(Closed) Vent: FI’s ex wouldn’t give our Christmas present to his son :(

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Selfish…completely selfish of that woman..really?!  (jaw drops)- think about your kid and and stop acting like a child

hope you guys win custody ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 4
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I feel your pain.  I’m in a similar situation, but it is my ex-husband and his new wife that I have issues with.  She has a child of her own and doesn’t accept our two kids into their family.  She has family pictures taken with her, their child and my ex and gives the photos to my kids with “Our Family” written across them – seriously, who does that?  My kids have opened their Christmas presents from their dad in the car for the last 3 years because they aren’t welcome in their home – SAD!

The only advice I can give you is to remain doing what is right and in the long run, the child will know and understand.  It may take some time, and you may seem like the bad guy for awhile, but eventually, they will know.

Hang in there – sorry you’re having to go through this!

On a side note, if you sent the package via the post office, is it possible to call them and tell them to deliver it w/out a signature?  That way, it at least makes it to the front door step.

Post # 5
2496 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

Oh hun, I’m so sorry… it’s such a hard situation to be in, and around the holidays is especially hard.

My sister and Brother-In-Law are in the exact same situation.  He has a child from a previous relationship and his ex is horrible with allowing Brother-In-Law to see his daughter.  My sister tries to reach out to his daughter too and give her things/spend time with her, and the ex will have none of it.

From what I have gathered from my sister, what they have tried to do is to document all interactions they have with her and try to have other people around when they go over to see the daughter.  It’s sad, but at some point, there’s only so much you can do.  Just make sure to protect yourself and to make sure you document everything so that you can provide proof in court if it’s needed.

I hope things improve!  I know from seeing my sister and Brother-In-Law go through this that it’s SO draining and difficult, but ultimately, it’s about what’s best for the child, so keep fighting for that!

Post # 6
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

It’s too bad that you couldn’t have sent the gift to someone else in your home town who would’ve made an effort to guarantee that the gift was delivered to the child since, obviously, you couldn’t count on the kid’s mother to pick the gift up from the post office!

That was a really crappy thing of her to do.  She did it to spite you and your Fiance but doesn’t realize that she hurt her child as well. 

If it’s any consolation, my bro. is divorced and his wife is a real bitch.  This sounds like something she’d do to spite my brother.  At any rate, now that the kids are older, they know that she does this stuff and see right through her.  Because of it, they prefer to be with their dad.  You can only hope that this will come back to haunt her in the end.   

Post # 7
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@mrs.peters.to.be: & @milesbella: omg those people reaaaaaaaaaally suck. I’m sorry you have to have such ugly people in your lives!

Post # 9
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

 That is terrible. I can very well see why this lady is now an “ex”. Shes the one whos damaging their son. Its a gift for goodness sakes! Its not some evil plot against her! Some people just cannot grow up. I’m sorry that this happened. I will pray that your guys’ day in court goes well for you and your Fiance. I hate it when I see stuff like this happen. Hang in there and continue to be the bigger person. It will get better in the end!

Post # 10
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

Was your gift better than what she was able to afford for him? If so and she knew it, she may have been embarassed. That of course does not excuse her behavior.

My Fiance has what around here we called “shared parenting.” He is with us every other weekend from TH-Tu. We also have him a few weeknights in between. It varies with my FI’s extremely busy work schedule.

I would have the post office send the gift back and then give it to him when you see him, if possible.

Post # 12
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I hate that parents do this to the child during brutal custody battles. My parents did that to me. I still haven’t forgotten. I think perhaps it would be prudent to remind her that she will never be able to take her actions back. Her son will remember, and it will effect their relationship for the rest of her life.

