(Closed) [Vent] Frustrations of dating while black

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
5465 posts
Bee Keeper

I got a weird algorithm with Match. I had really old men messaging me like could be my grandfathers age and it wouldn’t stop. I fought to get my money back because thats not what I signed up for. I’d tell them their algorithm for you is getting all these racist toolbags and you want your money back. Let me tell you it was a fight. They said but you are in their interest. I said I don’t give a crap, the filters should filter out people overmy max age. Same for you it should filter out racist asshats especially if they say it outright in their profile.  I went to eHarmony and it was 1000x better. 

Post # 47
Member
3313 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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Brideordie :  “do you srsly think that men are attracted by our degrees and qualifications?”

Um YES. A lot of decent men are. I know for a fact that my husband loves that I have multiple degrees and love to travel and owned my own home when we met, and that those were things that specifically attracted him to me.

 I think your view on men is really sad and kind of insulting to them. Most of them don’t want some dumb Barbie. 

ps – like PP said, if a man is intimidated by the fact that I have a master’s degree and speak multiple languages – seriously fuck that guy. Next! Or none! Either is better than some insecure little weasel who is intimidated by educated, interesting, confident women. 

Post # 48
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

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chelbell23 :  YES.

I’m so stunned by the number of women who post here with things like: my boyfriend cheated on me, is emotionally distant, calls me a bitch, ignores me in favor of video games and drinks too much. How can I get him to propose?

Only slightly milder is: Nagging worked! After years of my cajoling, begging, crying and sacrifing my own happiness, he has agreed to marry me! I won!

When did women agree that any man was better than no man? And that having a guy, any guy no matter how flawed, is somehow the goal. 

I value things about myself. I value my education. I value my intelligence. I value my financial stability. If a man doesn’t value those things in me, I’m better off without him. If 99 out of 100 men said those things were unimportant to them, then those men aren’t for me. If the 100th man decided to switch sides and vote with the group, I’d buy a vibrator and get a cat. Better off alone than without someone who doesn’t value the things about yourself you take pride in.

As for these men posting wish-lists online, what do they have to offer that makes them desirable? In my experience, men worth my time aren’t posting screeds about how important femininity is or how intimidating it is when a woman touts their accomplishments. They’re spending time with their actual girlfriends and wives. I mean, congrats you’ve got an internet connection I guess? But that doesn’t mean I need to downplay what I perceive as the best in myself to win the holy prize that is your dick.

Post # 49
Member
3313 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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xiexie :  preach!!

Post # 50
Member
2072 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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dobby98 :  Any man intimidated by a successful woman is not a man.   Boom! Mic dropped!

 

OP I’m sure you don’t want a man who is intimidated by your accomplishments….they can keep their distance thank you very much!

Speaking as a Black woman I used Match as well and ran into the same crap you did.  While I did have success and found my husband (took a year), one of my girlfriends gave up because she also had the same problems.  All I can say is the this is simply ONE avenue to meet the guy that’s right for you.    

I could care less about some study or someone thinking I’m less desirable because of the color of my skin…..they can take a long leap off a short ledge because I’m only concentrating on the man who will look past that noise and choose me.  Don’t dwell on this negative part OP or it will get into your head….actually look at it as a great filter……Do you really want to date a guy who thinks along those lines?

So my suggestions if you decide to remain on these sites:  Remove your expectations, let your personality shine through, don’t short change your accomplishments, provide a full picture of yourself as you really are and then go on with you life as if you never signed up, only checking back occassionally or when you get notices that look interesting.  Most of all you should be honest with yourself about what you NEED in a mate rather than what you want.   I totally believe he will come when you are ready to receive him…..he just might not be the packaging you expect so remain as open as you can.  

Keep your head up OP.   You ARE beautiful,  you ARE worthy and he’s out there. 

My husband is white btw so believe me when I say they don’t all think that way.

Post # 51
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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KittyYogi :  Is it sad tho? To be loved for who you are and not how many degrees you have?

I’m not suggesting they want someone dumb, what I’m saying is from my understanding they don’t see degrees as attractive, I’m not saying they can’t be attracted to a woman with a degree. I’ll have a degree before too long, My Fi isn’t going to stop being attracted to me because of it, that is never what I said. But if I told him I was stopping classes and was going to do something else without a degree I know that wouldn’t cause him to lose attraction to me either, as my fundamental personality (which attracted him in the first place) hadn’t changed. 

From what I understand men aren’t attracted to degrees and qualifications because it isn’t natural for them to be attracted to status symbols. So they aren’t bothered one way or another, tho They may tell you otherwise if they think it’s what you want to hear.

Post # 52
Member
1707 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

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Brideordie :  Personally I much prefer the resume style. Narrative bios generally seems too contrived in my opinion, and very rarely do they actually reflect the personality of the writer. They sound like a bad cover letter or a cringy take on tropes. Just give me the bullet points, no BS, and then let me make my own assessment about your personality through actually talking to you.

If I was going to make a sweeping generalization, I would actually assume many men would prefer the bullet points? Short, to the point, and easy to ascertain if a potential date has similar interests before initiating contact. 

