(Closed) Vent: How to deal with a groom who doesn't take initiative for the wedding

posted 6 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 4
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Girl, I feel you. I have no advice unfortunately because my Fiance does the same thing. I just end up handling it all. On a side note, I knew how he was when we got engaged so I am not completely surprised.

Post # 5
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I understand, definitely!  I wish my Fiance would take more initiative on a lot of things for the wedding.  I’ve been feeling burnt out a lot lately & like I’m the only one who cares about everything coming together.  Only about 5 more weeks for me though… so I’m just gonna try to hang in there, LoL.

Post # 6
Member
1381 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Mine was like this too.  I think they seem to think that once they give you the ring, their job is done because what man wants to pick out venues and flowers and such..?  I got so mad at my man’s nonchalance one night and called him out on it.  Now he’s definitely being more proactive, in the sense that if I ask him to compare things, he now gives an opinion!

I also feel that it can be a bummer for a man to discuss wedding plans, especially if they’re going to be paying for some/a lot of the wedding.  Just discussing the wedding could stress them out because they bombard their minds with the financial aspect of it all.  I know this is the truth on my end at least, because he gets wishy-washy everytime I bring up hiring a vendor for something!

Post # 7
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My FI’s been doing the same thing. He looks at me crossed-eyed when I try to get him to help cuz he can’t understand why I’m freaking out when the wedding’s over a year away. I just don’t think they get how important this stuff is! I was trying to explain Out of Town bags to my Fiance the other day and it was like I was speaking a different language. It’s so frustrating!

Post # 8
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

i went through the same thing ! trust me, you are not alone. my mom and i did everyone, alot of it was my mom, if it wasnt for her we would never have gotten everything done on time. its not that he didnt care its just the fact that he just wanted it to be what i wanted and he did give his opinion when i asked for it but i never gave him a list of things to do or to look over. i think alot of guys think that its the girls” job” to just do it ? the day we got married he didnt even know how we had decorated the hall until we walked in as mr and mrs. he knew the centerpieces and the table covers. and we had been to the hall before but he didnt help set it up. they just kinda go with the flow. i think its hard to find a guy that is gonna be there every step of the way. good luck !

Post # 9
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

I TOTALLY feel you! Ugh, I am so frustrated, angry, and disappointed.  I mean, it’s bad enough I have to take the initiative on EVERYTHING, but when I ask him to do things, he either doesn’t do them or does them [email protected]$$ed.  I can’t do everything, like get the addresses for *his* side of the family, i don’t know them!  Ugh, I am so angry!  It’s crazy, because this wedding planning has brought out more anger at him than I’ve ever felt!

Post # 10
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I completely hear you, I could have almost written this same post. Even now at three weeks out, he’s vaguely interested and excited, but I honestly cannot think of a single wedding related task that he has actually accomplished without me hovering over his shoulder at the time. We’ve had more fights about how wedding planning is going than I think we have in the rest of our relationship combined, which would worry me a lot if it wasn’t so clearly situational. In a sort of horrible way, it makes me wish I had taken him up on more of the financial contribution he offered for the wedding initially, to feel less like I’m working really hard to save money and seeing no benefit from it.

Post # 11
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

He’s taking no initiative because he doesn’t care.  In the world of weddings the wedding day is the bride’s day…the groom just shows up.  This has been drilled into every man’s brain for all eternity.  I wouldn’t expect anything from him because he’s not going to do it. 

Post # 12
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

What parts of the wedding does he care about? Does he want a specific food served or a venue or to invite certain people? Put him in charge of those things.

If you’re talking something like the BM’s dress colors when he doesn’t care at all about colors, then you should do it because it matters to you.

Unfortunately, if he doesn’t care about anything and you do, you’ll have to limit yourself to doing what you can and that’s it.

Things that you don’t care about and that he doesn’t want to do just don’t get done. And that’s okay, because neither of you care! Its you and your FI’s wedding, just do what you both want and forget the rest. 🙂

Post # 14
Member
1024 posts
Bumble bee

My husband was in charge of music and… yeah, that was it. And I even had to edit and add to that, ha. 

But, he was very supportive throughout the planning process and did a lot of listening & advising if I needed an opinion.

I got pretty upset early on in the planning when he often said “I don’t care” to options I’d run by him, but I later realized (through a discussion) that he didn’t mean anything bad by that – he literally just had no preference, and if I did, I should be the person making the decisions. Once I made peace with that, all was better.

From what I’ve heard, that kind of thing is pretty standard – the women usually end up doing the planning since they’re the ones who are most excited/concerned about the little details.

You may find more help from your wedding party members, maybe?

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