Post # 1
So, I thought I was OK with strippers and we even joked about it before he went on his 5 day Vegas bachelor party. Ok, as in I know it’s going to happen and I’m turning a blind eye even though I hate it and any of the few times he had gone before, I would spend the night crying. I know and read about all the stuff that can (or doesn’t) happen, an I actually trust him enough to keep it in his pants.
He told me the yesterday that his buddies bought him 4 to 5 short lap dances. I lost it. One lap dance, I was prepared for, but 5 naked women grinding on him??? Five that he found hot and intentionally selected?? I feel so hurt and I can’t stop crying. I feel devastated and betrayed. Inviting sexual interaction with multiple women as a right of passage to be with the woman you love for the rest of your life – is bulls##t. I’m not going out and inviting dick because I’m going to be stuck with one peepee forever.
I’ve contemplated on cancelling everything. To the point where I’ve calculated how much money I’d lose and how much it would cost to move out.
I never thought that I was a prude. But I hurt. The last time I hurt like this, I moved to a different country to get over that ex and it took me a year to be able to feel happiness in my heart.
He gets back tomorrow night. I’ve only told him I’m upset and feel betrayed but that we will have a longer conversation face to face.
At this point, I don’t want to be with him anymore, but I realize that it’s my anger speaking. Having said that, I wonder if this is just brought out buried trust and relationship issues? (Probably)
I realize that I should have laid down some ground rules, but I didn’t think I’d take it this hard. I kept it pretty open, thinking he would not cross too many lines. Technically he didn’t, but I’m still so sad.
Thanks for reading ladies.
Post # 2
Well this is a bit tricky, because like you say he’s technically done nothing wrong since you told him you were fine with it. The downside to being the “cool fiancee” is that you actually have to be cool. I make no secret that I wouldn’t be – I’ve never had to have that conversation with my husband because he never did that kind of stag party, and he’s really not very laddish anyway. But I absolutely would have told him that I choose not to be with someone who is.
So where now? I get the trust thing, my ex shattered mine too. You can’t force yourself to want to be with him if you don’t, so maybe you should allow the anger to pass before you make any rash decisions. Don’t let him placate you or try to down play it, just take some time on your own to figure how much this bothers you, and whether going forward he’s going to be comfortable with you now having boudaries that you didn’t have before.
Post # 3
Hugs, bee. Have a mimosa, listen to some music or read a book, and reevaluate when you’re in a better frame of mind. Don’t make decisions while you’re still angry, and don’t confront him if you’re not in control of your anger or hurt.
I did laugh at your one peepee comment though.
Post # 4
Do you have buried trust issues with your Fiance (as you alluded to)? If yes, the time to deal with them is now.
If not…I know you’re hurting and you have a right to your feelings, but it wouldn’t be right to take it out on your Fiance. He didn’t doing anything wrong based on the boundaries YOU set; the fact that you set the wrong boundaries for yourself isn’t his fault.
talk it out with your Fiance, don’t cancel everything in a knee-jerk reaction. Again, he did nothing to hurt you or betray your trust- why would you throw away your relationship because of a moment of jealousy and pride?
Post # 5
I’m sorry your hurting, but guys aren’t mind readers. If you tell them you are fine with it then that’s what they think. I totally agree that the whole thing is bullcrap. One last hurrah. I totally disagree with it but my husband was aware of my feelings going in and we/I put down ground rules that we were comfortable with.
Post # 6
If you knew you would spend the night crying about it why didn’t you tell him?
Post # 7
I was just wondering something similar to hyacinths’ comment.
Have you spoken to him about how upset you get about him going to strip clubs in the past? If not, and this really will suck to hear, he’s not in the wrong. If he has not been told outright how much it hurts you when he goes to strip clubs, then he.may legitimately not know.On the other hand, if you have spoken with him about it, he’s being a real jerk for going now…
I guess the silver lining is that the communication lines between you are open enough that he told you, as opposed to you finding out much later. I’m still sorry that you’re going through thos though. 🙁
Post # 8
I don’t understand why women can’t be honest with their SO about their feeling. How hard is it to say “I am uncomfortable and it is not my value”? Relationship is about communication. If you didn’t tell him how you feel, it is not his fault. But if you did and he went to Vegas anyway, that’s the issue and only then should you guys break up.
Post # 9
It wasn’t “just” a strip show. It’s sad and a shame that people actually think it’s the woman’s responsibility to tell a Fiance that “grinding” on one or multiple naked women is not OK. It wouldn’t be OK at any other time or place.
Post # 10
Like pp said – take some time to breathe and relax. Go for a run or a bike ride to clear your mind.
I totally understand why you’re so upset by this – even though you said you were okay with strippers, 5 lap dances is kind of above and beyond that. Like you gave him an inch and he took a mile. I, too, probably wouldn’t think to ask my husband not to let five different women grind on him because I wouldn’t even think of it as a possibility. I hope he hears you out, bee.
Post # 11
citruscinders: You said that it’s probably buried trust and relationship issues, and based on what you said I agree.
You said “Ok, as in I know it’s going to happen and I’m turning a blind eye even though I hate it and any of the few times he had gone before, I would spend the night crying.” —> Just why? I agree that you shouldn’t be upset with him for doing something you’d acted like you were ok with. But why did you act like you are ok with it when you so obviously aren’t?
Post # 12
You lost me at “peepee”. Grow up, do you cry when he sees women in bikinis Or watches porn?
Post # 13
I think you are overreacting and honestly, being a little bit precious. If you dont like something – tell him – and then if he still does it you have a problem on your hands.
Dont try and be ‘cool’ about things when you’re not. It will bite you in the ass.
Post # 14
Sorry, bee. You’re being unreasonable. If you were to leave him over this, it would be effectively the same as —
Police officer: “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?”
Driver: “No sir. I set my cruise control at 65mph, which is what that sign says. Do I have a light out?”
Officer: “No, I just decided that I’m only comfortable with 55mph on this road. Here’s your citation and your fine. Have a nice day!”
It is unfair to take your lack of honesty/transparency (either with yourself or with him) out on him, when you gave him the green light.
Post # 15
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
If you walk away from marriage over this, you’ll do irreparable damage to your relationship. Do you really, truly want to lose this man FOREVER? Because you were willing to marry him FOREVER, and to me, canceling the wedding over lap dances you knew he would get is not only immature but also irresponsible to the man that you love and thought you would spend forever with.
Now my response would 100000% different if you had told him before the party you weren’t ok with lap dances, but you didn’t.