(Closed) Vent: heart hurts after he told me he had 4/5 lap dances in Vegas

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

He is a guy that likes strip clubs.  You don’t like them.  No one likes to be controlled.  People don’t change.  You two are not compatible.

Either:

1)  He can miraculously decide he hates strip clubs.

2)  You can miraculously decide you’re OK with them.

or:

You can both spend your lives being unhappy that things aren’t the way you want them.

Aside from the “cool girl” bullshit you’re trying to pull, you two just aren’t ever going to see eye to eye!  Neither of you is wrong, but neither of you is going to change, either.  You both need to find people you’re genuinely compatible with.

Post # 47
Member
10031 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Personally, I’ve never seen been bothered by strippers or lap dances so I have a hard time connecting on this. I will say I don’t think this is something to cancel a wedding over especially if you gave him permission in the first place. 

As long as he didn’t do anything inappropriate I don’t feel that he did anything wrong (again, you gave him permission). It’s not like he slept with these women or is keeping in contact. For the ladies, it’s all about work. They danced in close proximity with probably minimal touching (most places have rules about the level of contact the dancer and customer are allowed to have).

I think to throw away a good relationship with an otherwise good man over something like this is a gross overreaction. In the future, I would suggest you make it clear strip clubs are a no go for you. 

Post # 48
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Agreeing with one of the posters before me, was he aware you cried all night the times he went to stripclubs before? If so, he is really an asshole. The ugliest of all kinds.

 

You are the woman he is supposed to marry. Nothing should be more important to him than your happiness. Especially not other naked girls. God this man grosses me out! 

 

Is would not be able to even look at this man. Any less stand infront of him promising him my hand in marriage infront of my family. He will probably still stink from the other womens perfume.

Post # 49
Member
6671 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

bibbithebee:  This is all well and good, because it melds with your values.  But I bet you made said values loud and clear at or near the start of your relationship, not after the fact.  I am also 100% against it and married someone who was as well – and that’s fine because we were both clear about those particular shared values.  That information is hardly helpful in this situation, though.  

In this case, the OP did NOT tell her fiance that she had a problem with strip clubs.  He’s been to them in the past and she’s not complained to him or told him how it makes her feel.  Now he goes and she wants to break it all off?  She needs to take responsibility for herself – she CHOSE to be ‘ok’ with it.  She CHOSE not to tell him it skeeves her out or whatever.  Now the consequence is he went out and did something that he feels is alright and thought she felt was okay.  That’s not his fault.  As you can see from previous posters, some people here are 100% okay with strip clubs, lap dances and the like.  Others are not.  The key is to make it clear from the start.  It’s kind of like if she had been going out for steak night once or twice a year since he’d known her, no problem, then had a bbq bachelorette and he dumped her because he’s a vegan.  Illogical solution.

OP, tell him you made a mistake.  You thought this was something you were fine with, but it’s not.  That you don’t feel comfortable with him doing such a thing again (without finding fault with him, because this is not at all his fault).  Decide where to go from here – is it okay to go to the club to hang out with his buddies as long as he doesn’t partake?  Just the bar from now on?  No more bachelor parties ever, no matter how innocent? I suggest you write it all out in a letter first, to vent, then speak to him using more calm words and leave it open for discussion.

Post # 50
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

These posts and the women that come to the defense of the fiance always disgust me. I would absolutely refuse to marry a man who found it 100% okay to have another naked women (or in this case, several) climbing all over him, paid or not. 

When I got married, I expected complete devotion from him from the minute he put the engagement ring on my finger. He expected the same. 

Honestly, if I were you (or any number of women who come here hurting after their fiances went on a Vegas free-for-all) I would leave. If he can’t respect you enough to keep himself out of situations like that, what’s going to keep him around in the long run? 

I’ve just never understood the concept of starting off a monogamous marriage by celebrating with a bunch of naked women who aren’t your fiance. Blows my mind.

Post # 51
Member
10031 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

bibbithebee:  You are really going overboard here, bee. I almost feel as if you’re trying to rile OP up and encourage her to end her engagement over something that’s pretty honestly silly. These are people’s lives and this is not something that cannot be worked through with a little bit of communication.

Also, pretty sure he won’t stick of other women’s perfume as he will have showered by then. 🙂

Post # 52
Member
6671 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

801wife:  bibbithebee:  These responses are borderline bizarre – Yes, many people think strippers are disgusting and what have you.  SHE ALREADY KNEW HE DIDN’T!  As in earlier in the relationship he’d been to strip clubs without her saying she didn’t like it.  You can’t call a man disgusting for having different values than you.  You can’t blow it out of proportion saying he’s gross and will reek of her perfume days after, anything else that you two are saying.  His boundaries are different, sure.  So are the boundaries of many of the women on this site.  You can’t force your own on them.  What’s important here is being clear and up front about your boundaries and seeing if you are compatible – NOT calling someone gross and disgusting after the fact.

