(Closed) Vent & Advice PLEASE! My FMIL is HORRID….

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee

she sounds like a piece of work, the whole “swallowing him” comment is beyond rude.

How does he feel about her? I knwo you said he avoids conflict, perhaps the ebst way to avoid conflict… is to avoid her all together. 🙁

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  janedw.
Post # 3
Member
47440 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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felicitygabrielle:  His mother sounds mentally unwell.

There is nothing your Fiance or you can do about her behavior. The only thing you can do is change your expectations and reactions. She is never going to become the white picket fence, apron- wearing, cookie baking Mom that we all dream about.

Post # 4
Member
2251 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Sorry, bee, you got yourself a raw deal. The best strategy here is to avoid this crazy lunatic as much as possible.  Don’t let her trample your life,  be firm in your decisions. My advice regarding your upcoming wedding would be not to accept any monetary or significant physical  favors from her, because I can foresee her trying to manipulate your Fiance in the future.  Also your Fiance  needs to grow up very quickly and be firm with her.  He needs to learn how to stand up for himself and to protect you.  Also,  I would not recommend leaving your children unattended with her in the future. ..

Post # 5
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

That swallowing comment would have been the end of my relationship with my own mother, let alone my Mother-In-Law. That’s abusive, cruel and very inappropriate.

No one wants to admit that their mother doesn’t love them, but sadly, some mothers don’t. And he needs to realize that fast and figure out how to move on before having kids of his own. She certainly doesn’t need to be in the picture then to poison them.

Post # 6
Member
13903 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would talk to your Fiance about it, and see how you both want to jointly handle this situation.  It’s going to be part of your life for a very long time. 

As for the siblings thing — all of your siblings were included, and your FI’s siblings were not.  I could see how that causes some hurt feelings.  Perhaps you could find a way to include them so their family feels less slighted in this area.

Post # 8
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Your Future Mother-In-Law is emotionally and verbally abusive and your future husband needs to put up boundaries NOW. I understand that he’s conflict avoidant, but things are not going to get better until and unless he puts some distance between them. So sorry you have to deal with her, but there are a lot of people who have little or no relationship with their Mother-In-Law and they are fine. 

Post # 10
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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felicitygabrielle:  That fear of her walking away is what she is using to manipulate him.  Captain Awkward is an advice blog that has some great posts on setting boundaries with inherently unreasonable people.  The short version of her advice is that you need to set boundaries with the unreasonable person, and then have consequences when they cross them.  Those consequences usually involve periods of no contact.  She’ll freak out, flip out, and act like he’s the worst person in the world.  You see how she acted when he didn’t back down from dating or getting engaged to you.  She’ll never be a good mom to him, but with time she might turn into someone that doesn’t make nasty comments about his wife at every opportunity.  The more he walks on eggshells the more power she has.

I’ve had people like that in my life. With my dads side of the family I’ve been able to maintain a civil but distant relationship, but unfortunately I no longer speak to my mother.

Is he in counseling? If he’s willing it could be a lot of help.

This is a nasty situation to marry into and you have my sympathies.  

 

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  hyacinths.
Post # 11
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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felicitygabrielle:  Isn’t it so interesting that such an awful human being  could create something as great as your FI?

Sometimes I look at my Fiance and think ‘god, how is it that your mother created such an amazing person with the way she is?’

Unfortunately, you can’t change her behavior and you’re just going to have to learn to live with the fact that she is completely insane. If I knew how to fix terrible MILs, I’d have a better relationship with mine.

I think that you need to sit down and talk to your Fiance about this. You two are going to be in it together, for better or worse so I think he needs to lean on you a little bit for support. You can’t tell him that you hate his mom because even children of terrible mothers still love their mothers. It’ll put him in a worse spot. So be switzerland when it comes to her and just be there to support your Fiance.

Post # 12
Member
13903 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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felicitygabrielle:  Just for the record, asking his sister’s to serve as unpaid help at your wedding (manning a dessert table or seating guests) isn’t likely going to be percevied as sometihng you’re honoring them with…  If it were my family, I’d take that as a bigger slight than not being asked to be in the bridal party.

Post # 13
Member
2108 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

She sounds mentally ill. Something I learned from my mother (who was raised in an abusive home) is that you can’t solve other people’s problems. If she is going to act like that, there is nothing you can do to “fix” the situation/relationship. You and your Fiance might need to start learning what it means to “love from a distance”. She is and always will be his mother, but you don’t need to allow her to continuously damage your relationship/lives with her ill behavior. Start putting some distance between you/FI and your Future Mother-In-Law. If she is going to call you and say terrible or nasty things, you don’t need to answer the phone. Be respectful, but don’t unnecessarily put yourself and your relationship in harms way. At this point, you and your Fiance know how she is- it is entirely up to you to protect yourselves and your relationship.

Post # 14
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

The way she treats him is abusive, plain and simple. He is worried that she won’t “be there for him” if he offends her, but she is not “there for him” the way it is. It can be hard for someone to realize that while they are living through it. You can only be there for him and try to distance yourselves.

He would benefit from counseling. If you think he wouldn’t take it well, you could always suggest couples counseling as a generic marriage prep since you’re engaged and then go together and take it from there.

Post # 15
Member
7559 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Your Future Mother-In-Law sounds like a real peach but it also sounds like your Fi needs to cut the cord and start being his own man. Move out instead of living at his grandparents’ house, get his own doctor and own insurance so his mother doesn’t need to be involved in his medical care, pay for your own wedding, etc.   

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