(Closed) [Vent] Frustrations of dating while black

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
26 posts
Newbee

I can empathize with you. I’m sorry, I’m not black but I feel the way media portrays black women is really unfair. I read an article recently that everyone talks about how bad black men have it in US but no one pays attention to black women who have it worse. All the black men I know in my life are married to or dating women of other races 

Post # 3
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

Rasicm is terrible and I hate that those pigs are sexualising you in that bigoted way. Having said that, from what I understand from reading about it, men aren’t attracted to profiles that list qualifications and expertise as they see the women who lead in this way to be judgemental and picky/negative and likely to be confrontational and emasculating as a partner. I’m not saying you need to dumb yourself down, but maybe don’t list three degrees and how many languages you can speak in the profile. Let a man who likes you for your personality and looks find that out and appreciate it as he gets to know you. Just a thought.

Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
19 posts
Newbee

I do empathise and no doubt people can be at a disadvantage when dating due to race or age. Though if you’re leading with these thoughts/fears/affirmations/beliefs thats what men will pick up on. You get what you put out after all. 

Men are very visual creatures so will respond to feminity no matter your race. Try and play that up as much as you can to maximise your chance online dating- hair down/styled, some makeup (not too much), femine dress. Obviously not coming off sexy- as thats what you’ll attract, but classy and put together. Also smiling in your photos I heard really helps. Like someone else said, don’t focus on your achievements as anyone would look at your profile and be like ‘whoa she’s way too good for me’. It is true that smart and accomplished women can be intimidating for men as they always feel like they have to be better/more intelligent/higher paid person in the relationship – which while I know sounds quite sexist for 2020 but thats just the dynamic that there is between men and women. Obviously show that you are smart, list your interests and hobbies hut avoid saying everything about yourself on your profile. Your profile is to show a hint of your personality and a bit about you, as well as stating what you are looking for in a mate. (Gives the guy the chance to be like – yes I can do that/that sounds like me etc..) obviously don’t have crazy high requirements or expectations that you wouldn’t have of yourself, but its good to have standards. 

I know all this sounds like a lot of don’t do this, do that to please men but its simply just the reality of the world we live in and the biology of men/women. People who don’t take heed of it really put themselves at a disadvantage when online dating. 

(Please everyone don’t come at me with sexism/feminism speech. Just my experience and research of online dating- and have read a few books and opinions on the subject). 

Post # 6
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

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oranges007 :  I have no advice, but just wanted to send virtual hugs and tell you I’m so sorry for the dumb stuff you deal with as a WOC. It’s unacceptable, and you’d think in 2020 we’d be past this as the human race. You sound like the whole package!

Speaking as a white woman, I understand the privilege I’m given that I shouldn’t. I find the idea of caucasians being considered more attractive insane.  I am often jealous if the beauty I see in black women. While I’m fretting over fine lines with retinol creams and wasting money on make-up to even my skin tone, many of the black girlfriends and coworkers I’ve had needed little to none of that because of their perfect complexions. One of my coworkers I have now is over 60 and has less fine lines than I do!

Post # 7
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2021

I’m sorry you are going through this! Racism sucks!

And now that I’m thinking about it (it’s been a minute since I was dating online), there are sites that let you SELECT what race you’re interested in , or are these people typing it in their profile? That’s just incredibly racist to have that as an actual option, if that is the case! 

Post # 8
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I don’t have any advice to give except to say I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I also want to say, you sound freaking awesome and whichever guy is eventually fortunate enough to end up with you is one lucky man! 

My husband is Asian, and Asian men consistently have the least luck in dating apps out of all men. When he studied in the US, before we met, he consistently got set up with women who made it very clear that they wouldn’t actually consider a relationship but that they consented to one date so as not to seem racist. Apparently he really hesitated to ask me out, because he just assumed I wouldn’t be interested. Luckily, I was thirsty for him from day one and managed to eventually convey that!

He’s awesome. I adore him. There’s someone out there who will feel the same way about you too. 

Post # 9
Member
6170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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Brideordie : Rose:  well that’s as backwards as it gets. “Hide everything about yourself as to not scare the men away”.  Are we in the 1800s???