Post # 14
31 posts
  • Wedding: September 2011

I went through something just like this, only my ex and his fiance tryed to take me to court and take my son away from me! I can understand your frustration….believe me I do!!! But as a mother, and someone who went through the custody battle, the only advice I could give you is to maybe back off a little. Im not saying that what you are doing is wrong in any way……Im sure you are a good person. But coming from a similar situation, (its been over a year since we all stopped fighting) I wish my ex’s fiance (now wife) would have backed off! She always thought that she had the right to call me and talk to me about my son, which made  me uncomfortable because she wasnt/isnt his parent and I would have rather talked to my ex about our son! I understood/understand that she is apart of my child life, but she made me feel like she was trying to take over the mom role! I am not sticking up for the child mom, and I am not saying that what she did was right, it wasnt at all, but maybe she feels like you are trying to take over! Maybe you just need to let her know that you understand that she is his mom, and that you arent trying to take over, and then just take a few steps back. When it comes to the child, talk to you fiance about it, and let him make whatever phone call is needed! Maybe that will help until she can come to terms with it. I know that if my ex’s fiance (now wife) would have done that and then taken a few steps back, that would have made me feel a little better about the whole thing!!

Eventually, the fighting, and drama will end! All of us fought for about a year or so, and then one day, it was over! We talked and we both said what we needed to feel comfortable in the situation, and that was that! We were fine! We havent had any blow ups since! Of course, there is still a little tension every once in a while, but we work through it! I hope everything works out!

Post # 16
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

I lived through this as well. If it’s starting already, I think you should prepare yourself for many years of an ongoing battle with her.

I used to hear from couples who split up that the hardest part was the children, but I never really understood what would make it so difficult. I thought kids were pretty resilient. I also heard from some Fathers that after a few years they just stopped seeing their kids, since their exes were making it all about money or just getting things from them, and it became just too hard. I really had a hard time with THAT one, as I’d never known any friends whose parents had divorced, and I found it shiocking that they could just choose not to see them. These were just stories I was hearing, but couldn’t really relate.

I married a divorced man with one son, and then I knew what they were all talking about. He was six when we got married, and while the ex and I talked on the phone all the time too (and I tried my best to never be negative about anything where he was concerned), I just couldn’t win. She started pulling that sending him needing a haircut and a bath, wearing old wornout dirty clothes or in pants that were so long he was always tripping…or he always needed new shoes. I always took him out and bought him a ton of new school clothes (which we never saw him wear), shoes/sneakers when he needed them, and every year a new winter jacket and gloves. Without fail, he always needed something every time we had him (which was every other weekend,and in the summer for weeks at a time plus every weekend).

He wasn’t a very well mannered or sociable child and became very hard to deal with. He wouldn’t answer if you asked him a question (even if it was about what he wanted for lunch!), never said thank you for anything, and never flushed the toilet. He went from a sweet little boy while we were dating, to this alien child who only wanted his Father and to ignore me. His Mother thought it was ‘fine’ and that everything would work itself out. He couldn’t ride a bike or rollerskate or even throw a ball…and she didn’t like that we were trying to help him be more active. UGH. No matter what we did, as far as she was concerned it was wrong. What a mess.

Over the years many more things happened, so that by the time he was 16 he was only interested in coming over for Christmas for an hour to get his gifts, and was always ‘busy’ when we wanted to see him any other time. His Mother remarried several years after we did and the new man made sure he was doing something every weekend so there was no time for us. We all slowly drifted apart, and today there is very little contact with him unless we initiate it.

I sincerely hope you can find a way to make this work, but be prepared for it to not be easy. I always admire families who can blend and be civil and work together. In our case it ended up being done through our lawyers once she started getting ridiculous, and it never ended even after he graduated from college.

Good luck.

Oops! Forgot to add what she used to do for Christmas. I started asking her if he had a list made as early as the beginning of November, and she always told me she’d let me know. Eventually she would read me the list and I’d ask her what she was getting. She would say she didn’t know, but we could buy whatever we wanted as she’d get some other things. My Mother-In-Law would ask her too, and she’d give her one or two things to get (which were the same things she told me). So guess what used to happen? He’d have his Christmas morning with his Mom (where she’d buy everything on the list), then see his Grandmother (and again get duplicates and was disappointed) and THEN come to our house (and open the same gifts all over again…and then cry or get mad. Yep. She didn’t care one bit that he was upset. She pulled that 2 years in a row (shame on us for falling for it again), and didn’t care that he was so unhappy during his Christmas visit with us. Nice,huh?

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