Post # 1
Three months left to my big day. The experience of wedding planning wasn’t too bad, but I found myself constantly seeking ppl’s approval and it’s really exhausting.
1. Went to fiance’s uncle’s house last weekend for a family BBQ party. The uncle is rich and has 3 married daugthers; the youngest one just had a big wedding (300 guests) last year. When we were chatting (me, fiance, SIL, uncle), the uncles started asking how much my wedding catering will cost per guest, and started talking about how wedding is a waste of money and how he persuaded his daughters to save the money for honeymoon, and his youngest daughter had a big wedding only because the groom’s parents wanted a wedding. Maybe he meant well or was just merely chatting, but I found this topic uncomfortable and felt criticized.
2. I was very very excited to finally received my wedding band in the mail yesterday (I ordered mine first becauze fiance had no time to pick his). I showed it to my SIL (who also showed me her ring when she bought hers), she said “Oh, it’s OK. How much was it?”. I told her it’s $1230 and she said it’s too expensive because hers was only $290 with 10 small diamonds, but mine has none (just floral carved, as shown in pic below). She then went on asking where his brother’s ring (my fiance) is. My fiance responded that he saw a few on the website I ordered my ring, but he the rings are all too expensive especially for a male plain wedding band ($450), so he’s going to shop around. Then they started talking cheerfully about the prices of wedding bands are unreasonable as if I wasn’t sitting next to them. I felt criticized and hurt. Btw, I didn’t buy engagement ring. SIL has an engagement ring that’s $3000 with a diamond. She bought all of her rings using her in-law’s money. I bought mine with MY money. So I felt really hurt when fiance didn’t defend me when SIL said I spend too much on wedding band.
I kept telling myself that I don’t have to care about what other ppl think of my wedding. It’s once in a life time (hopefully) so I have the right to have a wedding to celebrate. But what fiance’s family said about weddings and wedding bands really hurt me. I feel I need ppl’s approval to be happy. Why can’t I just trust myself and be happy!!? I also felt my fiance isn’t giving me any support when I felt criticized, and I started to doubt if, as my future husband, will he protect me when I’m hurt?? Maybe are not right for each other.
Post # 2
idealgas: It sounds like this is more than just your FSIL criticizing your ring choice, but rather your need for other peoples’ approval and the feeling of abandonment/lack of protection from your FI. Have you tried some individual or couples counseling? I think that maybe talking to someone about why you feel insecure may help you work through this. Another thing is, DON’T discuss finances with people. Unless they’re paying or offering to pay for things, it’s really none of their business and will usually only bring stress and heartache to the conversation. That being said, I think your band is really beautiful. Try and focus on the positives and shake off those negative comments. Best of luck.
Post # 3
idealgas: Ok first, try to calm down. People will always have opinions, whether it be about things big or small! TRY to remind yourself that they are just opinions, and you will not change how people choose to address things (whether it be in a kind or rude manner), but rather, your reactions to those things! “Weddings are a waste a money!” – “Thank you for your opinion, but our wedding is worth every penny to US”. “Your wedding band was TOO expensive!” – “Thank you for sharing your opinion, and alternatives, but we love the wedding band we chose, and can afford to spend the money!”.
One sure fire way to STOP people from telling you better ways to spend your money is to stop sharing how much you spend…especially when it comes to weddings. Because guess what?! People can always do it ‘cheaper’ and ‘better’, but that does not mean those alternatives were right for YOU and your FI. If asked, just tell them you prefer to not share, or that you spent within your budget, and leave it alone. Seriously, it may save you some headaches.
I think ‘seeking approval’ is part of human nature, but learning to gain a thicker skin is something we can all learn. Opinions are hard to digest sometimes, but they will not stop. Can you imagine if/when you have children?! Opinions are EVERYWHERE in that category. Brushing it off, or trusting in your decisions will hopefully keep you unstressed.
Finally, if you truly think your future husband will not protect you when you are hurt is not something I can answer, or help you on. You need to do some soul searching if this is your belief. HOWEVER, I for one can tell you that I have the most amazing, supportive, protective husband I could ask for, but that same guy could really give two sh*ts about the wedding planning, or could have cared less when people shared their opinions – even when it left me ‘hurt’ (which was never really a hurt, but more an emotional response to a stressful time!). His response was ‘who cares!’ He found it to be wasted emotion, and honestly, looking back…it kinda was!
Post # 4
Have you told your FI that you felt hurt by what he said about the rings? That would be step one. He may not have been thinking ahead when he said that, it’s a completely normal and human thing to do. The real mark of whether he is right for you is what happens after he learns that something he said/did hurt somebody he loves, and what he does to correct that in the future. Communication is the first step, though.
Probably every single poster here has a story about how their family hasn’t approved of some detail or supported a wedding decision. Try not to share a lot of wedding details with your IL’s if you are concerned about their approval. It does not matter if they have shared those same details with you in the past, this is your wedding and you can share as much or as little as you want. It’s hard to get a negative reaction from them if you give them nothing to react to.
Also, I really love your wedding band choice! I think the floral setting is really pretty and unique.
Post # 5
idealgas: if you find the need for others’ approval exhausting, then stop seeking it and own your choices. It’s ok for other people to have different opinions and values – just because it’s a waste of money to them doesn’t have to mean that it’s a waste of money to you.
