(Closed) Vent – DH is clueless when I’m sick. Where did my loving DH disappear to???

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
46597 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think adults can be sick on our own, especially when you are vomiting for only one hour. There really isn’t anything that someone else can do for you other than run to the store if you don’t have clear fluids in the house.

Taking out trash bags full of vomit is going above and beyond in my world. I would just use a bowl or pot and empty it myself into the toilet.

It’s hard to be sick when you are a grownup and mom isn’t around to wipe your forehead with a damp cloth.

Post # 4
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@oracle: Awww I hope you’re feeling better! Darling Husband is terrible with me when I’m sick too. All I want is for him to make me soup, bring me some tea, just be around if possible. He always manages to either invite friends over (!!!!) or go out for dinner before bringing me home some soup so I sit there starving and sick. He’s awful. He’s finally started to learn though what I need when I’m sick, but I’m always really direct about it. It’s taken 6 years for him to figure it out, lol!

ETA – If you want to talk to him about it, I would approach the conversation with something like: “Thank you so much for taking care of the garbage, I know it was really gross. I’m sorry I took up the bed last night, it was the only place I felt comfortable and that didn’t make me nausceous, but I know it wasn’t the best for you. I’m still feeling a little run down, do you think you could make me some soup? I’d just really like to be babied a little, I’m a suck when I’m sick. I promise to return the favour when you’re sick.” or something like that.

I think my way of approaching it was probably not as polite. I think it went something like this “You are SO bad at taking care of me when I’m sick! I want you to be here making me soup! Don’t go out with other people and don’t bring them to the house! I feel like crap and I want you to focus on me! I know you can only sit there and stare at me, but it makes me feel better!!!” (said all very sarcastically and in that “I’m sick voice”) LOL! πŸ˜›  Then he rolls his eyes and says “You are the worst sick person ever. I’ll go get you some soup.” He doesn’t have much of a defense, he gets back massages any time he wants and I dote on him when he’s sick. I just ask that he returns the favour once in a blue moon!

Post # 5
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You just want him to treat you the same way you would treat him when he is sick. I get it! I’d just need to Let him know what exactly you want/need/expect when you are sick. I hope you feel better!!

Post # 6
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@oracle:  So sorry you were that sick!  My Fiance grew up in a family where if you were sick, you were on your own.  My family was total opposite, mom asked I every 5 seconds if I needed anything.  So, I had to tell him that I would love it if he would ask me if I needed anything, etc.  So now he does that, checks on me, brings water, etc.  I do the same for him.  It just feels nice to be taken care of and that’s not always natural for men. πŸ™‚

@julies1949:  I completely disagree with this.  We always take care of each other, it makes being sick easier.

Post # 7
Member
46597 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MrsCoachBtoBee: sorry, I thought the OP was looking for various opinions.

ETA
I apologize if I offended anyone with my answer but was giving honest feedback. What else could her Darling Husband have done for her? Nobody can help you throw up.It’s not like she was vomiting for days and needed help bathing and getting fluids. Normal home treatment of vomiting is to not have anything to drink for at least an hour, so there wasn’t anything else he should have been doing. He carried out the bags of vomit, which is a lot more than many men, or women for that matter, would do.

It IS hard when we are sick and don’t have our moms around but I don’t think that’s a reason to cause dissension within a relationship by saying you don’t think he did enough for you.

Post # 8
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@julies1949: Your post came off as pretty rude. My Fiance and I take care of each other when we’re sick.

@oracle: Feel better!

Post # 9
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

Hi, I hope my advice helps a little!

 

I work in the field of wellness and REALLY turn into everyone’s mommy when they get sick.  I literally wait on my SO and my son hand and foot when they are not well.  However, there’s one thing I absolutely can not cope with and that’s vomit.  I have been a confirmed emetophobic for over 28 years (since preschool) and I’ve even been to therapy for it more than once.  It’s led me to being a strict vegan.  I’m getting better, but I would have acted much worse than your Darling Husband simply because I can’t emotionally handle anyone puking in my presence.  My Boyfriend or Best Friend already knows that if he ever throws up, I can’t care for him.  I’m trying to get better, but it’s hard.  When my son is sick, I can barely function.  Thankfully he was blessed with a strong stomach!

