Post # 1
Hello bees. I have lurked here often but since I am not even “officially” waiting yet (because there is no plan to propose in the works and we are not “there” yet) I have never had a reason to post here until now. Some background: I am 26, my SO is 28. We have been together for almost 4 years and living together for almost 1. We both have good paying stable careers, our finances are good and we have no debt other than our mortgage. Our families both adore the other, and even refer to us as son or daughter in law. He is the love of my life and he says the same about me. He says he wants to spend his life with me and talks about the future and having children often. I know men are slow and think differently than women but I don’t know why he is dragging his feet so much. He says he wants to get married but proposing is a nerve wracking and a big step and he is building up to being ready since he knows I want a proposal. Our relationship is good, he is wonderful and gives me no reason to doubt him, and I don’t nag or start fights. Neither of us is unhappy.
That being said I do have time where this drives me a little crazy. All of my friends are either married or engaged and they didn’t have to wait so they don’t understand. My mom died when I was young and I don’t have any female relatives besides my cousin, who is a year older than me and I would feel weird talking to SO’s family about this because although we get along, I don’t want to seem like I am criticizing him. So I talked to my cousin and explained my frustration. Her response was not what I expected and was a little upsetting.
My cousin tells it like it is and doesn’t sugar coat things, which is why I talked to her. However she sided with my SO. She gently told me I was being a bit hypocritical and that I can’t have it both ways. She said it is 2015 and I can’t ask for a traditional proposal but then want to be in control of when it happens. According to her I can have it one of two ways: I can have a traditional proposal from him, where he gets to plan on his time and go talk to my dad while I wait passively, or I can take control, by myself a ring and then propose to him. But she says I can’t want the old-fashioned proposal where I get to set the timeline. She told me it drives her crazy that women say they are adults and it’s not fair they don’t get a say in deciding something so important, while at the same asking for a traditional proposal from him. She said if I want to be married I can take control and propose myself since we both want to be married and then I can buy myself a ring since I have a job and can afford it. Basically if I want him to propose, I have to sit back and wait like women did in the old days.
I won’t lie I was a little hurt by what she said. She did tell me gently even though she is normally very blunt so I know she was trying not to hurt my feelings. Her remarks are not coming from a place of bitterness because she is in a relationship. I’m thinking she just doesn’t understand because like me her mom died when she was young and she grew up around all boys/men and is in the army now and not really a girly-girl. But I feel like she is wrong and my feelings are perfectly acceptable. I don’t really have a question I just needed to vent in a place where people would understand.
Wow this is ended up being really long. Thank you for those who took the time to read it.
Post # 2
Your cousin is just some chick with an opinion. She’s not an engagement expert and there are no hard-and-fast rules about getting engaged.
It’s funny that she said you are hypocritical when “it’s 2015” could easily be followed by “so many couples agree on a marriage timeline while the man still retains some power over the proposal itself for tradition’s sake.”
You can absolutely ask to create a timeline of your future together and still let him propose.
Post # 3
Exactly. I tried to make this point with her when I brought it up and she responded by saying that my SO and I had talked, he gave me his answer about it and so now if I want a proposal from him I know what his timeline is. She also said that if women want to set the timeline they can propose, otherwise they need to leave the man alone and let him decide (ie – not having it both ways, because insisting on an agreed upon timeline and then saying I want you to give me an old fashioned proposal is hypocrtical).
I spoke with a good friend just now. She also agreed with my cousin. But then again her husband completely surpised her and she did not have to wait.
Post # 4
I kind of agree with the cousin, except she missed what was to me the obvious other alternative: skip the youtube-worthy proposal althogether and just decide together that you want to get married. That’s literally all it takes to be engaged. Ask him “do you want to get married?” and if he says yes, tell him “I do too, and that’s more important to me than a big theatrical proposal. Can we consider ourselves engaged and go pick out a ring next weekend?” Tada! Engaged. Waiting over. Next step = married. If a dramatic movie-style proposal is more important than moving on to wedding planning, then yes, you’ll have to either wait for him or do it yourself. I don’t really see any other alternatives.
Post # 5
- Wedding: December 2016 - Sacred Heart Catholic Church
I do not think it makes you a hypocrite. You can ask him for a rough timeline (I love you and an ready to take the next step. Can you give a rough estimate of when you will be ready? Do you think a year? Two?) and it would still be a surprise and old fashioned and all that stuff.
Post # 6
I think if you’ve asked him for a marriage/engagement timeline (ie when is he going to propose) you have essentially proposed to him already!. The waiting comes from waiting for him to agree to marriage and go the extra mile to propose back in a special way.
Its semantics. Agree with your cousin. Sorry, just being honest.
