(Closed) VENT. Invitation nightmare and FI is being a jerk about it, IMO.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

Well, it would seem to me that his other guests can’t be that important to him if he cant be bothered to get you a list. So I would, calmly, tell him “I need a list of what friends you want by XX day, if you want to invite someone after that and haven’t given me the list you are responsible for inviting them”. It is his wedding too, there is no reason he can’t contribute, especially on something you don’t have any idea about! 

Post # 4
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Don’t stress about it. At the end of the day, the only one who will be hurt by his friends not being there is him. You’ve done pretty much all you can do, so just tell him that you’re done chasing him down and if he wants his friends invited then he needs to what you asked.

Post # 5
1081 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think at this point I would hand this task off to him. If he doesn’t appreciate what you are trying to do for him, stop doing it.


Post # 7
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

That would make me go coo-coo! 

Do you even know why he is acting like this? Is he working a lot so he doesn’t want to be bothered? It is something more personal? 

If I was in your situation I couldn’t help but ask my Fiance, “Do you even want to get married?” 

Maybe you could do all the invites yourself and cut him out and give him something else to do instead? 

I would suggest sitting down and talking with him, it does not have to get argumentative, but just ask him what is going through his mind right now and why he is dragging his feet and tell him he is hurting your feelings. Communication can go a long way! 

Post # 9
511 posts
Busy bee

@Leemarie:  Poor you! I guess what you’re saying is that he didn’t learn from the last time?  My guess is that he won’t learn anything until you stop fixing his messes for him.

We all do it, so I’m not being judgmental….honestly. Case in point – I just took the top of a pudding cup for my 22 year old son because I watched him struggle with it.  What I managed to do was a) get the damn thing open for him, and b) communicate that I didn’t think he was capable of doing it himself.  So the end result is this… next time he may not even attempt it himself.

I get that it’s your wedding too and that it’s probably the path of least resistance, but if he can’t get his act together again, it can’t be that important to him. I’d suggest treating him like the grown up that he is and let it go.  You’ve done enough. It’s up to him and if it doesn’t get done, he has no-one to blame but himself.

Post # 10
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m a stay at home girl too, so I do most of the wedding work myself since he works crazy hours. I only get to see him on the weekends so when we do finally see each other we’ll set out an hour or two timeline for the day and talk about wedding planning and ask for his help for those hours. Maybe he needs some structure to this wedding planning? Even though it seems like you are giving him guidelines to follow already…..Hm…..What bothers me about this is there doesn’t really seem to be a motive for why he is acting this way…

Post # 13
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Leemarie:  He can get those invites out his own self. If he’s going to be shitty and not appreciate the time and attention you’re sacrificing to invite HIS friends and coworkers, I’d just stop doing him the favor.

 Don’t keep positively reinforcing his bad attitude with the message that you will just take it, and his problem will be handled by you. Nope. Life doesn’t work that way.

Post # 14
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’ve got a serious no-drama/not my problem attitude.  I’d say “This is what I need if these people are important enough to invite.”  Full stop, period, end of story… no stress, not my problem anymore.  He’s old enough to get married he’s old enough for simple tasks for people he wants to come.  He gets the invites/makes the list/etc… I’ll send them, if not, if it doesn’t matter to him, doesn’t matter to me, no stress.  That would be me in your situation.  As posters previously said, if he can’t be bothered, it can’t be that important.  Don’t stress over his guest list if he can’t be bothered with it.

But that’s me :).  For example: FI’s step mom (closer than real mom) said “these people want to come” (her family, he knows them, and there are no space/money related issues with them coming, and we’re not doing mail invites).  She had me write down names and numbers.  Fi, Future Father-In-Law, Fstepmom and I were all in the same room and I had paper/pen handy.  She tells me “You need to call these people soon”.  I said “Nope, that’s on him.”.  (She looked at me funny, then at him… but she’s used to us being “weird, and such a great match” in her words. lol)  I don’t know these people, am not even remotedly related, I barely talk to people I know/like/am related to on the phone… not my problem.  I reminded him once.  He called them.

Post # 15
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Don’t even bother. If he doesn’t care enough, neither should you. It’s too bad not many of his friends will be present on your wedding day. Oh well! With it being 2 weeks away, those people who haven’t been invited have probably realized that they won’t be invited. It’s too close to the big day. His friends will probably not RSVP until the day before…

Post # 16
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I have a low tolerance for this kind of Bs. I think you are making a mistake by trying to clean up the mess he created, he doesn’t appreciate it, and not only that he seems annoyed with you, and of course it’s issue because you are “nagging” him about it.

I think you need to stop worrying about it, while it’s important he has the day he envision he also has to put in some work to make it happen. It’s not fair for him to put the burden solely on your shoulders. I would tell him that he is in charge in making sure his guest get invites. Then let it go, don’t ask him about it, and don’t worry about it. If people he wants there don’t get invites he has no one to blame for himself.

I also think it’s important because it’s setting up the tone for when you guys get married. While it’s nice to do thing for your partner if they are too busy or just to be nice, he also needs to know that he has to handle his responsbilities and you aren’t going to be there to take everything on for him. I seen this dynamic play out in real life couples, and it makes every one annoyed. You get push into the mother,nagging role, and he into the naughty irresposible child. Then it causes resentment on both sides because you don’t get the acknowledgement that you deserve, and he then views you as being nagging and controlling.

He is a big boy and can deal the consequences of his choices, and it’s important for him to know that  you aren’t going to be there to do pesky task because he is too lazy to do it himself. Next time you feel the urge to work on his guestlist again, go find something else that really needs to be done for the wedding.

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