(Closed) VENT: FBIL hurtful message :(

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

Talk to the FBIL- nicely. ‘You’re going to be my Brother-In-Law, if you were worried I might spoil my sister’s plans you could have come to me personally. I want you to feel like you can talk to me as if I were your own sister. I admit it hurt my feelings a little that you think I’m needy enough to spoil her plans, but I’d still rather know how you feel. I promise to do everything I can to make her night special and go along with what she wants. And maybe I don’t realize I’m coming off as needy to others, so I promise to think about what you’ve said. No hard feelings?’

Then give him a hug. Be gracious and classy. If he apologizes to you for sending the text you tell him you understand that he was only looking out for his fiance. And then truly do reflect on the possibility that there is truth to what he said.

And of course the shit stirring bitch gets caught out for needlessly blabbing this to you.

Post # 17
Member
13816 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I agree with 

View original reply
julies1949:  that your sister’s college roommate was out of line to show that to you. She might have convinced herself that she’s loyal to you or she might be the type to love stirring up drama.

But the fact is you did see it. Personally, I’d have a talk with your sister first. I tell her that if either of them have legitimate issues with you, you are always open to talking, but that Future Brother-In-Law going behind your back to a third party was both hurtful and offensive. I’d ask her if she felt this way, too. After that, I’d want a sit down with Future Brother-In-Law. I’d be polite but would tell him that you were really hurt by his actions. 

The conversation certainly doesn’t have to be a one way street, and if there are legitimate grievances, you should eventually be open to listening and reflecting on whether there is any truth to them. But it’s no excuse for what he did. 

Post # 18
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
weddingmaven:  <— this. Actually, after reading weddingmaven’s response, I like her advice better than mine. So seconding this post.

Post # 20
Member
10284 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
jaw828:  yes, you’re right. Definitely talk to your sis directly. This has too many people in the mix to be sure it wasn’t a misunderstanding. Sounds like you all are close. I would ask her if she feels you limit her choices, though, just to give her a chance to air her feelings if this is true.

then a separate issue would be how they went about communicating it. Good luck bee.

Post # 21
Member
7555 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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jaw828:  I think talking to your sister is the wrong move. Sorry but she has nothing to do with this. Your issue is with Brother-In-Law and running to your sister to spill the beans that he sent a text to another bridesmaid about you and the bach party is just kind of proving his point that you are needy towards her and will ruin her party. Your sister has happy memories of her bach party and doesn’t need this drama ruining her memories.

Either drop it (and do dome soul searching) or talk to fbil (and do some soul searching).

 

Post # 22
Member
877 posts
Busy bee

I think you’re right to talk to your sister. It’s her opinion of you that ultimately matters to you, right? Not his. Plus my guess would honestly be that his opinion comes from her complaining. Maybe not, but that’s what I would think if it happened to me. Good luck. 

Post # 23
Member
6331 posts
Bee Keeper

It always sucks to hear someone speaking poorly of you. It sounds like they do respect you a lot but are cognizant of your personality quirks and how they impact certain situations. Maybe it’s just all a misunderstanding. Getting to the bottom of the situation may give you peace of mind, but it’s also possible that more drama may ensue. 

Post # 25
Member
13816 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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j_jaye:  In the sister’s place I’d feel just the opposite and be upset if my sister had said nothing to me before confronting my Fiance. She’s going to hear about it one way or another. I think it’s more constructive if the sister has time to talk to Future Brother-In-Law and he has time to think about what he should  say to OP. It gives him the chance to do the right thing, proactively. It’s not as if all this is none of her business. 

Post # 26
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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jaw828:  I say you just ignore it and move on. He’s just being a dick and sounds like he’s trying to start something. Be the bigger person and just leave it. He’ll either get bored, or he’ll do something even bigger and people will notice how he’s acting and call him out on it. Just let it roll off your back, however hard and hurtful it is. Your sister obviously loves you and doesn’t think that about you. He just wants drama for whatever reason (jealous, wants attention, etc.) 

My Brother-In-Law did something similar – On the way to the ceremony, my Brother-In-Law (in a car with my soon-to-be husband, my dad, and my sisters) actually spent time trying to talk the hubs out of marrying me because of X, Y, and Z. Seriously! MY DAD, SISTERS, AND FUTURE HUSBAND ARE IN THE CAR and OBVIOUSLY this is going to get back to me at some point!!!! Well, he later gives this speech about how amazing I am and how happy he is for his brother and our new life together.  I found out a few days later what he said but didn’t do anything because I knew he was just trying to start drama and I really didn’t care what he thought about me. 

Post # 27
Member
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Here is what I think; there was one incident at one point in time where you said something or did something that made Future Brother-In-Law think that their could be a problem.  Something happened where you talked everyone into X instead of Y and your sister came home and complained to her SO because she really wanted to do X.   She probably said “she always does this” and came up with examples.  Really, all she wanted to do was vent to her Fiance, but he took it to heart and decided that he secretly needed to “fix it.”   While DH wouldn’t do something that underhanded, we have had discussions on what is a “fix it” issue and what is a “I need to vent issue,” and we aren’t the only couple who has had this conversation.

Post # 28
Member
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
jaw828:  I was going to ask about the Thai food thing too, but you cleared that up in your update post. It seems like you’re willing to do what it takes to make sure your sister has a great bachelorette party. But when there’s not an event going on in her life, do you think your pickiness gets in the way of your relationship with her? Im not asking to be rude, I don’t even know you, but there has to be some reason your Future Brother-In-Law would say that. Maybe he’s just put off by picky people and he felt the need to make sure the pickiness wouldn’t ruin her party? Maybe you did something to upset or annoy your sister without your knowledge? I know when I’m upset about something, I vent to DH about it, even if it’s the first time someone managed to upset me. 

I think talking to your sister about it is a good place to start, but I would be careful how you address it and try not to paint her FH in a bad light. If she normally vents to him about stuff, she’ll most likely tell him about the encounter. 

Post # 29
Member
6239 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
jaw828:  After having read everyone’s responses, my suggestion is that you just ignore that the message ever happened – don’t talk to Brother-In-Law, don’t talk to sister, don’t talk to roommate about it – any of those actions will just serve to underline your apparent neediness – people see what they want to see.  

Do, however, be more mindful of your actions to determine whether there is any basis behind what was said.  It might be bullcrap.  It might be that you unintentionally rain down on ideas or interests (I do that to my sister all the time without thinking).  Once you are more aware of how you behave around them, you can change anything that needs changing, or chalk it up to Brother-In-Law being a bit of a nut.

Post # 30
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - California

View original reply
jaw828:  I don’t normally comment on these kind of posts because of my delicate feelings and the wide range of responses you can get on these boards 😉 but yeah I agree with “Misswhowedding” completely.

Sounds like you’ve got a great relationship with your sister. Maybe she was overstressed by the wedding, you did something that set her off – because what close sisters don’t irritate each other from time to time? – and came home and vented to her fiance.

Then he probably thought he was gonna swoop in and “fix her problem” (because I could totally see my fiancee doing this too, at which point I’d be like “you idiot”!).

I’d try and let it go – but it sounds like you’re a lot like me – you’re gonna sit there with him and be like “geez – I didn’t even do anything” and then get bitchy with him. If that’s the case – yeah talk to your sister. Be like “Hey – I know you’re stressed, I’m sorry if I did anything to exacerbate it, but he really hurt my feelings” then eat ice cream, drink wine and talk about how men don’t listen! haha

Good luck – I’m sure it’ll blow over quickly!

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