Don’t feel like you need to downplay your fabulousness in your profile. The right man will love it and be able to offer the same.

I did find that match wasn’t the best for me and there were a lot of guys on there that just wasted time and wanted to hook up. Would you be open to trying eHarmony? They match on wants, education, location, etc and it’s a paid site so a lot of the time-wasters won’t be there. 

Post # 10
Member
5349 posts
Bee Keeper

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xiexie :  
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oranges007 :  I was gonna share that I read an article a few months ago about race and dating websites similar to what you said. Data was gathered from popular websites (US) and it showed that African women and Asian men got the least replies. On the other hand, Caucasian men and Asian women received the most. I live in California and the latter has to be the most common interracial relationship we see out here.

I have 2  friends myself (one Hispanic and one Asian) who refuse to date anyone besides Caucasian men. I think the term is sexual racism (please correct me if it’s something else)? I don’t know what to say but sorry, you are dealing with this.

Post # 11
Member
10599 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Dude you sound great. I’ll date you!

Post # 13
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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lifeisbeeutiful :  Im just saying from what I understand men aren’t attracted by our achievements and qualifications when dating. That doesn’t mean they don’t love us for our intelligence our passion tho, or only want us to be seen and not heard or whatever.

I read on a blog that most men would rather marry a kind and gentle waitress with no money whos easy going than a high flying rich career woman who wants to challenge them and have her match in a man and from what I’ve seen it’s true.

Im not saying to hide her achievements, just to let them come out while actually on dates, not as a way of presenting herself as attractive in the first place. Actually this is something that I think should go for both sexes, the only reason it doesn’t is because apparently some women are impressed by a man obnoxiously listing off every qualification he has, the college he graduated from and the salary he makes (oh and don’t forget the weekend hobbies he’s an “expert” in). There are a lot of crappy people with qualifications and achievements (I don’t mean OP she sounds lovely) who think those things make up for being a good person, and unfortunately they can often find members of the opposite sex to agree.

Is it really a bad thing to want to date someone based on how good company you’ll think they’ll be and not on what qualifications they have professionally? Actually I know a few women who could learn a thing or two from men in this regard.

 

Post # 13
Member
425 posts
Helper bee

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oranges007 :  Sorry you go through this. My recommendation is to just stay off dating websites. I feel like I met nothing but trash on there and even ended up in a dangerous situation with one man. I have zero good experiences from online dating. I always met people much easier in person and I would rather meet someone organically than online. Period.

I am not black but I have had those experiences where because I am female and educated as well… men suspected I was faking my education and intelligence. I believe you when they question the validity of your education and life in general. I have an education in Physics and I would get horrible rude questions. “But… isn’t that like… hard?”. Even in person men have questioned that. My friends backed me up but why the hell do I have to do that in the first place?! I just didn’t mention my education anymore because it only caused me hell having to go through that conversation with another jerk.

You sound like a beautiful great person so I would just live your life and stay off online dating. Since you live in a big city surely you can meet someone great? 🙂

Post # 14
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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oranges007 :  Perhaps they would be impressed if they found out in person and it would be a good conversation starter? by listing every little thing they might think you might also be the kind of person who picks on every little thing they do, or they think they won’t measure up to your expectations if you want a partner of similar education and status to you (since you’ve listed the things you value about yourself they may think you value the same in a partner).

Im sorry bee, but no men are attracted by 3 degrees, no debt, speaking two languages and owning a car. Theyre not turned off by those things either, but they’re not going to be a main factor for men attraction wise. If this is the main focus of your profile and messages you will probably continue to have problems. Srsly, you may not be receptive to hearing about it, but what Rose2323 said about putting your feminine foot first is good practical advice. 

You don’t need to hide who you are, but your more than your degrees and skills right? Your a living caring person too. Lead with that.

Post # 15
Member
6170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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Brideordie :  m sorry bee, but no men are attracted by 3 degrees, no debt, speaking two languages and owning a car. Theyre not turned off by those things either, but they’re not going to be a main factor for men attraction wise.

 

What are you talking about? This is insanity talking. OP please disregard this.

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