(Closed) VENT: hubby sold me out!

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’d  be upset and annoyed if Fiance did this.  I’d been equally pissed off that he went to another woman outside our marriage to discuss the problems.  Maybe you two should go for some counseling so he can learn the proper way to discuss marital problems.

Post # 4
Member
764 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m not saying this to be rude… but you’re kinda doing the very thing you’re mad at him about, no?

Post # 5
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I would sit down and have a talk with him. Discuss again that you don’t want your problems told to friends or family, because you don’t want gossip to start and possibly make things worse. If he really needs to talk to someone, then suggest a counselor, to help you both solve your problems

Post # 6
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Maybe its the choice of person he went to? Because of this person’s history and because its a she?

I do think people need to have a sounding board, but a trusted sounding board, about problems in their life and including in their marriages. I think its unreasonable for someone to handle their stresses and problems by themselves while trying to work them out.

Is there someone you would feel better about him going to that he would want to go to? But at the end of the day, one person I do think is OK to share his feelings and sort them out. Too many and that is not OK.

Post # 7
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@SFreeman2187: There is a diffence between venting on an annonymous board and going to a friend that both of you know.

Post # 8
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree that he should not air dirty laundry.  Maybe a mutual friend is not the best choice, but sometimes people need someone to talk to outside of the relationship, to bounce things off of.  I’d be ticked too if I were you.  But, maybe consider a compromise that each of you could have a good friend to talk to but not a mutual friend, because that puts the other person in an uncomfortable position.  If your town is so small that this is not possible, then maybe talking to a professional might be an option (though expensive) but the professional would have ethics rules to follow and town gossip shouldn’t occur.  

Post # 9
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

@penguinsaremyfriends: I agree there is a difference, but I do think some people would be more mad about going to an anonymous forum because then they wouldnt “hear both sides of the story” and give biased advice. And its a public forum for “anyone to find” if they new her screen name or recognized details she has shared in other posts etc.

So is it worse? maybe, maybe not. But the point is people need to speak to other people about problems.

So the problem is not so much that he went to someone for support, but his choice of person.

Post # 10
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t know how you feel about the person’s gender, but could it be that you are extra sensitive about this because he told this to a female friend? I know I would be.

I agree with you that you must be careful about what you share with the rest of the world about disagreements in your relationship. Many things should just stay between you and Darling Husband. However, sometimes you both will need someone to talk to who can give you some perspective on things. I think if it’s the right person (i.e. you know your spouse would not be uncomfortable with you telling this person that information), it can be really helpful to be able to get that outside perspective. But you must choose your confidants carefully.

Post # 11
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

This not good at all, especially since you have told him that is completely inappropriate behavior. It’s seriously undermining your relationship, so you are right to be totally pissed. And worried. He should be able to talk to you but if he must vent, then he should find a counselor or a pastor. But it will ruin your marriage if he keeps blabbing to your friends and family.

Post # 12
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@lefeymw: Ha, apparently I should have just typed “ditto” to your post! 🙂

Post # 13
Member
764 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree – mostly anonymous board. I say mostly because, afterall, it’s the internet.

I just know that I would be pretty offended if I saw that my husband was discussing our issues online. I mean, I’ve even seen a text message that barely said anything but it offended me a little.

Reality is, we should speak with our husbands about our problems. Sometimes they don’t even know what makes us mad.

And if you need someone else, try counseling, the church, or someone really close that both of you agree on as a good, honest, trusting person.

Post # 14
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@lefeymw: I completely agree that we all need someone to vent to.

 I think going to a friend who has not been suportive of their relationship in the past wasn’t a great idea.

Post # 15
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Im sorry!! I would be annoyed as well. I feel the same way as you. Everyone has their issues and gets into arguments, but you dont need to let everyone in your circle know what is going on. What goes on behind closed doors is your business. I think it would bother me even more that he went to talk to a female about it. Thats just me though I am weird about things like that. Oh well. I think you guys should sit down and have a completely open talk. If you feel that your issues dont get worked out or whatever then sit down with someone else. Im sorry you are going through this. Maybe sit down the the pastor that married you for some post marital counciling.

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