Have you talked with FI about how you feel? If you don’t let him know, how can you expect him to be supportive? No one is a mind reader. If he’s still unsupportive after you share your feelings then there may be a problem.
Post # 6
Stop discussing how much things cost with ANYONE unless they are paying for it. That’s mistake #1. I would then think why you need to feel other’s approval for your choices. I would also discuss with your FI his family’s hurtful and unsolicited comments.
Post # 7
I think the convo with the uncle is pretty innocent. Talk to just about any guy out there and many will probably say the wedding is a waste of money. Heck, my own husband has said that.
I don’t see anything to be insulted with about SIL either. Who cares if her ring was only $290, was she the one paying for your wedding band? Next time just don’t tell her. Your money, your choice. People place value on different things. Honestly, I wouldn’t have bought that ring for $1200, since I don’t place value on intricate details that ring has, but that doesn’t mean I’d critisize someone else for buying it. But yes, to me, $1200 is too much, maybe that’s just what she meant. Maybe she just poorly stated how it’s not a ring for her, and it came off as insulting.
Your FI could have thought it’s too much too, but still thinks you should have it. My husband says my e-ring cost way too much, and hes the one that bought it! So if someone else said it was way too much, he’s not doing to defend me, cause he agrees! She didn’t insult YOU, she just made a comment on the ring.
Post # 8
Stop sharing all the $$ info with everyone! And thicken up your skin. This is YOUR wedding, its about you and your guy, who give a flying f*ck what Uncle Joe thinks. He can do whatever he wants when its his party.
You need to practice the smile and nod. And when people ask questions about money, answer coyly “just enough” or “a good amount” or “its in the budget” whatever.
Post # 9
You and your FH are the ONLY ones who need to know about any financial details! When family asks, tell them, “We got a good deal on (whatever item)From now on, FH and I will be keeping our finances to ourselves.”
Definitely talk to your FH about his comments on your ring. Maybe he was just trying to not make his cousin feel bad about her cheap ring? But, he absolutely has a responsibility to YOU now, and should always come to your defense. He needs to put you ahead of his cousin’s feelings.
Forgot to add- your ring is gorgeous. Absolutely worth every penny! If anyone else has crap to say about the price, respond with,”it’s ok, I’m worth it!”
Post # 10
housebee: OUgal0004: bleusteel: bitsybee: gelaine22: Thank you all. I couldn’t control my emotion last night so I told FI that I think we should cancel the wedding. FI was shocked for 3 minutes and asked “what did I say that hurt you?”. But since I refused to give detail, he then resumed to his usual self. I know what I said was very immature, but there were many other small things that happened between FSIL and I before that made me feel hurt and abandoned by FI, and they add up to be a big deal. Snow ball effect? I’m going to explain to him why I said what I said last night, and see how he reacts…..
Thank you all again! Really gald to hear your thoughts/advices!
Post # 11
If you didn’t share how much you spent on stuff you wouldn’t be having this issue. It honestly doesn’t even sound like they were trying to insult you- they were just giving an opinion.
ETA: you told your FI you wanted to cancel the wedding over this?! You are way too emotional. Stop sharing costs and taking other people’s opinions so seriously.
Post # 12
Okay. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that the wedding stress is getting to you. I think you overreacted about wanting to cancel the wedding… He didn’t defend you one time and you’re ready to call it off? I think the stress is getting to you and you should probably explain to your FI.
I agree with PP, don’t share money info! If someone asks how much something is, tell them to mind their own business. “I’m sorry but I’d rather not share that information.” Or you can be subtle: How much does the catering cost? “The price isn’t too bad actually, I’ve heard some places charge an arm and a leg!” if they ask again, explain you’d rather not say, or that you’d have to check because you don’t remember – but remember it being reasonable.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2014 - Stevens Estate
idealgas: I just wanna say I really like your ring. I actually was looking for a wedding band like that but couldn’t find one I liked so I went with something different. Don’t let other people get you down. My family can be like that too, like them all saying “why would you spend so much on a ring?”… But ya know what…i don’t care. Cause I liked it…that’s why. And it’s our money. Just keep reminding yourself that. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Just let it roll off your back.
Oh and as far as your FI..just be open with him if something is bothering you. Something you might take personally insulting..he could see as not a big deal. Just be open with each other to avoid confusion and avoidable fights.
Post # 14
idealgas: If you are going to cancel the wedding because your feelings are hurt, I suggest you need counselling before committing to marriage with anyone.
Post # 15
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
I love your ring. I think it’s gorgeous. And that is really not much money at all for a wedding band. I spent $5K on my band alone, and an additional $1500 on my husband’s. Your SIL needs to butt out.
As for feeling picked on, just talk to your FI about it. Tell him you need to feel his support. You’re going to be a family. You should be a united front. You can’t expect him to know instinctively what you need. You have to tell him. Marriage is about open and honest communication.
I’m honestly surprised to hear you say that you’d even consider throwing in the towel over something so small. Are YOU ready to get married and commit yourself to one person for life? Are you willing to put whatever it takes into your marriage to make it last? Maybe consider premarital counseling before tying the knot. I get the impression from your post that you may be young and immature (no offense). Do some soul searching and learn what marriage is really about.