I’m sure your Darling Husband isn’t this way, but about 10% of the population has a huge aversion to puke, with about 1% of them being true emetophobes.  I researched this on my own and Dr David Veale out of London is the one who did this study.

Have you been sick around Darling Husband before?  How did he act?

I would tell your Darling Husband calmly that you felt a little neglected that he appeared to not show interest in how you felt.  Also, THANK him for taking the bags out and give him a hug.  I know it sucks to feel like he doesn’t care.  That always burns me up when my SO acts like that.  I think men are sometimes dumb animals!  lol

I’m soooo sorry you were in this situation!  I can’t imagine being that sick that you can’t even find a spot on the bed Cry

Post # 10
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I practially cannot throw up anywhere but a toilet, and have a very large aversion to vomit, (not as bad a Mrs. Harmony, but that is my biggest fear about having kids: morning sickness and then cleaning up their puke until they are old enough to throw up in the toilet), so from my perspective, taking out bags filled with vomit, especially someone else’s is doing a fairly good job of taking care of someone.  LOL!  And when I’m sick, I sleep on the sofa because it’s closer to the bathroom, so I do understand him being huffy about having to be the one to sleep on the couch.  I sure as heck wouldn’t have kissed you goodnight…puke-breath!  EW!  MAYBE a kiss on the forehead…MAYBE.

But I do agree a bit more sympathy would have been nice.  Some men just don’t get it.  They are the biggest babies when THEY are sick, but when we get sick, they are clueless.  My hubby is improving, though…last time I was sick, (kidney stone), he went to Noodles and got me chicken noodle soup…my favorite!  So there IS hope for your guy.  I would apologize to him for hogging the bed and thank him for cleaning up after you.  Then nicely express what you would have liked from him in addition.

Post # 11
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

when my husband is sick he needs an audience and im juicing fresh fruit, filling him with fluids, making sure his feet are warm, making him steam and garlge but when im sick i just want to be left alone to die in peace and he can come back to bury me once my body is cold but the one time i had to see a specialist for a possible serious condition he was all over the appointment and getting information so he could be there if i needed the support

people react differently and need differently when their partners are unwell – if its a big problem speak honestly to him and ask him to do things differently next time

edit: and re the vomiting, dont ever let me tell you my sick husband in Yap/Micronesia story and what i had to do for him – no one deserves to hear that one!

Post # 12
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@julies1949:

no need to apologize! I was just saying that doesn’t work for us. You are completely entitled to your opinion. :). Sorry if I offended you!>

Post # 14
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Why did he have to sleep on the couch because you were sick?  That seems a bit selfish to me.  If you couldn’t move over by yourself, couldn’t you have asked him to help you move.  If he doesn’t know what you need, tell him.  I hope I’m not being judgemental but Darling Husband was sick last week and I’m sick now.  Neither of us would dream of inconveniencing the other because of our own illnesses.  Sleeping on the couch is mighty uncomfortable!  DH was downstairs doing his thing yesterday evening and I just picked up my cell and texted him (the modern day bell) asking him to bring up cough drops and water.  Then when he got upstairs I asked for the extra blanket and for him to fill the humidifier.  Had I not asked, he wouldn’t have thought to do it.  Ask, and you shall receive!  

Post # 15
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think its a bit extreme that he had to sleep on the sofa because you werent feeling well. I would be irritated if I was him, i hate sleeping on our sofa

Post # 16
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@2ndtime: the OP explained that this is because she had to take up the whole bed in order to stop vomiting/feeling nauseous.

Personally, I would MUCH prefer sleeping on the couch one night to keep my husband from puking his guts out over having him suffer in silence. I’d understand completely and would rather he ask me to give him the bed for the night than have him suffer just so I could share the bed with a sick, vomiting person.

OP, I’m glad your husband apologized and that he’s been more attentive today. This seems like a case of communication being the best medicine :).

The topic ‘Vent – DH is clueless when I’m sick. Where did my loving DH disappear to???’ is closed to new replies.

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