(Closed) VENT: FBIL hurtful message :(

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 2
30399 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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jaw828:  Surely your sister’s college roommate knew that no good would come of her sharing this message with you?

Post # 3
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

It’s absolutely okay to be who you are. Let the Future Brother-In-Law know where you two stand…hash it out…and move on.

At the end of the day, if you’re happy with yourself that’s all that matters. 

What people think of us is not our business……

Post # 4
4074 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

I’d talk to your sister. Will give her an opportunity to air out anything she needs to air out, or tell her Fiance to bud out… you can always talk to him if you feel comfortable with that. But I would go to your sister because if there is anything legit to his concern (coming from her) you girls need to talk about it!

Post # 5
320 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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jaw828:  I would talk to your sister after her bachelorette party. Be as easy going as possible throughout the bach party etc but maybe offer to take her to breakfast or lunch the next day just you two and talk to her..

See what she says.. you never know.. it could just be him…  or you could be needy and your sister didn’t know how to tell her. Open up a line of sommunication and let her know she can come to you with any issues she may be having. Or if she gets defensive and says she never said that just apologize for speaking out of turn and say you will talk to Future Brother-In-Law about it then as you do not want this small issue to come between anyone.

Post # 6
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

…I think that you ought to do some soul-searching first, because as

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julies1949: points out, there’s no real reason why your sister’s roommate would show that message to you…unless, perhaps, she thought that there was some truth to it that she thought you might need to hear. I mean, she could be a drama queen; Future Brother-In-Law could be an asswipe who also likes to incite drama, but this just seems weird that he would say this out of nowhere, for absolutely no reason. 

But without getting too much more into that, forget the Future Brother-In-Law, forget the roommate; the only person that you should be handling this with, AT ALL, is your sister. And since she’s the bride, please don’t bother her with the background and the texts and whatnot. Just have a talk with her and ask her straight out if SHE feels that you’ve been too demanding and picky and if you’ve been stepping on her toes as Maid/Matron of Honor. That’s the real relationship that I think matters here, if anything.

And otherwise, just avoid Future Brother-In-Law. I get that it stings and you’re angry, but it’s not worth stirring this up.

Post # 7
9756 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You said they couldnt go to a Thai place because you don’t like Thai. Was that an example or something that really happened? It could be little things like this that are making your Future Brother-In-Law feel this way and maybe you don’t realize your pickiness is making it to where your sister can’t do what she really wants.

I’m an extremely picky picky eater but when one of my bridesmaids wanted to go to a vegan restaurant for her birthday I made it work. If she really wanted Thai just make it work.

Post # 8
1096 posts
Bumble bee

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jaw828:  I think some self-reflection is in order! He obviously didn’t mean for you to hear it. If he really disliked you, I think you would have noticed it by now. It sounds like maybe you are picky! Or people view you as picky since you call yourself “quirky”. And maybe it bothers some people more than they let on. Just because she’s aware of all your “quirks” doesn’t mean it doesn’t get annoying sometimes. I would hate for people to always avoid going to places or food just because of me. And it sounds like he was more concerned about your sister having a good time which is sweet. 

Post # 9
61 posts
Worker bee

I have to agree with the other Bees. I think it’s strange that your Future Brother-In-Law would send a message out to make sure that his wife feels comfortable and it even stranger that the roommate would disclose that information. Those actions generally do not happen unless someone feels that they have personally been wronged. Also, I doubt that there is a conspiracy where the groom and a bridesmaid have a personal vendetta against you unless they are both overtly drama kings/queens.

Also, I want to ask something, and it is going to come across as rude. Did the Thai incident happen? As in your sister wanted to go to a Thai restaurant for her bachelorette party and you stated that it could not be done because you don’t like the food, or is that a hypothetical situation? Because that can be contrived as stepping on one’s toes and in my opinion if my sister wanted to have Thai food for her bachelorette party and she loved that food, I would suck it up and do it.

Post # 10
22 posts

I am sure you Future Brother-In-Law didn’t mean for you to know about this nor would he intentionally hurt you… he is only looking out for his future wife and hoping she has the best day! He was only trying to be a good fiance. Your friend honestly, in my opion, shouldn’t have told you and was only looking to cause drama. However, knowing what you know I would ask your sister if she finds you overbearing at times. I wouldn’ tell her that her fiance texted your friend, bc then you will just be causing more drama. Everyone has done somthing like this with good intentions. For example, my fiance’s stepdad can somtimes be a sloppy drunk… so we have talked to his mom to make sure she supervises his drinking during our reception. We love him and he is a wonderful man, but I am sure if she told him about this he would be hurt. And we just felt more comfortable talking with her about it than going to him. I hope I am making sense lol I really don’t think he has anything against you, just wants his bride to have an amazing day. 

Post # 11
2175 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

If this happened to me I would jump to two conclusions. 1. I am needy, and 2. my sister, Future Brother-In-Law, and the college roommate all agree.

But don’t feel too bad about it, fact is we’re none of us perfect. I’m sure everyone I know could come up with some annoying personality trait I have, and I’m pretty fabulous 😉 If you and your sister have a great relationship then this particular personality trait obviously doesn’t bother her too much. I’d take stock and see if I could be a little less demanding but really, don’t get too worked up that you’re not the only person in the world without a flaw.

Post # 12
2704 posts
Sugar bee

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jennmariee:  this. 


And I would definitely not jump to any action. By making a big thing of it you only play into the whole neediness thing. Certainly try to help your sister enjoy her birthday dinner and get through that. The truth is, what people say about us often has more to do with them than us. 

Post # 13
1740 posts
Bumble bee

Do you mean that your sister “couldn’t” pick a Thai restaurant at her own bach party weekend because you don’t like thai food? That might be an example of what your Future Brother-In-Law is upset about? Doesn’t mean he hates you and thinks you’re a bad sister/friend but that you might try to get your way for some things that should be the bride’s way? (like eating Thai food if she wants at her bach weekend?) 

Post # 14
1705 posts
Bumble bee

I think the best way for you to respond to this is to try and be as accommodating and gracious as possible to your sister and your Future Brother-In-Law, so that your Future Brother-In-Law is proven wrong, and never bring this up. He didn’t send this to you, you only saw it because a sh*t-stirring friend showed it to you. If you confront him, you’ll just prove that you’re a drama llama.

Post # 15
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I actually think it was a pretty dickish and unnecessary text message for your future brother-in-law to send. It was rude. However, what he said wasn’t terrible. Just dramatic. If I were you I’d be the bigger person. I probably would let him know that I’d seen the text if I were you, but I wouldn’t sulk over it or get upset. Remember the Friends episode when Rachel and Monica tell Phoebe she’s flaky? Phoebe agrees with them and it completely shuts the girls up. Basically, don’t let it get to you. It was one throw away comment and doesn’t mean you’re not a wonderful person, whether you’re needy or not. Take it with a pinch of salt!

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