Post # 47
@Fiberoptic: I can’t offer any advice but I want to give you an *e-hug*! Some ladies are being unnecessarily harsh, IMO. I’m sure you are coming from a place of hurt and frustration and don’t need to be put down right now. I know you don’t mean to offend anyone. Don’t let it get you down, we’re just people with opinions who don’t know you.
Post # 48
Have nothing much to add – I think some people have been a bit harsh to you. But I think perhaps you need to look at counselling for yourself and for him. It seems like he has his issues with marriage but those issues shouldnt put you in an awkward spot of not having your dreams met.
Post # 49
@Fiberoptic: I’m sorry, but it seems to me that he does want to be married and have kids, but maybe just not with you. I hope I’m wrong, but from reading your posts that’s the impression I get. Now is the time for you to decide if you want to stick around and stay miserable wondering “what if”. Or take a plunge into the unknown and actively take charge of your future and happiness instead of leaving it in someone else’s hands.
Post # 50
I also agree with a lot of PPs. I don’t know you, don’t know your background and don’t know your BF. All I know is that you are hurting, and it sucks. But the good news is that it doesn’t have to be like this! I totally agree that it starts with YOU. I firmly believe that before a relationship can truly work as it was meant to, each person must accept themselves for who they are, even their flaws. Only then can you accept the other person just as they are.
I think Mr. Bee’s Plan would be a good thing for you to read, if you haven’t already. The more you focus on your own happiness and peace, the better off your relationship will be at this point. Some sort of counseling might be beneficial if you feel like this is too overwhelming to battle on your own.
Age is something our society has put too much emphasis on. I understand how much you want kids and biologically, age is important in that aspect. However, you can’t force life into your specific timeline and expect for everyone to come out happy on the other end, especially yourself.
All I can say is I’m sorry you’re in such a frustrating situation. But you can take control and realize you AREN’T stuck there. I realize that I don’t have the same experience as you but if I was in your shoes I’d be upset too. However, I don’t think it does much good to stay bitter, especially when there’s a solution. I truly hope that things improve for you, which I think they will!
Post # 51
@Fiberoptic: I haven’t posted here in ages, since the FormerBluesGuy broke up with me, but had to comment on your post… No, not everyone has someone who loves them. Some people are lucky enough to find a partner, and others aren’t. Some people are exceptionally good at making it through life on their own, and others aren’t.
I haven’t dated steadily since the breakup last July. I’ve hooked up with an ex, and went out with someone who was very much not my type, and have poked around OK Cupid and Match… and come to the conclusion that if I’m going to have to be the one making all of the compromises in my life, I’d rather be single!
It was really, really hard to see that right after the breakup, but I’ve realized during those past eight months or so that I’m not unhappy — I’ve just found other things that make me just as happy. I’d still love to get married and have a family some day, but only with someone who wants to work *with* me, and not against me, or to pull that whining nonsense about not being pressured. A partnership shouldn’t involve pressure, from either end.
What do *you* want, besides for him to propose? What are your future goals? What will make you happy?
You need to take a step back, and think about those. If he can’t or won’t provide them, and work with you toward them, you need to walk away. There is absolutely no sense in being miserable for a guy who isn’t worth it, and who won’t do the work to help you in your mutual goals and help make you happy.
Post # 52
Leave. Get out. Don’t wait another week, month, year for things to change. From your posts you are fed up as fed up can be and this will do nothing but harm your relationship and harm your ego.
You want marriage now, he does not. You want children now, he does not. He may be a lovely person and you may have a lovely relationship right now…..but it is not what you want and it is not making you happy. Isn’t the point to be with someone and be in something that makes you happy?!?!
Don’t waste another day in this limbo. You’ll feel so much better once you take action. Either you move on and find the man that has the same values and timing as you – or maybe your current man will have a change of heart. Both options seem so much better than where you are currently.
From your posts it sounds like you are one foot out the door and are just waiting for something “big” to happen to justify leaving (like him saying “no, I will not marry you”). You already have enough reasons to move on. If you continue to hang around maybe you’ll be 38 when you finally leave….or 40….or who knows how long.
Also, as an aside, women in their 40’s are NOT dried-up. Tell that to Salma Hayek, Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry…the list goes on and on (and I know plenty of real life normal folk that are just as vibrant and gorgeous in their 40’s!).
Post # 53
If you want marriage, ditch your current man and go find someone who wants marriage too! Don’t sacrifice your wants and needs because your current boyfriend doesn’t want those same things!
Post # 54
@MaggieF: It is a frequent theme.
You cannot force someone to want what you want. If he does not want marriage, then he does not want it. If he gets angry at the mention of it then either he SERIOUSLY does not want it or you are badgering him to death to the point where it is no longer appealing to him.
Stop hurting yourself like this. Stop making yourself feel unworthy, useless and sad. Not everyone follows this ridiculous societal timeline with all of its hidden pressure of married by 25, 2 kids before 30, lifelong wonderful fulfilling career by 35 or earlier, where everyday feels like play and not work. In the real world, major life events happen at different times for different people.
I would give him an internal timeline that you keep to yourself, and if he has not mentioned marriage or started planning a proposal on his own by then, then I personally would walk. It seems like you have given him a lot of time. You keep mentioning that you fear wasting time dating other people, but you certainly seem to be wasting a lot of time staying with him.