Post # 1
Future Mother-In-Law has been at me since she found out her son was thinking of marrying me. We’ve been together 3.5 years and he’s known since the first couple of months that I was “the one”. She has created unnecessary drama within our relationship because she feels if he marries me she loses power. She will be nice for some months only to create more drama. We have been living together pretty much since the first couple of weeks of our relationship. She does things like popping up at the house without notice. She has a key to the house which was his house before me. I have never brought it to her attention directly that her coming over unannounced was a problem. she does this even when he is not here. i have always left it up to him to handle things with her, after all, it was his house prior to and he gave her the key. He spoke with her and told me she would start calling, which she did only for awhile but now its back to her old habits. Now we are engaged and she is still causing drama. She has recently popped up again and he was not here and I asked her if she could start calling before just coming over and it all started from there. This female has cursed me, disrespected me, and repeatedly threw in my face its her sons house not mine! I don’t curse and never disrespect her but I am at wicks end. I love my fiancé, the absolute only problem we’ve ever had was his meddling mother. I don’t want to keep putting him in the middle but when and how does this suppose to end?
I’ve reached a point where I just don’t even want a wedding anymore. just elope.
Post # 3
I don’t have any great advice, but I will say this… She’s probably not going to change. I would have him deal with her, since it is his family. Be sure he knows how much it is upsetting you and how serious you are. Family problems can cause A LOT of friction in a relationship… I would make sure it’s worth it. Best of luck.
Post # 4
Move and don’t give her a key.
Post # 5
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
@MsMe: I’m sorry to hear you are at your wit’s end! I think the best thing you can do is continue to politely stand your ground. Maybe you should discuss changing the locks with your fiance. Personally, I don’t see a reason his mother needs to have a key. Discuss your concerns with him and suggest changing the locks- if he feels like he wants mommy to have a key, then I think you’re getting a picture of the rest of your life. But if he is on board with either revoking her key or changing the locks, all will be well.
Next time she shows up unannounced, meet her at the door just as soon as she opens it and say, “Hi Mother-In-Law, it’s so nice to see you, but uinfortunately this isn’t a good time. Maybe we can set up another time to visit with one another? Give me a call and let me know what works for you!”
You’ll be pushing her out the door in possibly the most polite way possible. If she starts yelling at you again that this is her son’s house and not yours, you can say something like, “Yes, it belongs to him, but I live here, too, and I would appreciate it if you could respect our privacy. Your visits mean a lot to him, but when you show up unexpectedly, we aren’t prepared to host you in the best way possible.”
Just kill her with kindness.
Or just wander around the house naked. (Just kidding)
Post # 6
Is there anyway you can deal with the issues she is clearly having. I am guessing that she either feels you are taking advantage of her son by living there or she is just scared that she is losing her baby. These might be silly things to worry about but in her mind they are probably very real, especially as she has been living close and might not have a lot of other stuff in her life.
Maybe setting up a time to invite her over so you can her can have a nice calm discussion alone. She can express her problems with you and you can acknowledger her feelings. Sometimes just that can help. You can let her know that just because you need your privacy as a couple, doesn’t mean you want her to be completely pushed out of her son’s life. It might put some of her fears to rest and help take the strain out the relationship.
If none of that works and she continues as before, ask your fiance to ask for the key back. That will send a clear message about boundaries, though will probably piss her off. Another thing to try is to have your fiance talk to his dad, or her husband/partner if she has one. Sometimes hearing from two different sources that your behaviour is unreasonable can be an eye opener.
Sorry to say, but if you can’t resolve things before, wedding planning will just intensify the problem as it seems to bring out high emotions in everyone involved. Still though, don’t let her attitude make you feel you can’t have the wedding you really want. It would be a shame if you eloped and regretted it later just because of her. Best of luck!
Post # 7
Can he take her key back?
I get how you don’t want him to feel like he’s in the middle of you two but hes gotta talk to her. Cursing at you is unacceptable and sadly, dont expect her behavior to change. Keep calm but firm and don’t ever back down.
Post # 8
get the key and change locks- have fiance ask for key back.
Post # 9
@MsMe: Is your Fiance aware of how poorly she has treated you? If not then you need to inform him. Let him know that her behavior is rude, uncalled for, and will not be tolerated anymore. Personally, I would make her give back the key and then I would have the locks changed (in case she made a spare).
Another poster mentioned trying to sit down and talk things out. I agree this could be a good idea, but only if you feel comfortable doing it and you’re willing to hear her out.
Post # 10
your fi shouldn’t be ‘in the middle’ – that would mean that you are both equally matched – you’re not. he chose you to be his wife, you’ve been polite and civil, and she’s been meddling and nasty.
he needs to go over there, sit her down and firmly spell it out for her.
– it’s not ‘his house’ it’s YOUR house together
– you are getting married, and will be his wife. her behaviour is not going to help in any way, and it’s going to cause serious tension between your fi and his mother
– you deserve to be treated like an adult – she shouldn’t be popping in unannounced in your home. i mean – what if you’re napping/showering/crying/dont want to see her?!
– you deserve an apology. you should never have been yelled at or cursed at, certainly not in your own home.
the sooner he sits down and firmly tells her this, the sooner she’ll hopefully shape up. even if she doesn’t, at least she’ll know that your Fiance is serious.
Post # 11
and he should absolutely ask for the key back. she clearly can’t have it AND respect your boundaries, so she can’t have it.
Post # 12
Thanks all, for the responses. No, he did not know at the time of this post. He’s overseas. He knows now though. And said he would handle everything.
Oh, and yes I have tried sitting down with her talking it out. She’s the type to get mad when she can’t control, lash out say mean things, apologize and expect things to return back to normal. I’m done talking. I’m done trying. I was not raised up being cursed at and disrespected and will quickly remove myself from disrespectful people. I’m going to see how he handles this but yes I agree, she is not deserving of a key at all.
Post # 13
@MsMe: Sorry, but this isn’t a Mother-In-Law issues, it’s a fiance issue. He needs to be the one to insist she return the key, to call prior to visiting, and to set boundaries. If he is unwilling to do this now, imagine what life will be like if you ever have children.
He needs to change the locks and explain to his mother that as an engaged man, it is inappropriate for him to have his mommy coming over unannounced. She can’t come in the door if you don’t let her.
Post # 14
That IS your house. You live there, she doesn’t. Have a long talk with your Fiance and set some ground rules. Taking the key away would be a great start!
Post # 15
Your Fiance should not only be standing in your corner, he should be having the locks changed ASAP! He should’ve done this to begin with.
Post # 16
So rude. i know exactly what you mean because I had this issue with ex mil. She would come over whenever she pleased and when we asked her to call first, even from the corner ( she would bring the whole family over unannounced to show them our remodeling or whatever, and it was MY house! Not his), she threw a crying fit. She told everyone how mean we were and she still came over, peering in the windows if we didn’t answer.
never again. glad you aren’t going to put up with it. Some people are nuts.