- 8 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
This may turn into a long non-sensical vent. My apologies in advance!
The entire engagement experience has sucked so far. There were a few nice moments, obviously, but all in all, it’s completely tainted with bad memories, fights, dissapointments, and tears. The proposal was okay, and I know he put some thought into it, but… even that wasn’t perfect. I was angry with him at the beginning of the evening, and whenever we re-tell the story he jokes at how we had a misunderstanding earlier that day, and it bothers me because even the day we got engaged is tainted.
He’s a private guy, so he didn’t feel comfortable with me sharing all the ‘mushy’ details of the proposal with all my family and friends, so I had to settle for telling everyone that he just did it in his apartment and then we had some champagne and ate frozen pizza (which is true, by the way). Super. How special. And he wouldn’t get down on one knee, although he knew how I’ve always dreamed of it, because it was ‘unmanly’. I’ve never told him how much that hurt, or how I felt like his pride was more important than anything else.
My mom cried when I told her I was engaged. They were a bit blindsided, hurt that they were ‘informed’, not ‘asked’, and felt like I wasn’t taking engagement/marriage seriously. I can see her point, but am still so hurt about it, since I know that my parents are doing their best to be happy for me me, but I know that I don’t have their full-hearted support.
And, to top it all off, I had an engagement party a few weeks ago. It was a complete and utter failure, and I cried before, during, and after. My heart sinks every time I think about it; it was supposed to be a happy occasion, but instead it makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t even really want to get into it , but I just felt like everyone was taking the engagement like a joke, including my BMs and Fiance. A few highlights included: One of them couldn’t show up, despite living only 20 minutes away and promising she’d be there, only because her bf couldn’t make it (we’ve been friends for 10 years, she’s been dating him for about a year). And Fiance left in the middle of it, because he wanted to go home to visit his parents (we held the party right before christmas break) and didn’t want to wait until the morning. And I got into a huge fight with my mom (who was helping me make ALL the food for the party, and had put in a ton of work to make it special) earlier in the day and basically made her cry.
I know I may seem winey, or too emotional, or maybe even like a bridezilla. I’m really not trying to be any of those things. I’ve just gotten to the point where I don’t want to care anymore because I’m afraid that if/when I do, I’ll just be dissapointed. I’ve gotten to the point of saying that maybe I Just want a courthouse wedding, sign the papers, have dinner with family, and forget about the beautiful princess, Catholic, white wedding I’ve always dreamed of. I get anxious whenever I think about it, and angry because I don’t know why it all has to happen to me. It’s not about a lack of money (FI and I can cover it), or a lack of love (I want to be his wife, I really do), but about the fact that I really can’t take much more dissapointment, and I feel like if I look forward to my wedding day then it’ll just be ruined, somehow. I’m probably just going in circles here, so I’ll stop now. Thanks for listening (reading?) and I hope that some of you may have some good advice.