I am as prudish as they come, probably more so than the two of you, and I still think your responses are just as disgusting as you think her fiance is.

Post # 53
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

skunktastic:  You’re more than welcome to be disgusted by whatever you want. Does not change that I am physically repulsed by men who do that. I’m stating a personal fact.

 

Pot, meet kettle.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  801wife.
Post # 54
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

slomotion:  If he hasn’t showered between the bachelor party and the wedding, then there are bigger issues in the relationship! 

 

Post # 55
Member
770 posts
Busy bee

Not entirely sure why there are posters saying the OP is immature because she’s got feelings that weren’t immediately clear to her. People do develop, change, grow in their lifetimes. That’s a thing. Unfortunately, because we live in a society where we are brought up encouraged to see strip clubs, prostitution, pornography (which are all heavily skewed toward featuring women and for standard male heterosexualiyt) and the complete objectification of women as normal, we have many cases like this where women feel a bit “off” about it but hey, everyone says it’s fine, right, so therefore you must allow it. From the sound of it, OP didn’t like it but didnt think she could really say that much about it. Very common. Unfortunately it meant she had a sharp shock here. Ideally, yes, she would have known her exact feelings prior and would have been able to talk about that, but life doesn’t fit into these neat little boxes. 

OP, I understand your feelings of revulsion. Like some others have said, I wouldn’t be able to get over it either. Just because you didn’t know this about yourself does not mean you have to trap yourself in a marriage where you will forever feel sad and grossed out. And just because you have these feelings doesn’t make you a prude or immature, or anything else some of the others are saying (why are these people not given warnings for this behaviour? If I called someone a slut on here I would sure get one). I will never understand the idea that it’s okay for your partner to pay for someone to get naked specifically to excite them but if s stranger in a bar did it unprompted there would be hell up and it would be called cheating. Does making the female body a commodity to be bought and sold somehow make this okay? Frankly, I demand more respect from myself and my partners – not because I have low self-esteem but entirely the opposite. 

Anyone I’ve seen on here commenting along similar lines as I may enjoy the website feminist current and the blog posts on there (particularly by Meghan Murphy). 

OP, you’re not alone!

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  writersblock.
  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  writersblock.
Post # 56
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

If he’s been to strip clubs in the past and its upset you why in the world would you suddenly be “ok” with a 5 day trip to Vegas?

Did you not want him to have to tell his buddies “Hey guys, no go on the Vegas trip” and think he’s a wimp? How can he know what you’re thinking if you don’t tell him? Even if he knew strip clubs upset you in the past you may have had a change of heart and be ok with Vegas. Sometimes when people are out having fun they get caught up in the moment and it makes it harder to make judgement calls. 

Post # 57
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I want to put an end to this “cool girl” definition. Personally, I have no problem with strip clubs. Lord knows I find other men attractive, I could watch Chris Evans pull that helicopter down with nothing but his massive bicep all day long. And I’m not naive enough to think Darling Husband doesn’t find other women attractive. I think strip clubs are socially acceptable places to indulge in these feelings without compromising your real relationships. In my mind they allow us to engage in our baser instincts without consequence. But that’s just my opinion, it only works if both parties agree.

But I’m no more “cool” than anyone else for feeling that way. It’s too trivial of an issue to matter. Conversely, a woman is not a “prude” for feeling differently. These are personal boundaries, they shouldn’t be open to public judgement, and those descriptors certainly carry judgement.

No woman should feel obligated to share my boundaries, or feel in any way lesser due to her own. And no man should make a woman feel guilt over it. But lying about them smacks of such profound immaturity that I really think lap dances are the smallest of problems here. I wish you the best of luck OP.

Post # 58
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

I mean.. you told him you were okay with it and you joked about it prior to him going, right? 

With my boyfriend, I found myself in a position where before-the-fact, I rationally decided I was okay with him going to a strip club with his friend for his bachelor party (my boyfriend was the best man).  Honestly, I didn’t think twice about it – it was the first time I had dealt with this situation but I wasn’t worried.  But surprising to me – afterwards, I felt horrible about it. I was so upset/angry/confused.

How did we get past it? We talked about it.  I didn’t blame him, because duh, I told him he could do it .. no big deal. But I cried and told him I didn’t understand why I was upset, and I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t get it out of my head. We worked through it, we both feel better for it.  You can’t always predict your emotions, and that’s ok. But you can’t fault him for believing that youd be fine with it, if you flat-out told him it was fine.  It’s ok to feel how you feel, but don’t push him away. Let him in.

Post # 59
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

mandabride00:  haha! Your funny! I kind of thought that too when peepee was said! I talk to my three and six year old like that! 

Post # 60
Member
6552 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

If you cried all night over past lap dances, then you flat out lied to him when you made it seem like you were okay with it. For you to end the relationship because of your own lies and lack of communication would be ridiculous. Next time, try being honest  – both with yourself and the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with.

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