(Closed) [Vent] Frustrations of dating while black

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
10541 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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Brideordie :  I have to disagree with you here. The wrong man will not be attracted to those things, but a man who is serious about finding someone to spend his life with and build a future with will 100% be attracted to and very much care about those things. Perhaps the difference in marriage minded men actively looking for a spouse and a scrub looking to just see what happens.

People get caught up in “love” but relationships are just as much business transactions.

Post # 17
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737 posts
Busy bee

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lifeisbeeutiful :  It’s the truth not insanity. Either google it or ask men you know, men aren’t attracted by a woman’s professional qualifications let alone her car ownership. Almost all the expert advice that isn’t just telling us what we want to hear says that men are more attracted by femininity, kindness and humour. Basically looks and personality, not qualifications and career.

I stsly don’t think the statement of mine you quoted is unreasonable at all.

Post # 18
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6166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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Brideordie :  expert advice on Google? Where are these articles? Can you post one?

Post # 19
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737 posts
Busy bee

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slomotion :  I just can’t agree sorry. Maybe I’m wrong but I think very few men get serious with us because of the second income we can bring, let alone because they want people to know their wife lived in another country and can speak two languages. 

Again I’m not saying they find those things to be a turn off, just that they’re not part and parcel of the initial attraction. At least based on what I’ve seen and read I find that to be true. I think we tend to project the way we think onto men, but it’s just not in them to think like that (and that’s ok).

Post # 20
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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lifeisbeeutiful :  Well if I’m so dumb then what do you think attracts men to us? I’m not being insulting, I’d really like to know your opinion? Do you srsly believe men are attracted by our degrees and qualifications?

Post # 21
Member
26 posts
Newbee

 Before we started dating, my husband told me he was very impressed by my FOUR degrees. I even owned a car! Still do!

 

P.S. I had student loan debt at the time so maybe that’s what really did it for him 🙄

Post # 22
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee

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Brideordie :  

I come from a culture where arranged marriages are still a thing. The first step for an arranged marriage is sharing a profile. These are more resume like for us. I can tell you right now, many girls get rejected off the bat because of a “lack” of qualifications. Nowadays many men do want a successful, independent woman. I know men who are super ambitious and want a woman similar to them and anything less than a professional degree is an instant no for them. OP has no reason at all to hide her qualifications. Why tf would “no debt” be unattractive??? Speaking two languages is cool as heck! And not all that rare among immigrant children especially. My friend is a college drop out turned MUA and wanted to go the arranged marriage route. She had shit luck for a long time because guys think a degree-less MUA is not a prideful or successful career. Eventually she did find the one and it worked out! But I’m saying this to show that no, not all men want a woman with debt, car payments, and one/no degree. 

Any man intimidated by a successful woman is not a man. 

Post # 23
Member
6166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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Brideordie :  post an article of these experts please.

Post # 24
Member
267 posts
Helper bee

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Brideordie :  The men I know were very much attracted to accomplished women, and specifically went to certain networking/alumni events to meet women with those traits. I had a man who on the third date wanted to marry me because I fit all of his “requirements”, most importantly where I went to college. Of course he was an idiot and I ended it right there, but I’m not sure what kind of men you’re meeting.

 

OP, I’m so sorry, trying not to derail the thread!

Post # 25
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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dobby98 :  I’m not saying to hide them. Just not to list them all as a lead in. I also didn’t say no debt was unattractive I said it wouldn’t attract a man initially, as in, hearing a women was debt free won’t increase or decrease any feelings he has toward her so why even mention it?

I think a lot of bees here are engaging in wishful thinking that they want to be true but that doesn’t actually line up with what men are actually attracted by.

Post # 26
Member
3262 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

People are attracted to what they’re attracted to. Physical, sexual attraction is personal. As a pp pointed out regarding her Asian husband and his experiences.  

 Many may not be attracted to me. Maybe my weight, height, skin color, facial features,or accent don’t suit. It is what it is.  I doubt many would force themselves to date someone that they don’t find physically attractive. You really can’t force attraction….. 

I perceive people as either more attractive or less attractive the more I get to know them ie their personality becomes intermingled with their appearance. However on a dating site I imagine the interaction is very brief.

I’m sorry you’re frustrated OP and I hope you find your person!

Post # 27
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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Brideordie :  Your view is shaped by your experience and so this makes sense. I agree that there aren’t men attracted to your intellect or accomplishments. 

Post # 28
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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lifeisbeeutiful :  Srsly just YouTube or google “what really attracts men” or “ask men what they find attractive”. This is hardly top secret information.

Post # 29
Member
6166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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Brideordie :  hahahhahaha YouTube and Google what attracts men. Ok thanks but no dating experts. Got it.

Post # 31
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee

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Brideordie :  I mean I do agree that “debt free” and “I paid off my car!” have no place in a dating profile. We don’t know if OP mentioned those in her actual profile, it was likely for our benefit she listed that here in her OP. But debt can be unattractive. I’d run for the hills from anyone with an insane amount of debt, especially if they weren’t worthwhile student loans. It’s definitely something I discussed with my suitors after the first few casual meetings when I felt like the relationship had potential to progress into a marriage. 

But I do think listing your education to some extent is important and definitely something that could attract guys. And yes, some guys don’t find intellect attractive. It’s good to weed those guys out off the bat. Two languages could definitely attract guys. It’d be a huge plus for some who loves traveling for example. Or maybe even someone who speaks the non-English languages as their native tongue. I cannot come up with a situation where it would be a turn-off even if it’s not particularly attractive to one.

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