Post # 1
I’m getting pretty annoyed by what I’ve read in response to this new movie (not on the bee but on some other nonwedding boards/blogs).
One woman lamented the fact that her family wouldn’t include her fiancé in holiday photos or gifts.
Another was mad that no one considered her fiancé to be her husband (she did and felt like they didn’t need rings or a wedding to be MARRIED).
And another was frustrated because no one took their relationship seriously despite the fact that they were the only couple in their family that hadn’t divorced.
I had to reread some of these women’s arguments because it just doesn’t make sense to me. these women are mad because they are not treated as though they are married… But they aren’t married! I agree that you can be committed without marriage. Marriage certainly isn’t a magical relationship that never ends.
But to be married is something completely different than to be engaged or in a long term relationship. Why else would we all be here, pulling our hair out over caterers, photographers, venues, etc., if at the end of wedding planning, your relationship was still the same as it was before? I think every married bee here would say that being married is different from engagement.
Post # 3
I totally agree with you that being married is different from being engaged or just living together. I have been living with my Fiance for several years. We’re gettting married this July and I’m super excited about it! Some people perceive marriage differently though. When I told my friends that I have lived with my Fiance for serveral years, they just told me it’s the same as he’s my husband and I should call him husband not boyfriend (that time still boyfriend, not Fiance yet). Many people at my work still call my Fiance my husband and I still correct them almost everytime as I don’t feel like call him husband yet. Will our relationship be the same after getting married? I don’t know what difference will it make yet. I will change my last name and call him husband and he will call me wife.
Post # 4
I agree with you, it isn’t even about having a wedding, if they would just go to the courthouse and register to be married than they would be married. The people that say “we don’t need a piece of paper to be married” its like um….YES YOU DO, thats the definition of marriage…otherwise you’re—guess what–not married! They can be considered in a committed relationship but if they want to be considered married they should maybe get married lol
Post # 5
Right before we got married we felt as if marriage was a technicality. And being married? Well, it feels no different to us. We were already at that point of commitment inside. The things others were saying that bothered you point to a common theme – that despite their long term committment to each other no one was taking them seriously and was essentially blowing them off just because they weren’t married. That’s something to legitimately be annoyed about – in real life that is. No, people don’t have to pretend they are married, because they simply are not. But they should respect the level and consistency of their committment and at least make a small effort to include them in the family as they’ll soon be joining it.
And the one that thought she should be considered married even though she’s not is a little out of line. She can ask that people respect her committmed relationship, but she can’t expect ppl to think of him as her husband if they simply don’t. That being said, you don’t need caterers and flowers and photographers to be married either. You simply need $50 and a courthouse or a religious figure. People worry about all the rest because they want to have a celebration for their new marriage. But in reality, it’s really uneccessary fluff. 🙂
Post # 6
I completely disagree.
Why shouldn’t these families respect their partners just because they’re not married? A relationship can be serious without marriage. Partners can be included in photos and gifts without marriage. My Fiance and I according to the law are already married as we are common law. We are granted the same rights as any couple who signed papers. What about those who can never be married or those chose choose to live common law for 25+ years? Are they not married to you? I know couples like this and I would consider them no less married than someone who had a wedding or an official ceremony.
My relationship with my Fiance will still be the same after our wedding.
Post # 7
@Ms. Martian: I forgot about the common law aspect, and for those who simply can’t be married. That’s a really good point and I totally agree. We are friends with a gay couple and they’ve been together for 10 years. They even wear wedding bands to symbolize their committment. I even think of them as a married couple because were it not for the law (until just recently) they would be married. No they’re not “technically” married. But I think there are exceptions to every situation that require you to look at it a little differently. And common law? I had totally forgotten about that. If I knew someone was common law I would absolutely considered them married. Because marriage is something that needs to be recognized by the state and if the state has recognized you then you’re married! You just went the super easy route. 🙂
Post # 8
I haven’t seen the movie yet or anything, so I can’t comment on that, but I’m just going to say that for a LOT of people, marriage is a technicality. I would say that the majority of people who get married do it because they love the other person, want to have children with them within a marriage, that sort of thing. Most people don’t go into marriage all excited about the legal perks of filing taxes jointly, etc, which is what a “legal” marriage would provide.
Post # 9
Disagree – I can only speak for myself when I say my family and my FI’s family treat us with total respect and always wish us every Christmas, send US cards, invite US to events, occasions, include us in pictures, we have been together four years and his family are wonderful as are mine. Same goes with any other person in my family in a long term/un married relationship, THEY ARE extended FAMILY, with a certificate or not!
Post # 10
The problem is that if you have a long engagement and your family treats your future spouse that way (as a nobody) it just prolongs the matter. It’s hard to imagine they will suddenly be welcoming and friendly after you get married if they aren’t when you’re engaged. Which makes it harder to plan a wedding.
Sure, you can get married at the courthouse and that is legitimate. But, for many people this would cause so much family strife ( your dad always dreamed of walking you down the aisle! what do you mean you didnt want us there!you broke grandma’s heart!) it’s almost impossible to get married without a wedding celebration. But your family is so unwelcoming now, you can’t imagine them being excited at the wedding.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t!
Post # 11
@apex: I was hanging with you until the last paragraph. Planning a wedding is not the same as being ready to be married. Anyone can pay a vendor — if the women you’re referencing are satisfied with their commitments minus the “wedding”/marriage aspect, then that’s fine – not all weddings involve the crapola we’re putting ourselves through for the wedding.
Post # 12
@apex: “Why else would we all be here, pulling our hair out over caterers, photographers, venues, etc., if at the end of wedding planning, your relationship was still the same as it was before? I think every married bee here would say that being married is different from engagement. ” HAHA I vehemently disagree with this.
1. I am not pulling my hair out over anything.
2. Your relationship SHOULD be the same as it was before. THAT is what you promised to marry. Marriage doesn’t solve/fix/enhance anything except tax breaks and insurance benefits, and makes a big ‘ol mess for your finances if you go that route.
3. I think you’ll find a ton of bees say that it is, in fact, just like the engagement. He’ll still leave his wet towel on the floor, you’ll still forget to rinse your plate before putting it into the dishwasher, and you’ll still argue over who gets to clean the litter box (I may be projecting. Ahem.)
Also…your post comes off as really disrespectful to those that can’t get married today because of their sexuality. You basically are downplaying the true legitimacy of their love and lives. That’s not very fair, is it?
ps. Even if we didn’t get married this summer, both of our families would still include us as if we were married.
Post # 13
To me being married is not much different from being engaged. We’ve been together for nearly 6 years and having a wedding and a ring on my finger hasn’t changed our relationship much at all (in our eyes). It does seem to hold more weight to people that we don’t know though. I think that WillyNilly said it perfectly in her points 2 and 3 so I won’t repeat.
Post # 14
@WillyNilly: I agree completely. After getting married it did feel and go about in exactly the same way except that it was offical in the eyes of the state and on our taxes. Nothing magically got better or worse, we’re still in the same commited relationship, except its harder to get out of now that we’re legally married. His family welcomed me with open arms once we were in a serious vacation and were excited to have me join the family when we got engaged. Things have not changed with them either, except that maybe there is more expectaion/hope that I will go on the family vacations now, though I was invited and did go on even while dating.