(Closed) [Vent] Frustrations of dating while black

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee

Ok, so I haven’t read the myriad of comments here (many of which seem to have gotten a little heated), but I thought I’d share my experience because I feel like the truth is somewhere in the middle.

I think the point 

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Brideordie :  is trying to make is that you can’t sum up a person by “what” they are: race, graduate of ____ school, daughter, sister, traveler, whatever.  A person is so much more than that.

Ex: my husband is Indian and I’m caucasian.  I graduated from the top public university in the country but he never got past a couple of semesters of community college; it just wasn’t for him.  I hadn’t traveled much at all when we met but he’d been all over the US, and taken quite a few international trips.  He’s conservative, I’m liberal.  He’s an extrovert and I’m an introvert.  We could have listed all of these personality traits in our profiles and thought to ouselves “Wow, we’d be awful together” but that would have been tragic.  Instead, our profiles focused on what makes us happy and what we were looking for in a relationship.  That’s it.

AND – on our first date we laughed so much it hurt and were instant best friends.  The rest was history – he’s literally my favorite human for so many reasons other than what he could have listed in a dating profile.  So OP, I think it’s finding that person who’s willing to see you for a WHOLE PERSON instead of just a profile (whatever that profile may include – and you sound very impressive and lovely!) and making that initial connection/spark happen.  

Best of luck to you!  Online dating can really be rough, I hope you find your person.

Post # 62
Member
1707 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

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Brideordie :  The main point here that you are not understanding:

THESE ARE NOT THE TYPE OF MEN THAT OP IS LOOKING FOR.

Advising OP to cater to that type of guy, or alter her approach to appeal to “more” men, which is what you are doing whether that is your intention or not – is not helpful at all.

Post # 63
Member
4854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your view is shaped by your experience and so this makes sense. I agree that there aren’t men attracted to your intellect or accomplishments

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glitterati : 😂😂😂 💯

 

 

Post # 64
Member
468 posts
Helper bee

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oranges007 :  ughhh Im sorry this kind of stuff still happens, Bee.
I’m from Hispanic and Latin American descent, and I have two siblings who are both lighter skinned than me. Now, this next part, is important to read carefully: I don’t have dark skin like an indigenous person, or middle eastern or black person…I say this bc I still would get picked on by my siblings that I’m “dark”. They would actually laugh and make me feel bad. They compared skin tones all the time. If you, yourself looked at me, you’d say that I’m on the lighter end of what my skin color would normally be dye to my ethnicity. But my sisters and some acquaintances see it different. Bc it’s all comparison. Since I’m a couple shades darker than my siblings, they see me as dark. It’s all relative, right?

But thats not all, I’m of the genuine opinion that the darker the skin color, the more intriguing and beautiful the person is. I feel when I say this, ppl may think I’m just saying it to be nice, or saying it to defend my medium skin color. It’s not. I genuinely see more depth in dark brown eyes, and more beauty in dark skin. 

anyway, society has a way to follow stereotypes. Everything is hypersexualizes bc of the internet. You have these subconscious ideas put in your head, and so you honestly believe that the lighter the skin, the better. 

i can’t stand that herd following ideology. But, unfortunately, many ppl that can’t think for themselves and really understand what they genuinely like. 
anyway, take care! Much love baby girl 

Post # 65
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee

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oranges007 :  I am so, so sorry you are experiencing this. 

I was raised in a very small town – mostly cornfields and cows, and 99% white. In my opinion, people gravitate to what they are familiar with and base attraction off of that. I believe that people of different races find more success when they are in an area with a large population of a similar race, because people expand their definitions of attractive and appreciate different types of beauty. 

I moved to a large, multi-cultural city in the USA. I taught in communities that were primarly African American and Hispanic. All of my students were incredibly beautiful and it breaks my heart to hear that you don’t feel attractive. In my mind, there’s nothing more attractive than a confident, happy woman who is at peace with herself and her own brand of beauty, regardless of race. 

 

How is it even possible to be more beautiful than this? These women are gorgeous! 

