Post # 1
Hi gals. I’m a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding and am very excited for the bride, an old friend… but being both a poor grad student and an out-of-towner, I’m starting to feel discouraged about how little I’ve been able to do.
So far, I’ve been prompt about buying my dress, getting it altered, buying shoes/accessories, etc. Whenever I’m consulted for my opinion, I speak up and try to be helpful. I’ve spoken with the maid of honor and told her that although I’m really financially limited, I would love to be useful in any other way… but despite making that offer more than once, she’s come up with nothing for me to do. I’ve been left out of all of the planning.
I was unable to attend the bridal shower because it was the same day as another friend’s wedding, for which I’d RSVP’ed much further in advance. And since I’m on a super-tight budget, I can’t afford to get both a shower gift AND a wedding gift, so I opted to send a card. I felt bad enough about that, but then there was the bachelorette party. It’s way out of my budget, but I had been trying to find a way to attend… when I got sick and had to bow out! The other girls (graciously) won’t accept my offer to contribute financially even though I can’t go. Enter more guilt. (For the record, I did send along a bottle of champagne & give the bride my regrets.)
No one has been snarky to me about my lack of involvement, but I’ve been feeling very bad about it. What do you all think… am I a deadbeat, or is this all usual for an OOT maid? I’ve never been a bridesmaid before so it’s unclear whether this is what I should expect. Is there anything else I can/should do?
Post # 3
I think that things do come up and brides understand! My middle sister is my maid of honor and lives OOT, and hasn’t been around much to help. But you are making an effort, offering help, always sending a card or a gift if you can’t make it. I think you’re doing just fine! 🙂
Post # 4
I don’t think you are a deadbeat at all! While you don’t seem to have the financial means by sending a card, a bottle of champagne, etc. you have shown that you do care about her. For me I want those who care to be standing up next to me no matter what their financial situation. If you haven’t already I would reach out the the bride about this and just let her know how you feel and that you are there to offer 100% emotional support.
Post # 5
I think you have been honest about your situation and have tried to be as thoughtful as you can.
Remember all your bride really cares about is that you are standing by her side on her special day!
I would be honoured to have you as my BM! 🙂
Post # 6
Judging by the some of the horror stories I’ve heard around here, you have been an exemplary bridesmaid! I command you to stop feeling guilty immediately! 🙂
Post # 7
Oh no, not at all a deadbeat. I think that as long as you’re being genuine about your limitations and vocal about how much you want to be involved (which is sounds like you’re totally doing), then it’s all fine! The bride might be a bit disappointed, but as long as you are supportive and caring, and are clearly excited for her, then that’s perfectly fine. If I were you, I might take a moment to contact the MOH and bride (separately) just to emphasize how much you care, are excited, etc etc, just to ensure that they don’t get suspicious and think that you’re skipping out intentionally. And I agree with roxy821 that the little things you’ve done like cards and champagne are wonderful touches that let them know how much you care!
Post # 8
NO you are a great one actually! that was very nice of you all of your gestures with the bottle the card and asking for any other help. i would love it if my BM would ask me for help or if they even just came with me to view certain things for the wedding!
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall
You’re fine. I was the same way with a recent wedding I was in. I felt terrible because things kept coming up and I couldn’t do the activities (like, the showers happened to be planned: one the day before a huge project was due and it was in another city far away, and another while i was out of town with family-visit plans I’d made several months prior). I also missed out on dress shopping because I did not know about it in time, and had to work. I actually talked to the bride and told her I wasn’t deliberately trying to give her the cold shoulder, and that I felt like a crappy bridesmaid. Then, I asked her what I could do to help and she gave me a few suggestions that I could handle. She swears it was fine, so I’ll just hope it really was!
Post # 10
I can’t believe there was even a vote for yes on this! Things have come up, and things happen. You can’t be expected to be 100% all the time, and of course with the way things are in the economy these days, finances are a huge bummer right now. I think just being part of the support system really makes you a wonderful bridesmaid, it isn’t all about the funds anyway.
You are doing great!
Post # 11
You’re leaps and bounds ahead of all SIX of my able-bodied BMs (only one of which is a student – my 20 yr old sister). I had to order and pay for 2 of their dresses (though THANKFULLY I was eventually reimbursed), FI’s aunt did my shower which 1 BM skipped and 2 were over an hour late for (they drove separately), and I didn’t have a bachelorette party because no one stepped up to plan anything.
Considering no one has said anything about it, given you a hard time or been snarky, I’d say they understand your situation. SOunds like you’re beating yourself up for no reason=)
Post # 12
Not at all! You’ve been honest and have done what you can. The only opinion that matters is the bride, not the other maids.
Post # 13
You have been a WAY better bridesmaid then both of mine have been. I would be lucky to have you! Why are there even “yes’ votes on this? What’s wrong with you people?
Post # 14
Honestly I just want my BM’s to be my friend and be excited for and give me ideas. I far more value relationship and communication. For my BM’s who I know are more financially strapped I completely understand. I honestly don’t really know what BM’s are supposed to do. My MOH has been so helpful. She deserves a crown.
I think just being emotionally supportive is by far greater a task than any monetary contribution- since you are honest you want to be there but don’t have as much to spend right now.
I have a BM who has money, free time, no obligation to a husband or children, but has just found reasons to not be a part of the day. We’ve chatted about it and I think she’s dealing with stuff. I would call that a “deadbeat” BM even though I love her and still want her to be a part of the day.
YOU ARE NOT! 🙂
I would add, that you should involve yourself maybe by taking initiative- like arrive early, help decorate,or do something that shows you want to be involved.
Post # 15
- Wedding: April 2011 - AnthonyÃ¢Â€Â™s Fine Dining
In my opinion, the most important roles of a bridesmaid are supporter and advisor. You’re obviously supporting her on the big day, and when you couldn’t afford a gift, you expressed that love and support through a card. You’ve offered your opinion when you could, and you’ve shown that you’re willing to help as much as you can. As a bride with lots of out of town bridesmaids who are still in school, she probably had this in mind when she chose you. I think as long as you’re showing her unconditional love, you’re doing your job 🙂
Post # 16
honestly, I think you sound great…at least you are not causing wedding drama, or making it about you, like we sometimes hear about BMs on here…I would specifically ask the bride something like “since I’m out of town, I really want to help as much as possible during the wedding weekend…is there any decoration or anything I can help with?” or insert whatever else you’d be good at…running some errands for her…mostly, just be supportive of her and help her with little things that hit the fan during the wedding weekend…maybe make sure you have her wedding timeline in case she doesn’t hand it out and just be super on top of things
ETA: my own sisters (not that I care, honestly) didn’t even get me a gift for the shower and the wedding…I just don’t expect both