Post # 1
Sorry just needed to get a vent out. Fiance and I are trying really hard to reduce the costs for our wedding party. Since we are having a half-Indian wedding with everyone wearing Indian clothes for the ceremony, we’ve even paid for all of their Indian outfits. For the reception, I asked my girls to wear a black knee length dress of their choosing, and bought them matchign shawls and jewelry. For the GMs, Fiance asked them to all wear dark colored suits, and a french cuff shirt. We are providing the ties and cufflinks as Groomsmen presents. We also negotiated a great rate for the four star hotel we’re having the wedding at, and got rooms for $89 a night plus free parking.
Despite all this, this past weekend when Groomsmen Mr. L came to visit– all he could do was complain about the expenses for the wedding. Now mind you, he already owns a black suit, and dress shoes, so the only thing he has to buy is a french cuff shirt. He currently lives rent free with his grandparents and has a full time job as a substitute teacher for the entire school year. He wears button down shirts EVERY day for work, but kept going on and on to Fiance about how he would never wear it again and what a hassle it would be. Seriously— you can get a really nice one on sale at Macys for around $20 if you tried.
This guy is a perpetual complainer, and when Fiance and another Groomsmen told him it shouldnt cost so much, he said “oh well sorry mr. moneybags”. I know that he resents Fiance and I for having well paying jobs, but you have got to be kidding me. I would love to tell the guy off, but it’s not my place and I don’t want to be the cause of a fight b/w him and my Fiance. Nor do I want tension among the Groomsmen since they are best friends from college so it might cause some to draw sides.
My big fear with him is that he will ruin my FI’s wedding experience with all his negativity– something Fiance has already told me he himself fears. At the last wedding we went to from our group of friends where Mr. L was a Groomsmen, he complained the ENTIRE time about how much money it cost, at how much his life sucks, and how his girlfriend dumped him the month before. I wanted to be compassionate and make sure he didn’t do this around the Groom and Bride, so I spent the entire night with Fiance listening to him complain, trying to be there for him, and making sure the Bride and Groom had no idea he was so miserable. At no point in that entire weekend did he ever even pretend to be happy for the Groom (one of his friends), and instead just kept saying he thought the bride was fat. (The woman weighs maybe 135 lbs– don’t get me started on his warped sense of reality) He has gotten a lot worse since we asked him to be in the wedding party, and honestly had he acted like this intially I don’t think Fiance would have asked him– but at this point it just seems too late.
So my question (sorry this is so long) do we confront him and ask him to be happy for us, or just let it go as something we can’t control, and ignore him.
Post # 3
Fiance should confront him, and point out his negativity in the past wedding. Something like..”Hey man, I know in the last wedding, you were pretty bummed about the breakup with _____ and I just wanted to make sure that you have a better time as a Groomsmen this time. I don’t want this to be a bad experience for you and really, if it’s too much, no pressure on having to be a Groomsmen. “
Honestly, if the guy balks at that, he’s probably too much stress for you to handle on the wedding day and you should consider not having him there. Did he recognize that his behavior was too much? I think it may be best to consider leaving him out entirely.
Post # 4
I’m sorry you are dealing with this! You and your fiance certainly don’t need the added stress. I think it might be good if your fiance has a talk with him about his attitude. I wouldn’t approach it as a confrontation, but instead frame it more out of concern for him. He sounds like someone who is prone to living in his head, so he probably has no idea how he sounds or how his behavior affects those around him. A little reality check would do him some good, but I totally understand now wanting to cause any rifts within this group of friends. In the end, if he doesn’t change, maybe you can ask one of the other groomsmen to “babysit” him at all wedding related functions so you don’t have to deal with him.
Post # 5
Eh, just ignore him. Sounds like he’s trying to get your Fiance to buy the shirt and save money. Since he’s being rude enough to complain without regard for the bride and groom at the previous wedding and making uncalled for remarks about the bride, how are you sure he’s not going to do the same at your wedding?
I assume Fiance has a Best Man right? Appeal to him to maybe take Groomsmen L shopping one day, or keep emailing him with links to cheap places online to buy a white shirt until he actually buys one. Worst case scenario – If he still shows up without one, try getting a shirt in his size on loan from someone who’s not in the wedding party and have that as a backup.
If all this subtlety doesnt work, just come right out and say that you have a specific color scheme for your wedding and he is expected to conform to it, not stick out like a sore thumb. If he can’t respect the trust that your Fiance placed in him when asking to be part of his wedding party, then he should just step down as Groomsmen. I’m sorry for the harsh view, but that’s just rude behaviour.
Post # 6
I think your Fiance should talk to him. Maybe tell how much this day means to you and how you want EVERYONE to have a good time. If he conintues complaining about hte cost maybe at that poin the two of youshould get together with him and discuss with him if he is able to afford it and give him an out. Maybe it will makehim realize that it appears that he can’t afford things and I think that would be a little embarassing. Also, maybe he can’t afford it and would appreciate an out?
Post # 7
I think your Fiance needs to confront him–calmly and evenly say, “I can tell that you’re upset about the cost associated with the wedding, and I think we’ve done everything we can to alleviate that for you. It also seems like you’re generally unhappy to be involved. If you’d rather back out and just come as a guest, we totally understand.” You don’t need that at your wedding, and someone needs to call him out on his childish behavior. Good luck!
Post # 8
I would give him the opportunity to duck out. Clearly he thinks $20 is too much to spend (even though that’s less than one night at the bar). Have Fiance talk to him and explain that you both realize his participation is very costly, and you don’t want to ask him to do anything that he can’t afford. You would understand if he’d rather come as just a guest instead so he doesn’t have to spend money on a shirt he’ll “never wear again.” If he accepts, then his complaining IS about the money. If he declines, then he’s just a freaking whiner. Don’t involve him in any planning if you can help it, and stay far far away from him on the wedding day. Can he be the last Groomsmen to walk down the aisle (and thus the farthest away from you)? Can you have a separate table for part of the bridal party instead of the main table? Perhaps consider a sweethearts table so that you don’t have him sitting close to you. This guy doesn’t seem like the type you want around before, during, or after a wedding. Why is your Fiance friends with him in the first place??
Post # 9
Oh man I hear you on annoying drama-queen groomsmen. We have a few of them. My FI’s best man is maybe the worst of all. He thinks I “stole” Fiance away from him. Way to be 5 years old, 32 year old man. Anyway, I only point this out because Fiance and I are just sort of like whatever. If they want to act like douchebags then fine. They still agreed to be in the wedding and they’ll suck up whatever they need to do because they don’t have a choice. I don’t let the complaining get to me anymore because honestly the GMs in question have pissed us both off with various nonsense so if they are unhappy about something, that actually makes me happy. I would not let it get to you. I mean do you honestly think that you’ll let this one guy and his crappy attitude ruin your entire wedding? That won’t happen. He’s clearly a debbie downer so just ignore him.
Post # 10
Thanks guys– with only 2 months to the wedding and the programs already printed, it might be hard to have him out of the wedding and still attend as a guest. I am hoping he’ll just behave and my girls have already declared that they will put him in his place should he begin to act up.
Post # 11
Your BMs sound awesome. Great idea! Use them to keep him busy!