Post # 66
Member
7167 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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oranges007 :  Are you familiar with Chrissie on YouTube? I don’t agree with all of her thinking, but she does do something that I’ve said we, as Black women, need for years, which is focus on corrective programming around Black women and Black women’s beauty and Black women as wives and mothers and partners. Her emphasis is on dark skinned Black women, but I’ve found a lot of what she says valuable as a fair skinned Black woman. She was raised in a household that emphasizes Blackness as Beautiful (as was I – that pushback on societal programming is so important in our homes) and worked in marketing and now she puts those two together in her work. She has a frustrating antagonism towards feminism (and the way she describes it makes me think she hasn’t done much research into it so she should just stop talking about it at all). But yes, I feel you. Online dating sounds like it sucks. I’ve jokingly told my husband that we need to stay together so that I never have to try it. Chrissie does have some tips about it and they are particularly for Black women and online dating profiles.

I have a Black female friend who met her husband (a Black male) online and they arranged their own marriage. They both were clear that they were looking for marriage, and when they matched up (I’m not sure what site they were on), they got to know each other with the intention of having all of the critical conversations up front to determine if they were compatible for marriage. They’ve been married for 6+ years and have two children now and seem very happy.

There are some very specific and nuanced aspects to dating (and existing) as a Black woman in this day and age (and in the online space). I see you and I wish you luck- Speaking as a fellow Black woman, with higher ed degrees, speaking multiple languages and having spent time living and traveling internationally – it can be a lot to feel like you’ve done all you can to make yourself a great candidate and for it to not be working in a specific arena. I don’t really have advice, but feel free to PM me if you’d like.

ETA –  Also, OP, I wanted to say that there was a follow up to that OK Cupid poll that said that while Black women got some of the lowest rates of responses, it wasn’t as bleak as the numbers presented because they were looking at lot at who white men contacted. Black women who were open to dating men of other races (as you said you are), were contacted by Asian, Hispanic and men of Middle Eastern descent more than they were contacted by white men. Not a solution, but it made things a little more hopeful.

Post # 67
Member
7167 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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strawberrysakura :  At no point in her post did OP say that she feels unattractive. She said that men aren’t responding to her and that is frustrating. She isn’t the one with an issue with her Blackness or perception of her own beauty. Other people are, because we live in a racist society.

Post # 68
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee

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TwilightRarity :  She commented about an OKCupid poll rating African American women as the least attractive. She may not have said SHE feels unattractive but it’s not exactly a leap to assume that reading things like this can be a hit to someone’s self-esteem. I responded with something that I think was positive and kind, and I really don’t understand your aggressive and negative response to that. Frankly, I’m really surprised that you responded to me in such a way and I really don’t think that it was helpful or kind. 

Post # 69
Member
906 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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strawberrysakura :  Honestly, I think it’s a little weird that you posted those pictures. Doing so kind of seems like romanticizing [thin] black women, whether you meant to or not. “How is it even possible to be more beautiful than this?” I mean… those three women are just people, so it’s obviously possible?

Post # 70
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee

At this point I’m signing off of this thread. I am SICK to death of certain bees being jerks to others on here. We are all stressed. We are all suffering in some ways. The last thing we need is to post something out of kindness and then have that post picked apart. 

These are hard times, people. Be kind to others. 

Post # 72
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m taking a break from this site altogether. Maybe I didn’t state my opinion in the best way possible. If so, I apologize, I didn’t mean to be insensitive. But you know what? I didn’t deserve to have my posts, which were meant kindly, viewed in the worst way possible or picked apart. I’ve been here awhile and I would like to think people understand I have good intentions. 

I haven’t been posting much because I’m incredibly stressed and having a hard time. *edited because I don’t even want to have the appearance of my family’s medical situation with the pandemic used for sympathy. * 

You don’t know everyone’s circumstances on here. I just wish we could err on the side of being kind and supportive.  

Post # 73
Member
2155 posts
Buzzing bee

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strawberrysakura :  

I’m sorry about your loved one being sick.  This forum always has Its ups and downs.  This thread in particular is addressing an extremely sensitive topic, to which reactions are likely to be volatile and intense.  I’ve stayed away for that reason.

I hope you can get some rest and something positive swinging your way amidst this really stressful time.

Post # 74
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

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oranges007 :  

unlimited moral support here. Your writing style is top class too. 

The underlying issue here is lack of quality supply to meet demand.

can’t imagine any structural changes will affect the supply side within your immediate dating window. 

So what options are open to find greater supply? You already live in a top 5 city by population. You’re already online dating. 

So I’m not pretending that I have the answers. But I hope you get what you want. 

Post # 75
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee

I am horrified by some of the comments to this thread. So much ignorance and white privilege.

The topic ‘[Vent] Frustrations of dating while black’ is closed to new replies.

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