(Closed) Vent: Is this normal? TMI sex life question

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

chickspartan:  Well, it sounds like you’ve correctly deduced that he’s just a vanilla kind of guy. And that’s okay. But he needs to recognize that you like things a little spicier and that’s okay too. Neither is wrong or right. But since you’re different, you both have to make a concerted effort to make things work.

What happens when you try to initiate? Or are you just so fed up, at this point, that you never initiate?

I woudl try to talk this out when you guys arne’t in a sexual situation. Like on a car ride, or something. Tell him what you need from him, in specific terms. Don’t say “romance me” because he probably doens’t really know what that means. Say “Rub my shoulders and then kiss along my neck and down my back, then go down on me.” Guys do better with specifics. Talk about some things you would like to do and see if you can get him on board. 

And maybe try alternating sex. Let him have easy, straight-forward sex one night. Then the next night, you get to do some role play. But he really needs to make an effort to be into it on “your” nights. Let him know that it’s really upsetting and a trun-off when he is whiney or skeptical. By the same token, you need to figure out how to work with him on “his” nights. Maybe try some porn, before bed, to get yourself in the mood so you’re more receptive when he’s interested?

Ultimately, I don’t think this, necessarily, has to be a deal-breaker. But I can definitely understand why you want it to improve. You both need to be, at least, content with your sex life, preferably pleased with it!

ETA: I almost forgot one of the most important things! Positive feedback. When he does something you like – gush over it! Moan! Tell him you love it! Tell him you love him! Lots of praise. 

Post # 3
Member
1440 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

chickspartan:  One thing that drastically changed our relationship was listening to Dan Savage podcasts. Maybe if he starts to hear that tons of other people consider sex outside of vanilla to be completely normal, he will have an easier time expressing himself. 

Post # 6
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Theres this awesome online quiz with all sorts of sex stuff, from tame to the most nastiest of nasty sexy time stuff. You fill it out, answering “yes” “if my partner wants to, I’ll try” or “no”  then your partner fills it out. Then, it only shows what yes or maybes you guys had in common. So if one says yes, and the other says no, it won’t even show up. 

I really think you may be surprised. My Fiance and I were in such a sexual rut! I thought I knew what he liked and what was too different or risky for him. Boy was I wrong. And yes, we talk about sex a lot. There’s just something I think in human nature that makes us so much more comfortable in knowing sexy stuff we want to try will only be shared if our partner for sure feels the same way. 

The test/website was called like sex mojo I think. I’m not able to look for it right this second, but if you’re interested and can’t find it let me know, and I’ll look for it later today when i have time

Post # 9
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

chickspartan:  I don’t want to sound harsh, but you’re being unfair to him.  I, too, am completely “vanilla,” and I would hate to have my husband pushing me to be “adventurous” in a way that was uncomfortable to me.  You’re in a sucky situation, but it sounds like you two are not sexually compatible.  

Is that a deal breaker for you?  For me it would be, but to each his own.  Maybe you can meet half way, but maybe you can’t.  Even if he attempts to please you, he’ll still always be naturally drawn to vanilla sex and you’ll naturally be drawn to kinky sex and experimentation.  You need to decide if you can live with a vanilla guy.  Expecting major changes is both unfair and unlikely.

Post # 10
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

chickspartan:  3? Aw I’m sorry, I was really hoping it would be as simple as him needing a way to admit things in a safe way..3? That’s a pretty extensive list with a good number of “mild” stuff, if I remember correctly. I’m understanding your point of view to another level now. I’m sorry I’m pretty useless in that I have no other ideas..

Do you go on reddit? r/sex may give you access to a much larger population of users that may have lots advice. Best of luck! I hope you find some solutions that allow you and your partner to both be satisfied with your sex life.

Post # 11
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

scarlettbegonias87:  that’s kinda the problem.  Most of us vanilla people are well aware that people experiment, but it doesn’t appeal to me at all. My one friend wore a dildo and had her SO suck on it.  To say that that would turn me off is an understatement.  My ex tried to get me to role play, but I found it too laughable to get wet.  It’s not about knowledge unless you’re a teen, it’s about differing sexuality:(

I’m surprised none of this came up while the OP was dating her husband.  If the she pushes some of this stuff on her husband, it could lead down a bad path…

Post # 13
Member
8957 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

chickspartan:  “I feel like this is the most rudimentary and basic form of sexuality.” — This sounds kind of judgemental. Why do you like the sexy scenarios, toys, etc? Because it feels good and gets you excited, right? So his turn-ons get him off and your turn-ons get you off — why is one “rudimentary and basic” and the other is … what, cerebral? They’re just different. I’m not sure what my advice would be. Sex is important in a marriage…. Hope you find something that works! Maybe do a hell of a lot of those 3 things!

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  Daisy_Mae.
Post # 14
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think you need to introduce more of a spirit of play into the bedroom. You say that having a “spicy” night would be sad because you’d feel he’s doing it out of obligation, but in reality your partner trying something new because he loves you & wants to turn you on could be INCREDIBLY hot. I think you need to dedicate one night a week to exploring your sexuality together. Go into it with an open mind and a spirit of adventure. Some things you try will be ridiculous, some will be fun, some will be bad for both of you, and some might be amazing. The only way to grow sexually together is to put the time & effort in and build a common language together. Accept that you’re going to have some uncomfortable experiences but that’s ok. Make sure that you both feel safe & cared for, of course, but beyond that try out some new things together!  

Post # 15
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

chickspartan:  I can see why you’re frustrated. I’m also bisexual and with a straight guy. He’s not quite as vanilla as your guy but definitely moreso than I am. 

We have expanded our horizons and now I’m very happy. The only area where I have really compromised is that we don’t have sex as often as I would like. However, to be fair, I have an insane sex drive. Like, I would enjoy having sex maybe twice a day. Haha, he’s much milder and fine with it being once or twice a week. I can compromise on this because the variety has been “upped”. 

It sounds like in the moment he just gets so turned on that he wants to go right to penetration. Talking about it out of context may make him feel threatened in a , “aren’t I doing enough?!” kind of way.  

What about building the tension in a circumstance where he CAN’T just go straight to penetration? Like maybe send him a text in the morning, “thinking about sex…can’t wait until I see you tonight”. Then keep upping it as he responds, maybe referencing, “I can’t wait for you to touch/do/whatever X”. Or, “imagine me wearing X, I want you to rip/slide/take it off me”. 

This tension might help you get the mental foreplay you want, and it might also “give him ideas” without feeling like you’re telling him what to do? 

The topic ‘Vent: Is this normal? TMI sex life question’ is closed to new replies.

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