(Closed) **Vent alert** FMIL MADNESS!!!! HELP!

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I don’t have any great advice, but I will say this… She’s probably not going to change. I would have him deal with her, since it is his family.  Be sure he knows how much it is upsetting you and how serious you are.  Family problems can cause A LOT of friction in a relationship… I would make sure it’s worth it.  Best of luck.

Post # 4
Member
3256 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Move and don’t give her a key.

Post # 5
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa

@MsMe:  I’m sorry to hear you are at your wit’s end! I think the best thing you can do is continue to politely stand your ground. Maybe you should discuss changing the locks with your fiance. Personally, I don’t see a reason his mother needs to have a key. Discuss your concerns with him and suggest changing the locks- if he feels like he wants mommy to have a key, then I think you’re getting a picture of the rest of your life. But if he is on board with either revoking her key or changing the locks, all will be well.

Next time she shows up unannounced, meet her at the door just as soon as she opens it and say, “Hi Mother-In-Law, it’s so nice to see you, but uinfortunately this isn’t a good time. Maybe we can set up another time to visit with one another? Give me a call and let me know what works for you!”

You’ll be pushing her out the door in possibly the most polite way possible. If she starts yelling at you again that this is her son’s house and not yours, you can say something like, “Yes, it belongs to him, but I live here, too, and I would appreciate it if you could respect our privacy. Your visits mean a lot to him, but when you show up unexpectedly, we aren’t prepared to host you in the best way possible.”

Just kill her with kindness.

Or just wander around the house naked. (Just kidding)

Post # 6
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Is there anyway you can deal with the issues she is clearly having. I am guessing that she either feels you are taking advantage of her son by living there or she is just scared that she is losing her baby. These might be silly things to worry about but in her mind they are probably very real, especially as she has been living close and might not have a lot of other stuff in her life.

Maybe setting up a time to invite her over so you can her can have a nice calm discussion alone. She can express her problems with you and you can acknowledger her feelings. Sometimes just that can help. You can let her know that just because you need your privacy as a couple, doesn’t mean you want her to be completely pushed out of her son’s life. It might put some of her fears to rest and help take the strain out the relationship. 

If none of that works and she continues as before, ask your fiance to ask for the key back. That will send a clear message about boundaries, though will probably piss her off. Another thing to try is to have your fiance talk to his dad, or her husband/partner if she has one. Sometimes hearing from two different sources that your behaviour is unreasonable can be an eye opener.

Sorry to say, but if you can’t resolve things before, wedding planning will just intensify the problem as it seems to bring out high emotions in everyone involved. Still though, don’t let her attitude make you feel you can’t have the wedding you really want. It would be a shame if you eloped and regretted it later just because of her. Best of luck!

 

Post # 7
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Can he take her key back? 

I get how you don’t want him to feel like he’s in the middle of you two but hes gotta talk to her. Cursing at you is unacceptable and sadly, dont expect her behavior to change. Keep calm but firm and don’t ever back down.

Post # 8
Member
2616 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

get the key and change locks- have fiance ask for key back.

Post # 9
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@MsMe:  Is your Fiance aware of how poorly she has treated you? If not then you need to inform him. Let him know that her behavior is rude, uncalled for, and will not be tolerated anymore. Personally, I would make her give back the key and then I would have the locks changed (in case she made a spare).

Another poster mentioned trying to sit down and talk things out. I agree this could be a good idea, but only if you feel comfortable doing it and you’re willing to hear her out.

Post # 10
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

your fi shouldn’t be ‘in the middle’ – that would mean that you are both equally matched – you’re not. he chose you to be his wife, you’ve been polite and civil, and she’s been meddling and nasty. 

he needs to go over there, sit her down and firmly spell it out for her. 

– it’s not ‘his house’ it’s YOUR house together

– you are getting married, and will be his wife. her behaviour is not going to help in any way, and it’s going to cause serious tension between your fi and his mother

– you deserve to be treated like an adult – she shouldn’t be popping in unannounced in your home. i mean – what if you’re napping/showering/crying/dont want to see her?!

– you deserve an apology. you should never have been yelled at or cursed at, certainly not in your own home. 

the sooner he sits down and firmly tells her this, the sooner she’ll hopefully shape up. even if she doesn’t, at least she’ll know that your Fiance is serious.

Post # 11
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

and he should absolutely ask for the key back. she clearly can’t have it AND respect your boundaries, so she can’t have it. 

Post # 13
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@MsMe:  Sorry, but this isn’t a Mother-In-Law issues, it’s a fiance issue.  He needs to be the one to insist she return the key, to call prior to visiting, and to set boundaries.  If he is unwilling to do this now, imagine what life will be like if you ever have children.  

He needs to change the locks and explain to his mother that as an engaged man, it is inappropriate for him to have his mommy coming over unannounced.  She can’t come in the door if you don’t let her.  

Post # 14
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

That IS your house. You live there, she doesn’t. Have a long talk with your Fiance and set some ground rules. Taking the key away would be a great start!

Post # 15
Member
2747 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Your Fiance should not only be standing in your corner, he should be having the locks changed ASAP! He should’ve done this to begin with.

Post # 16
Hostess
12251 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

So rude. i know exactly what you mean because I had this issue with ex mil. She would come over whenever she pleased and when we asked her to call first, even from the corner ( she would bring the whole family over unannounced to show them our remodeling or whatever, and it was MY house! Not his), she threw a crying fit. She told everyone how mean we were and she still came over, peering in the windows if we didn’t answer. 

never again. glad you aren’t going to put up with it. Some people are nuts. 

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