(Closed) VENT – I have a hard time dealing with this

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

its a call for help from her…..it will only get worse if you dont address it now. 

does Fiance know everything? I think you should address it before the wedding- man what if she got to drunk and it was a disaster?? or when you have children…

its shitty, my brother is an alcoholic too…he even got so drunk he didnt come to my wedding bc he missed his flight and of course didnt have enough money to buy a new ticket. 

We tried getting him help but he relapses each time…its worth a try. Good luck and im sorry you have to deal with this. 

 

Post # 4
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

You do not have to make her problems your problems; if you’ve tried to help and she resists, all you can really do is take care of yourself, enjoy her good days, and hope for the best. I sent you a PM with a lengthier response…take care of yourself!

Post # 5
Member
3671 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I agree with MrsGrape.  You need to try to enjoy the good times when there are some and maybe keep trying when she’s in a good mood.  

Post # 6
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Alcoholism is a disease, and people will not get treatment until *they* themselves realize they have a problem AND want to make a change. You cannot convince an alcoholic to seek help until they are ready to do so, which can be incredibly hard, painful and frustrating for family and friends.

I would suggest joining your local Al-Anon group. It is a support group for the family/friends/partners of those suffering from alcoholism. If you cannot easily find one in your area, look for a local AA meeting, and call them, or go to the meeting and ask about support resources for family members. Members of AA will be more than happy to point out in the right direction to resources (your mother doesn’t need to be a member of AA for you to get help).

You may also want to call local recovery centers (whether privately run, or through a hospital), and ask about programs and support groups, so that if your mom becomes ready to get sober, she can do so in a safe and controlled environment. Detoxing from alcohol abuse can be extremely dangerous health-wise, and a recovery center will have the resources to monitor her withdrawals and make sure she is safe.

My parents have both dealt with alcoholic parents, and found Al-Anon to be extremely helpful and supportive, here is a link: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Good luck, you don’t have to go through this alone.

Post # 7
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Ugh.  That totally and utterly sucks.  My dad was a heavy drinker all through my high school and college years and got furious whenever we suggested he might be an alcoholic.  Even though he started drinking around mid-afternoon and then was a rambly mess by the evening.  Last February he quit drinking, which is I think when he realized he had a drinking problem.  Things have been much better since then – we are less resentful of him all the time, and he notices more things, like that my mom has health problems that she won’t own up to.  

Does your mom admit to having a problem?  We used to use my dad’s denial against him, by hiding alcohol and forcing him to admit he wanted/needed it.  I’m not sure whether this actually helped – eventually what happened was they went on vacation to a place where he couldn’t drink (long story) and then he realized that it was hard for him to go a day without drinking.  

My only concrete advice is to firstly, get some counseling for yourself – it is extremely hard to be the child of an alcoholic.  You need somebody to talk to – there are even support groups for the children of alcoholics, I think.  Definitely get the help that you need to deal with this, and face the reality that your mother may very well be an alcoholic for the rest of her life – and figure out how you can best deal with that.  

The other thing I would tell you is what I used to do – don’t talk to her after she’s started drinking.  Just don’t answer the phone, don’t call her, don’t have dinner together.  If she asks why, you can either choose to tell her the truth or you can just say, “I’m busy in the evenings.”  Don’t respond to her paranoid ramblings, and definitely don’t feed her insecurities by trying to reason with or reassure her.  

 

Post # 8
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m really sorry you are going through this. 

Could you contact your moms neighbors?  Maybe give them your cell phone number and get theirs.  Maybe that would help put your mind at ease if you needed to contact someone to go check on her.  Also if they saw something suspicious then they would have your number and could call you. 

 

Post # 9
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

My mom’s an alocholic as well.  Things came to a head last year and my dad got her into counseling (while somehow blaming my siblings and I for overwhelming her causing the condition- my parents have had out of control drinking habits since we were kids). She was sober for a year when my parents began socially drinking again- a few weeks ago my dad found an empty bottle in the basement and is now threatning to leave. Luckily, she’s back in treatment.

 It’s a really difficult situation, but keep peddling the counseling idea. In my opinion, alcoholism is caused by depression. I notice my mom falls off the wagon when things make her sad (i.e. I moved out of state and my siblings moved out of the house). All you can do is love and support her- some therapists recommend emotionally distancing yourself, but that’s really difficult to do because she’s your mother (I couldn’t do it). I second not talking to her when she’s is drunk. WHen my mother was/is drunk I avoid her.

  I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙁

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