- 7 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
One of my best friends is getting married this coming weekend, after a 1.5-year-long engagement. We’ve been friends for about 7 years, she asked me to be her MoH a week after she got engaged, and I’ve been trying to prep myself for this for a long time.
The thing is — I’ve been having a hard time keeping our friendship going throughout her engagement, and I’m already fighting with a lot of my feelings to keep them in check as this week progresses.
The negativity between us started a year ago when she asked me to go bridesmaids dress shopping with her. I was happy to make the trip to her state (we live about half a day’s drive apart), to stay overnight, to try on and buy whatever she wanted — it ended up that I made three separate trips to where she lives because she couldn’t settle on what she wanted because she thinks I’m too fat to look good in anything :/ (which may be true, and as much as it hurts to hear that, she’s the bride, whatevs. We used to be best friends. I’d wear a sack for her.) But during that trip, and over the next couple of months, she started taking as many opportunities as she could to take jabs at some of the economic differences between us.
She works HARD at a stressful job to earn what she earns, and her fiance does, too — I don’t begrudge her the upper-middle-class life she has. My own fiance and I struggle daily to make ends meet. We’re really pretty happy, but trying to save for our own wedding has been extremely rough – neither of us can expect much of a financial contribution from our families, so we’re just trying to have the best wedding we can within our means. I’ll definitely admit that I am jealous of all the money she has to spend on her own wedding — but I think I could get over that if she didn’t blame me and my fiance and belittle us for our financial situation. She’s told me repeatedly that I should get another job, doesn’t understand why we can’t afford to move out on our own, told me that my wedding is going to be trashy because we’ll be spending less than $6K on it, and has told me that my DIY wedding elements look tacky (I don’t really care if anyone thinks that because their opinion of my wedding won’t make me enjoy it any less… but it hurt to be told that by a friend).
My own frustration with being belittled every time we talk has made me pretty hard to get in touch with. I make sure to respond every time she does want or need to talk, but it’s killed a lot of the friendship we had. I don’t understand why she started acting that way suddenly a year ago, and every time I’ve tried to reach out, she just keeps doing it. I’ve been telling myself this whole time that I just need to suck it up and ignore it when she hurts my feelings because she’s the bride and she’s under a lot of stress. I just know that it’s going to be REALLY hard this week because she’ll be at the height of her stress and she’s already told me that I have to go buy a dress to go out clubbing in (because none of my own clothes are good enough?) and I know that if I tell her I’d love to but can’t afford to, she’ll get angry with me.
I’ve been holding all this in for so long, and there’s NO way to tell her without upsetting her, so I’m trying to remember the friendship we used to have and just grin and bear it. I can’t get emotional, I can’t show her how insulted I feel when she makes comments about much better her lifestyle is or how sorry-ass ours is, I can’t act “low-class” in front of all of her “high-class” family and friends. It’s just so hard when you’ve got all these insults that have been building up and I’ve spent more money on HER wedding than on my own already.
I know I’m being a huge asshole. I would hate it (and hate myself) if one of my own bridesmaids (including this same friend) felt this way. It’s made me so self-conscious about what I ask my bms to spend, how I treat them, making sure to thank them so much for all they’re doing and doing everything I can to take care of them because I’m just glad that they’ll be with us when we’re getting married. And I want to be the best MoH I can be this weekend — I’m trying as hard as I can to think positively and expect that my friend will have better things to talk about than me and to try to skate under her classy-things radar as much as possible. I’m just worried that if she starts in on me, I’ll lose my grip on myself.
Anybody else ever been in a similar situation? I need a verbal smack upside the head… please help me talk some sense into myself so I can get over my personal pity party, step up, and be the MoH she needs me to be.