Post # 7
I think that if you’ve discussed getting married and decide that you want to get married, then you’re engaged. If you don’t choose to acknowledge that and you need to wait until you have had a “proper” proposal to consider yourself engaged that’s fine but you don’t really have any room to complain about waiting for one.
While I don’t necessarily think that the cousin needed to call OP a hypocrite, I don’t entirely disagree with her.
Post # 8
No matter the situation, it sucks to have your feelings invalidated. As far as what she said, I agree with KitSnicket. There are no laws about proposing. She’s straight up wrong that it has to be X or Y.
Post # 9
I agree with your cousin to an extent and poster daisy may. I think having a talk about getting married and wanting a proposal means to an extent that you are agreeing to wait for a proposal and that the actual proposal is mostly symbolic. Fiance and I talked about marriage a lot. Early on he said he knew he wanted to marry me but I told him I wasn’t ready (we were really young). He told me to just let him know when I was ready and we stayed boyfriend/girlfriend. I eventually told him I was ready and about a month later he proposed. I didn’t ask for timelines or anything like that. However, in my opinion guys who want to get married jump in after a discussion (or sometimes even without one).
I wouldn’t say I’m submissive exactly but I definitely let him drive (this works for us). If you tell someone they can drive and hand them the keys they’ll either rise to the occasion or not. I’m not saying you HAVE to hand over the keys. You can drive too or you can take turns driving. I’m just saying if you’re in the “handing over the keys” group you can’t try to maintain power and control by being a backseat driver. Well, you can, but I don’t think it works well.
Post # 10
Interesting opinion and point of view. I am officially waiting and it does seem a little silly since we have already picked out a ring together but what the cousin does not understand is the sentimental value of the proposal gesture. I get it!
So what if you are a hypocrite, you are in good company! There are so many things women do these days that are hypocritical when it comes to relationships and careers and children and marriage and clothing and…ect. The list goes on, but I have digressed.
It’s one of the few times most guys say or do something extra romantic. I am really looking forward to the proposal and I know he is too. If you have talked about it and he would like to surprise you I would not mention it for another year or two. Let him save up for a ring and surprise you.
Post # 11
I also feel that your cousin doesn’t appreciate the sentimate of a proposal. Some women want that tradtional proposal, some don’t. As for proposing to.a.guy, that could be awkaward as most guys don’t dream of being proposed to like a lot of women do. I know it sucks waiting for the proposal, but that’s all you can do. He needs time to psyche himself up about this. Don’t let your cousin rain on your parade, she can pop the question to someone if she wants.
Personally I waited for my tradtional proposal, and I still get flashes of that memory when looking at my ring or ring box and get really excited and happy. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for wanting that.
Post # 12
You are not a hypocrite. Your cousin may mean well but in this she doesn’t make much sense.
Post # 13
I think you may have missed the point: Her cousin said that she can wait for the traditional proposal on FI-to-be’s timeline or (if she has to have control over the timeline) she can go ahead and propose herself. The cousin is saying she can have one or the other but not both.
OP, I actually totally agree with your cousin but that doesnt mean I wasnt a writhing, impatient mess waiting for DH to pop the question! She gave a very rational answer and seems like a wonderful woman to have in your life – Im sure she was just trying to give you a solution to your problem (a very masculine approach) rather than just listening to you. Good luck bee, Im sure youll get there soon 🙂
Post # 14
There’s so much fallacy in your cousins reasoning I’m sorry.
Yes it’s 2015, I’m glad she knows the calendar year. The surprise proposal is actually not so true because at some point in a relationship, all have at least talked about a future. Surprise would be if my first date said, marry me. That is not expected, so it’s a surprise.
So in all truth, most people in relationships are not truly surprised by a proposal. They are sufficiently caught off guard by it, but never fully surprised. This is fallacy #1.
Talking in extremes like your cousin did may sound profound or mind blowing and awesome. But if you dissect it, her thoughts are limited in two extremes: “shut up and wait” or “be bold a propose”. That leaves so many woman who average in the middle. Life is not lived in the extreme, there are gray areas too. That’s fallacy #2.
Communication and mutual agreement should be the sign of engagement. Both should agree on it, instead of one asking and one agreeing. That’s the real expectations of those who love in 2015–partnership in equality.
Post # 15
Yeahhh, I agree with some PP’s. You can’t just propose to someone if they aren’t ready- I don’t understand why she said you could buy yourself a ring and propose. If he’s not ready it’s not going to go over well… Buying a ring doesnt make someone want to marry you? That is such a confusing theory to me. That said, don’t let “waiting” get you down. You have your whole life to be married so enjoy what you have now and he’ll Pop the question when he’s ready! Dating is great and you’ll never ever get to do it again 🙂