely have to agree on some boundaries to set with his family. I don’t see a problem with you telling your family (assuming your husband was okay with it), but I’m not sure if telling his will even solve the problem if she’s that crazy. It could well just lead to bitter comments on her part or providing you with info on how it can be reversed, etc. To me, the situation is about a lot more than just potential grandkids–it’s you two deciding on how to deal with an inappropriate family member.
Post # 3
I agree with your H. It is none of their business. And telling them is not going to stop the questions. Instead it will probably lead to even more problems. So I would just keep on repeating the “we will not be having children” line and go on with your lives how you want.
Post # 4
We told my mom, but none of our other parents. They don’t bother us about children, but we know that they would not be happy about our decision. Personally, we are very happy with our decision!
Post # 5
My husband had a vasectomy a few months before we got married. We did not tell our parents. It’s none of their business. They know we are not having children. I owe them no further explanations regarding his vasectomy, my IUDs, etc.
Post # 6
Thanks for the feedback!! It has occurred to me before that if we do tell her, it’s will be all MY fault. So I guess it is best not to tell her. I’m just so open with my own mother and tell her almost everything that its kind of a foreign concept to me to keep secrets in the family.
Post # 7
I do agree with all the bees who say it is absolutely not the IL’s business,. And I take OP’s point that it may well be made into her fault if and when it comes out. On the other hand, when it does come out, there may be even more bitterness if Mother-In-Law realises she has been ‘fooled’, as it were.
I don’t think her behaviour around this is going to get any more appropriate or unobtrusive ( I mean look at the non-drinking scenario for eg) I think she will up the ante as time goes on and even start asking what the problem is etc. I think she will be furious if it comes out in five years time that she has been hoping and agitating for a baby whose conception was literally ( and deliberately ) impossible. Especially if she finds out OP’s mother has always known .
I appreciate OP’s husband doesn’t want to tell his parents – presumbably he knows it would be a very big deal – but it is leaving OP in the real line of fire. I’d be willing to bet MIL is now and will continue questioning OP rather than her son. And OP is already not entirely happy with the secrecy aspect
Whilst I agree that of course their decision is their own personal, moral and clearly well thought out one, I think OPs’ husband should bite the bullet and be the one to tell his mother this , now rather than later , clearly articulating that was a joint decision that he is very happpy with and it would be better for everyone , for obvious reasons, if talk about future children ceased .
This is going to be very hard for all concerned, but worse if left In My Humble Opinion.
Post # 8
You pointed out another concern of mine. That if she finds out down the line, the fallout could be even worse in that she feels “duped”, or she had been hoping all this time and we never told her there was no hope.
H knows I told my mother, I made sure he was ok with it before I told her. My parents live in a different state, and the only time they’ve ever met the ILs was at the wedding, so there’s little to no chance of Mother-In-Law finding out from my mother.
Ultimately its H’s decision to tell them, I’m not going to go against his wishes and tell her myself, but it’s not him having to deal with the interrogations. He’s had a few sit downs with her about us not having children in the past but they just go in one ear and out the other. She just refuses to accept it.
Post # 9
We have not told our parents I am sterilized. Not because I am trying to hide it, but we never told them when I was on the pill, used an IUD, or we used condoms either. It’s no one else’s business what birth control methods we use in our marriage.
But…I also do not get hassled by any of our parents about having kids. Ever.
There is no way I (or my husband) would be able to tolerate your MILs behaviour (patting your belly, WTF?). She is trying to pull other people into the pressuring (comments to others about you being pregnant.) You two need to set some very clear boundaries. The topic of children is no longer on the table, and that means walking away, and even limiting contact if she does not respect that.
Post # 10
Honestly, even if he does tell her he got a vasectomy, next thing you know it will be, “Well, they can be reversed! Are you sure you didn’t change your mind and get it reversed behind my back? Don’t be too proud, you can admit it!”
You have already been very clear with her that you don’t want children, she should have no reason to feel “duped.” I don’t think it’s worth it to tell her. Trust your husband, he knows her type of crazy best. It’s actually pretty sad, if you think about it. She is in complete denial.
Post # 11
Wow I would be absolutely livid, she told a party full of people you were pregnant based on the fact that you weren’t drinking? Even if you were pregnant, doesn’t she think maybe that would be your news to share? That would majorly piss me off.
Post # 12
I think it is a real issue, the fallout when she does get to know . And though your mother would never tell her , somebody else may well do if they are aware of the facts . Sigh.
I can see that obviously you can’t go against your husband’s express desires and tell her yourself- does he realise , do you think, how this leaves you open to interrogation and probing ( and indirect subterfuge) ? I think men in general are rather bad at understanding such nuances, they tend to think ‘well this is the decison so it will lbe all right, just ignore it ‘ or some such .
Having a conversation with his mother in which he says he doesn’t want children is NOT the same as saying , “look mum, you have to stop pestering me and OP , I’ve had a vasectomy, there is not going to be a baby. I’m so sorry you wanted grandchildren from us, but it is not going to happen”
I mean in the former conversation she can and will think he/you/both might change your mind or be persuaded to . Thus she can just keep coming back to it relentlessly as she has already been doing.
Not that this is news to you of course . It is all very hard and I can see no way past it but for him to tell her , or to continue the scenario as is….
Sorry about this OP, poor you.
Post # 13
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Post # 14
I think it depends on the dynamic between him and his family. My Fiance is MUCH more open about things with his family and I am not. I don’t even tell my mother that I have an IUD because i dont feel comfortable and I don’t think she needs to know about it. I would be very upset if my Fiance told her anything that I did not want her to know.
Post # 15
What about saying you got your tubes tied?? 😉