- 8 months ago
Long story short: I am a black woman (30 yo) who is very frustraited with racism when it comes to dating. Any tips from people who have been in my position? A unique perspective? Moral support?
Longer explaination for the exact same sentiments above:
I recently broke up with someone after a few-months-long relationship. I thought, althoguh the vast majority of us are quarented, I’d give online dating a go and test the waters. I have a recently separated friend (white female, 35) who has been lining up virtual dates left and right with men of many races and backgrounds.
Hoever, online dating is not so simple as a black woman. It literally takes days—sometimes weeks—to get a “normal” message from a man, and this is after sometimes days of silence. Yes, even on more “serious” platforms like Match, where I was called “delicious chocolate” just days ago. And yes, I often do messages guys first. And no, 80% of the time they don’t respond.
Now here’s a commercial break for some background about myself: I’m 30, almost 5’7″, a 135-pound size 4, extremely active and enjoy the outdoors, not religious, three degrees, a job, no debt (own my car as of January), speak two languages, lived overseas for about 4 yrs., love to tell jokes, have a variety of hobbies including music, travel and writing. I live in one of the five largest cities in the US.
While I do not make my profile look like a resume, many of these basic qualities about me are clear with a flunctuation on how many a person would know off the bat depending on the platform.
Back to regular programming: It’s very, very difficult to get messages as a black woman and many well-rounded, educated, wonderful black women have come to know this. When we do (omg! someone actually messaged me!) We usually get messages from guys who feed off the hypersexualized sterotypes of black women. Or, in my experience, when I go several days with an empty inbox, and someone who seems normal finally does message, the conversation usually devolves into microaggressions:
Do you comb your hair? Can I touch it sometime? (Nope, I’m not a dog).
How did you go to college? (I applied, got in, paid for classes, went to classes, finished classed, applied for my degree, graduated)
How did you go to [insert] country here? (I bought the ticket, I sat on the plane, the pilot flew me and several other people there. Side-story: One time a United employee tried to tell me I was in line for the wrong flight because I didn’t look like someone going to that location. He demanded to see my ticket. I lived in that country. But I digress, sorry.)
Anyway, yet another frustraition (particularly on Match) is when I see a man—of any race, because I don’t descriminate by race—who has a lot of similar interests, but then marks they’re looking for any race of woman except….you guessed it, a black woman! Another sterotype a vast majority of men (yes, this includes black men) appear to work from is that black women are not only loud, obnoxious, overly-religious and fat but we’re also uncultured and have no specific hobbies.
All this compounded with the fact that black women are rated the least attractive by men of all races…according to that infamous OkCupid poll, anyone remember that? What a confidence booster! https://theblog.okcupid.com/race-and-attraction-2009-2014-107dcbb4f060
As you can see from the numbers, black women have gone from terribly unacttractive to “okay, you don’t have to wear a bag over your head”.
(I’m being very sarcastic—I don’t take these numbers to heart!)
Basically, I’m frustraited with the lack of options in dating as a black women. Since I hit 30, the options are even less now. I’m still trying, I still have to have hope that I’ll meet someone, but it seems like such an impossibly high mountain to climb. There have even been experiments where the same profile (same wording, hobbies, education, etc.) is posted twice, one with a white woman’s picture, one with a black woman’s?
I’m sure you know who got more messages!
Here’s a great article about this: https://www.npr.org/2018/01/09/575352051/least-desirable-how-racial-discrimination-plays-out-in-online-dating