- 7 years ago
So I post regularly under a different name but for the purposes of this post, I’d rather not do that. One, because I’m ashamed (as in the username). Two, because I don’t want this to be associated with my regular username or have any connection so that I’m a lot more anonymous. It’s just something that has permeated my life more and more as time goes on. I have a general support system for it but I need to write it out to vent it. Also, I’m sorry this is so depressing on a Monday morning. Okay, ready?
My mother is an alcoholic. And a smoker with depression but an alcoholic mostly.
I don’t know when this started because honestly, I didn’t even realize it until high school. And it’s been getting worse lately. The alcohol in now way helps the depression and she even now is appearing borderline to me and my brother. It is so hard to know that every day after 6pm, your mom is going to be a highly, unpleasant, paranoid person. Everyday I can tell by calls, emails, texts, etc that she’s had some wine. They go from being generally upbeat to accusing me of different things. She says I take her money (I’ve offered to make the wedding smaller so she didn’t have to pay and she refuses that, I decline when she offers to get us stuff, and she still does – plus, she does make money so that’s not the issue). I also love my FI’s family more in her mind (I don’t and we share time at each place but in her mind, their time is longer and better). This takes a very heavy toll on me on the days that I get the brunt of it. It’s incredibly hard to deal with and trying to ignore it to have a quiet day only makes it worse because now I’m ignoring her because she’s done something wrong according to her. She also goes on tangents once a week about why was she a bad mother, what did she do wrong, why do I hate her, etc.
Another bad point with this is that I worry. I worry a lot when I haven’t heard from her all day (I know, contradiction). But we have heart disease in my family plus as I said, she smokes, drinks heavily, and has severe depression/stress. So I don’t know what I think will happen but I guess usually I worry that her liver failed and nobody was around (she lives alone due to me having moved for school and my brother moving out because he’s older). I also worry about a heart attack or honestly, her setting the house on fire with a cigarette because she was tipsy. I worry about these things a lot and that adds to the toll.
I know counseling and quitting are the best things. But she won’t go to counseling and she won’t quit. I don’t know how many times she’s had pills for the depression or had pills to quit smoking. I’ve suggested counseling to her multiple times, my brother suggested it multiple times, my dad left mainly because the alcohol changed her, we’ve even gotten her friends to try. It’s at the point where we don’t know what to do because she actually just gets angry that we think she needs counseling even though she admits she does (but won’t go).
This is mainly to vent and because I feel sometimes like I need to get that out in a forum that I post regularly in but I don’t actually want it associated with my posts. Also, if anyone has been through this and has any ideas on what to do, we’re open to it. It’s just getting to be a bit much to deal with everyday and the worry affects me all the time (will she make it to the wedding, will she see me have kids, will she be around for much longer).