At the end of the day if a dude is put off by me listing my profile similarly to a resume…he’s going to be put off by me in general. I’m a bullet point kind of person, I’m not going to weave my interests and accomplishments into a welcoming narrative just to attract more dates. It would be false advertisement. Is it gonna put off some dudes? Yep. But clearly I don’t want to talk to those dudes in the first place.

Post # 53
Member
1658 posts
Bumble bee

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oranges007 :  I think it helps to think about what your objective is: you don’t need most men to be attracted to you. Instead, you want to maximize the probability you find someone compatible while minimizing the time you spend on people who are not compatible. People who are not attracted to you or men who are threatened by your success (even if that is most men) are not compatible, so it’s to your benefit that they select themselves out.

Now to address the first point, online dating is a bit of a hit or miss, and people often act differently online than they would in person. It might be to your advantage to let your friends and family know that you are searching, since they know you well and may know someone compatible. If it is within your budget, you could also consider a matchmaking service to help target your search. 

Post # 54
Member
2424 posts
Buzzing bee

OP clarified on the first page of this thread that she does not list all her accomplishments on her profile, so it’s unclear why people are still doubling down that a dating profile shouldnt look like a resume?

OP, some of the replies you’ve gotten here are really ignorant and tone deaf– completely ignoring the racial element and trying instead to act like the reason you’re struggling with online dating is because you must not be not “feminine” enough in your photos or that you list too many accomplishments. You clarified that neither of those things are true yet the same pp’s continue to harp about that stuff.

I’m a white woman and am not gonna pretend that I can relate to the challenges you’re facing with online dating. But what comes through loud and clear in your writing in this thread is that you are intelligent, confident, and not willing to settle for anything less than awesome in a potential partner. I don’t really have any advice other than just keep being yourself and maybe try some different online dating platforms if you’re not having luck with the current ones?

Post # 55
Member
386 posts
Helper bee

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oranges007 :  I’m sorry bee, I couldn’t imagine! Although I’m white, I’d like to throw out my experiences with online dating, hoping maybe it’ll help you in some way.

There are a lot of losers on online dating. Just because your friend is getting a lot of messages, doesn’t mean that they’re hidden gems. I did online dating when I was board and wanted to go out, and I never really did it hoping to find anything serious, but I met my fiancé on a dating app. 

I’ve been told I’m very intimidating, which always surprises me because how intimidating can a girl who’s only 5′ tall be! Jokes aside, it’s because I’m ambitious and have my shit together. It’s uncommon this day and age to have anyone in their 20s to have their shit together (I know that’s a very broad sweeping generalization, but priorities of our generation are shifting). It’s okay to be ambitious. It’s okay to be you. The right guy will come along who appreciates you the way you are.

I know you’re really frustrated, but you don’t want a man who can’t keep up with you. That’ll just lead to more frustration. 

My suggestions: increase the radius that your matches will reach. If you’re in a suburb but can get your radius to a big city, you’ll probably get more matches. Also, adjust your age parameters. Maybe try narrowing it down to men 28-38 or whatever you feel comfortable with, but I’ll draw out some of those men.

Lastly, and this is the hard one, don’t take online dating too seriously! Remember, people will say things online they’d never say in person because they think there’s no consequence. 

I’ve always been a big believer that “life happens to you when you’re busy making other plans” and that people rarely find love when they’re activly searching for it. I met my fiancé 2 months before I moved across the country when I had no intention of dating. Use this time to do things that boost your confidence! You sound like a catch and anyone will be lucky to have you!

Post # 56
Member
1707 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

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Brideordie :  Okay, but for many of us those degrees are part of who we are. We worked HARD for them, and we are proud of them. We are passionate about them. It says something about who we are. So if a dude isn’t into it… it probably isn’t going to work out 🤷🏻‍♀️

Post # 57
Member
852 posts
Busy bee

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Brideordie :  You give the most ridiculous “advice” and hijack thread after thread by arguing with everyone in it. Fucking stop already.

Post # 58
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3313 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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Brideordie :  you don’t seem to understand that for many of us, having an education and a drive IS part of who we are. It’s not a “status symbol” FFS. Likewise, I love that my husband has a curious mind and a master’s degree. it’s sexy and it makes for an interesting marriage  

You are sounding pretty insulting to women who are educated. I wonder if you have some insecurities that cause you to downplay other people’s/women’s accomplishments. 

(ps – that is a rhetorical question, lol. I have no interest in continuing to engage with your outdated, bordering on misogynistic views)

Post # 59
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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chelbell23 :  And that’s fine, it does filter out men you don’t think you’ll be compatible with which is fine. You may very well still get a man this way, I’m not saying that isn’t the case. I was just trying to say I don’t think men are attracted to this (in the majority) in the same way women are, that is all. I do have to disagree with most of them wanting bullet point qualifications too, but I’m not saying none will.

I feel like what I’m saying is being really misrepresented. I’m not saying dumb yourself down at all, just that men aren’t impressed romantically with these things. I’m not trying to offend anyone.

Post # 60
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

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buzzerbeater :  I’m not trying to hijack anything, I was honestly trying to be helpful. I will stop commenting since people are so upset with me but I don’t think what I’m saying is offensive or unreasonable, even if you disagree with me. Many people flat out insult personally when they disagree, I don’t do that.

OP I’m sorry if I offended you.

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