(Closed) VENT : Do not know what to do!!

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I know there are exceptions to the rule, but if you’ve been together for 7 years and he’s had a ring for 2 years and he’s still not ready, I don’t know that he’ll ever be ready. Obviously it’s important to keep the lines of communication open so that you two can discuss his concerns and try to get to the heart of them. But ultimately you cannot do anything to make him feel ready. He either feels it or he doesn’t. He may never be ready.

You have to make a decision for yourself. Would you rather stay in this relationship, let go of the idea of ever getting married, and be happy spending your life with him? Or is marriage important enough to you that you would rather close this relationship in order to have the opportunity to develop a new relationship where marriage is something you both want and are ready for? There is no right or wrong answer here. Only you know how important marriage is to your values and happiness, and only you can decide whether you need marriage in order to feel fulfilled by your relationship. There is nothing wrong with being in a committed unmarried relationship. Likewise, there is nothing wrong with admitting to yourself that you need the commitment of marriage and cannot be truly fulfilled in a relationship that lacks that commitment.

Post # 4
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@lovekiss:  I agree with you.

Post # 5
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

If he has had the ring since then and not proposed, it seems as though he just isn’t comfortable with the idea of you two being married.  If marriage is important, then you might want to consider leaving.  You could wait through your birthday just in case, but I would worry about a man that has been with you this long and still can’t commit to you. It honestly shouldn’t be this hard or take this long for him to know.

Of course, you can also decide to let the idea of marriage go and be happy in the relationship you have now.  But in that case, you should accept that marraige may not be in your future.

Post # 6
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@cupcake86:  Does he know you told your family about the trip??  The reason I ask is because some men (a lot) do not do well in a pressure cooker.  Perhaps he is feeling pushed/pulled by knowing you want a ring, knowing your family knows he has the ring, or even feeling as if your family does not like him bc he has not proposed yet?!  Maybe he is feeling pressure about couples counseling being centered around the fact, as it sounds (bc you said you do not argue about much else), a proposal NOT happening.

Although having a ring for 2+ years (post VK) is quite a bit of time!!  I do not necessarily think it was ‘bad’ that he told you the proposal on your 2010 vk did not feel right due to arguing.  Honestly, I think that if my SO had a ring, planned a proposal and then we argued that week (or whatever), he would postpone as well!

As other PP’s have stated, 2 years of stringing you along, as it sounds, is a large amount of time!!  I say wait and see what your birthday brings, what he does, etc.  IF there is still not a proposal, then a long conversation NEEDS to be had with him, ensuring marriage is IN the future with YOU 🙂  Good luck!

Post # 8
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@lovekiss:  I also agree with you.  It’s very hard to imagine what the hold up could be for him.  I’m a believer in if a man is in love with you, he’ll go to almost any lengths it takes to keep you happy.  Of course that goes both ways. 

OP:  What has he said beyond “I’m not ready?”  Does he even see marriage as part of his future at all?  Or marriage with you?  It’s not healthy for you to keep feeling the continual frustration and disappointment.  After all this time I’d say you need to have a heart-to-heart with him about the future plans he has for himself.  The bottom line is he either really wants to marry you or he does not.  If you can give up the idea of marriage altogether (if he’s not willing to get married) and be happy staying with him, then stay.  If you can’t live with the idea of not getting married, maybe it’s time you should think about what you want for your own future, aside from just the relationship with him. 

Post # 11
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@cupcake86:   ((HUGS)) I can understand.  How old are both of you, if you don’t mind me asking?  He needs to give you something less vague than he can see the two of you together forever.  He has the ring already, but hasn’t given it to you for two years, and that is unusual.  Communication, or the lack thereof, seems to be an issue you have with him.  Have you thought about getting some kind of couples counseling and get everything out in the open?  I’m not a patient person, so I’d never be capable of dealing with something like this without a clear-cut reason from him and a clear-cut plan for what he intends to do, and soon.

Post # 13
2411 posts
Buzzing bee


We have gone to couples counseling where the counsilor? told me it was my fault as I do seem willing to wait for him when he is ready?



I see two red flags here… the first being that he has had a ring for two years and still can’t find it in himself to propose. If my Boyfriend or Best Friend had had a ring for two years and still hadn’t proposed, I would start to wonder if the ring was a stalling tactic of some sort to keep me waiting in the wings indefinitely.

The second red flag I see is the counseling. Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge advocate of therapy, and I have been in therapy in the past for issues in my own life. But in general, men should not need to be straightened out in counseling so that they can propose. I honestly would not want a proposal from a man who had had to have counseling for commitment issues (if that is indeed what is going on with him).

I think your counselor nailed it on the head. This whole “problem,” if you will, begins and ends with you. You can stay in this relationship as it is and stay frustrated and unhappy and unfulfilled, or you can go in another direction. The power lies within you, not him. This is not about him asking you to marry him. This is about you taking control of your own life, speaking up about what you need, and then *acting* on that. Acting on that does not mean that you drop hints to him or give him a guilt trip, or keep waiting endlessly with your fingers crossed.

Let him know what you need and when you need it, and if he is not on the same page as you, then you must either make peace with giving up on your dream (so that you can continue the relationship without feeling frustrated all the time — and by the way, I personally would not be able to make that compromise), or let him know that you are prepared to walk away from the relationship so that you can pursue your life’s dreams and goals (much healthier in my opinion).

If this were a new relationship I would be giving different advice. But after seven years together? And having the ring for two years? Come on.

Post # 14
147 posts
Blushing bee

Sweetie, I’m soo sorry you feel like this! 🙁

But however, yes you can ask for a ring! When he asks just tell him he knows exactly what you want. He bought the thing 2 years ago! That man has some serious commitment issues and I would have dumped him the day we got back from the trip (or at least moved out to show how “committed” I was to the relationship). If he hasn’t asked already chances are very good he never will. My guy friend was with a girl for 3 years, and he always talked about marrying her but he always said it never felt right. They finally broke up and both are happier. 

That counselor was a male wasn’t it? Because men don’t understand it. So what if you’re pressuring him into committing, you live together, you probebly already share finances so why does he care about making it legal and binding? 

Much much love! 


Post # 15
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@cupcake86:  7 years, 2 with a ring in the house, does NOT make you a princess for being sick of waiting.  And the counselor told you you should be ok with him not believing in marriage?!  No, you both should be on the same page for marriage.  You’re a better girl than I am for staying all this time.  The trip thing was heartbreaking, I’m so sorry you had to go through all that.


While you guys are young, you’re certainly old enough to get engaged.  It just doesn’t sound like you guys are on the same page right now.  Do you want to keep being in a limbo like that, getting strung along?  It’s not fair to you.  Have you told him when you’d like to be married/engaged?

Post # 16
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

@cupcake86: It’s much easier to be decisive at work than it is in our own personal lives. Work is neat, clean, and less emotional. These decisions are complicated, messy, and fraught with emotions. These are some honest questions to ask yourself in your decision-making process-

Is this relationship meeting my physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual needs?

 Does this relationship help me be a happier, healthier, stronger woman and partner who can tackle anything in my path?

Is this relationship the kind of example I would want to set for my future children (or neices/nephews, younger cousins, etc.)?

What would I advise my sister/best friend to do if she found herself in this situation?

Can I have open, honest discussions with my partner about ALL of my thoughts and feelings? Is my partner willing to be open and honest with me about ALL of his thoughts and feelings? Do I trust that he is being fully open and honest with me about everything?

Is this current situation sustainable for an indefinite period of time, or does something need to change in order for me to feel stable and happy again?

Good luck! 

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