(Closed) Vent: heart hurts after he told me he had 4/5 lap dances in Vegas

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
634 posts
Busy bee

Well this is a bit tricky, because like you say he’s technically done nothing wrong since you told him you were fine with it.  The downside to being the “cool fiancee” is that you actually have to be cool.  I make no secret that I wouldn’t be – I’ve never had to have that conversation with my husband because he never did that kind of stag party, and he’s really not very laddish anyway.  But I absolutely would have told him that I choose not to be with someone who is.

So where now?  I get the trust thing, my ex shattered mine too.  You can’t force yourself to want to be with him if you don’t, so maybe you should allow the anger to pass before you make any rash decisions.  Don’t let him placate you or try to down play it, just take some time on your own to figure how much this bothers you, and whether going forward he’s going to be comfortable with you now having boudaries that you didn’t have before.

Post # 3
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee

Hugs, bee. Have a mimosa, listen to some music or read a book, and reevaluate when you’re in a better frame of mind. Don’t make decisions while you’re still angry, and don’t confront him if you’re not in control of your anger or hurt. 

I did laugh at your one peepee comment though. 

Post # 4
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Do you have buried trust issues with your Fiance (as you alluded to)? If yes, the time to deal with them is now. 

If not…I know you’re hurting and you have a right to your feelings, but it wouldn’t be right to take it out on your Fiance. He didn’t doing anything wrong based on the boundaries YOU set; the fact that you set the wrong boundaries for yourself isn’t his fault. 

talk it out with your Fiance, don’t cancel everything in a knee-jerk reaction. Again, he did nothing to hurt you or betray your trust- why would you throw away your relationship because of a moment of jealousy and pride?

Post # 5
Member
1800 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m sorry your hurting, but guys aren’t mind readers. If you tell them you are fine with it then that’s what they think. I totally agree that the whole thing is bullcrap. One last hurrah. I totally disagree with it but my husband was aware of my feelings going in and we/I put down ground rules that we were comfortable with. 

Post # 6
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

If you knew you would spend the night crying about it why didn’t you tell him? 

Post # 7
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2020

I was just wondering something similar to hyacinths’ comment.

Have you spoken to him about how upset you get about him going to strip clubs in the past? If not, and this really will suck to hear, he’s not in the wrong. If he has not been told outright how much it hurts you when he goes to strip clubs, then he.may legitimately not know.On the other hand, if you have spoken with him about it, he’s being a real jerk for going now…

I guess the silver lining is that the communication lines between you are open enough that he told you, as opposed to you finding out much later. I’m still sorry that you’re going through thos though. 🙁

Post # 8
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I don’t understand why women can’t be honest with their SO about their feeling. How hard is it to say “I am uncomfortable and it is not my value”? Relationship is about communication. If you didn’t tell him how you feel, it is not his fault. But if you did and he went to Vegas anyway, that’s the issue and only then should you guys break up.

Post # 9
Member
12638 posts
Honey Beekeeper

It wasn’t “just” a strip show. It’s sad and a shame that people actually think it’s the woman’s responsibility to tell a Fiance that “grinding” on one or multiple naked women is not OK. It wouldn’t be OK at any other time or place.

 

Post # 10
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Like pp said – take some time to breathe and relax. Go for a run or a bike ride to clear your mind. 

I totally understand why you’re so upset by this – even though you said you were okay with strippers, 5 lap dances is kind of above and beyond that. Like you gave him an inch and he took a mile. I, too, probably wouldn’t think to ask my husband not to let five different women grind on him because I wouldn’t even think of it as a possibility. I hope he hears you out, bee. 

Post # 11
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee

citruscinders:  You said that it’s probably buried trust and relationship issues, and based on what you said I agree.

You said “Ok, as in I know it’s going to happen and I’m turning a blind eye even though I hate it and any of the few times he had gone before, I would spend the night crying.” —> Just why? I agree that you shouldn’t be upset with him for doing something you’d acted like you were ok with. But why did you act like you are ok with it when you so obviously aren’t?

Post # 12
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

You lost me at “peepee”. Grow up, do you cry when he sees women in bikinis Or watches porn? 

Post # 13
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

mandabride00:  +1

I think you are overreacting and honestly, being a little bit precious. If you dont like something – tell him – and then if he still does it you have a problem on your hands. 

Dont try and be ‘cool’ about things when you’re not. It will bite you in the ass. 

Post # 14
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Sorry, bee. You’re being unreasonable. If you were to leave him over this, it would be effectively the same as —

Police officer: “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?”

Driver: “No sir. I set my cruise control at 65mph, which is what that sign says. Do I have a light out?”

Officer: “No, I just decided that I’m only comfortable with 55mph on this road. Here’s your citation and your fine. Have a nice day!” 

It is unfair to take your lack of honesty/transparency (either with yourself or with him) out on him, when you gave him the green light. 

Post # 15
Hostess
9758 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

If you walk away from marriage over this, you’ll do irreparable damage to your relationship. Do you really, truly want to lose this man FOREVER? Because you were willing to marry him FOREVER, and to me, canceling the wedding over lap dances you knew he would get is not only immature but also irresponsible to the man that you love and thought you would spend forever with.

Now my response would 100000% different if you had told him before the party you weren’t ok with lap dances, but you didn’t. 

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