(Closed) (Vent) My cousin said I and women like us are hypocritical

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
8370 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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MrsFiveOh:  The OP makes it sound like he’s totally ready to be married, but is put off by the idea of proposing: “He says he wants to get married but proposing is a nerve wracking and a big step and he is building up to being ready since he knows I want a proposal.” So the cousin’s point is, if he wants to get married but is nervous about proposing, you have the option of taking that pressure off by proposing to him. OR you can wait for him to get over his fear of living up to (or failing to live up to) some proposal fantasy ideal.

Post # 17
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Cousin ain’t wrong. 

Post # 18
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

No way. Psh. I do understand her position, but at the same time some of us are dealing with some serious procrastinators. Once Fiance got the ring in his hand, he could barely wait to whip it out and romantically put it on my finger, but man oh man, did he drag his hairy man feet in getting that ring. He didn’t even have to buy it! We ended up receiving a beautiful ring from his mother that has been in their family for generations. He just kept PUTTING IT OFF. I seriously put my foot down and told him to get the damn thing or buy something else. I know some bees will say that if you have to do things like this he is not really ready, or he is deliberately putting it off, but that’s not alway s true. I wanted a romantic proposal (and got one), but sometimes you have to take the lead a little and push him along. Nothing hypocritical about that at all. It’s not a black-and-white issue, you know? You are cohabitating, so you’re obviously not HYPER tradiational (same with us, we have lived together and owned a house for 2 years). There are a million different kinds of relationships, you can be semi-traditional about your engagement if you want.

And I know you didn’t ask, but if you want my advice on SO, tell him exactly how you feel. Here is what I said to Fiance: you said we were getting engaged, but it has been a year. I just feel hurt that you are putting off this commitment. It’s not about having a ring or showing off to friends, it’s about us announcing to our friends and family that we are in this for the long haul. Even though I know this isn’t true, sometimes I feel like you are just keeping your options open instead of committing to me. You knew I wanted to get married, and if you don’t feel the same way, you should tell me now. On the other hand, if you do want to get married, please let’s get engaged, because I want to share that news with my family.
I probably had to say that about 3 times. *sigh* procrastinators. Needless to say, I am responsible for mailing out the bills.

ETA: Life does not happen like it does in the movies. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by beckybee787.
Post # 19
Member
8602 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I definitely wanted a proposal because I wanted to know that it was 100% his doing. Otherwise, what if he’s just going with the flow not of his own fruition? So I think your cousins right. You can let it be known that it’s important to you (and if you mean it, that you won’t wait forever) but you can’t have it both ways of choosing the timing and him doing it all. 

I would suggest letting him know you’re ready to get this show on the road. He might be complacent and assume you’re both happy with the status quo. I personally only wanted to marry a dude who wanted me enough to make it happen. If he thinks you’re happy to be his live in non married partner forever, he might not have the fire to make it happen. It’s a fine line, but I wanted to make it clear I was ready and willing and simulaneously see if he’d put his money where his mouth is with his forever talk.

Post # 20
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee

Shes not wrong. I wouldnt personally use the word hypocritical, but if you want to get engaged then ask him. If you want him to ask, then you get to wait til he feels like asking. 

Post # 21
Member
4319 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think your cousin is bang on. You aren’t sitting back and waiting like a woman in the olden days…you two have discussed and agreed that you want to get married.  You’ve also made your desire for a proposal clear, and it sounds like he is trying to give you exactly what you want.  So yeah….now you do have to let him do it, like you asked him to. I don’t see what’s so unreasonable about that.

Post # 22
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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missychas:  I agree completely with your cousin. You can’t have it both ways. If you want it to be a traditional proposal that comes because he wants to propose to you, you can’t choose when he’s ready for that. You can “timeline talk” him into proposing when you want, but you can’t get a timeline on when he’ll be excited and motivated to propose to you. That feeling needs to come from his heart organically. timelinds make sense when the desire is there but the finances or life situation are still in limbo. You already have all your ducks in a row and are just waiting for his feelings to get there. (His “I want to be married” feelings, not his love for you.) you can’t put a timeline on something like that. Do you want to be engaged to a man who isn’t 100% ready and thrilled to be married?

Post # 23
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee

I actually think your situation doesn’t seem so bad, so do agree with your cousin. You have spoken about marriage and kids, you know he wants both, so you aren’t wondering IF, just when. There is so much pressure on guys making fancy proposals now, I don’t blame him of being nervous. I actually think it’s great that he had expressed his nervousness… He isn’t saying no, in fact the opposite. He wants to choose when the time is right so it isn’t that he’s been pressured into it. to me, that would be nicer… that way I know he is 100% in it. he is 28, and and four years isn’t THAT for someone at that Age. 

Post # 24
Member
2921 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My DH and I just decided to get married. We moved crazy quick and were married inside of a year. But we both reject the idea of a romantic proposal and wanted it to be a mutual decision. We are also both feminists who believe in living in the real world. We are not romantics and DH would have been annoyed with me if I had expected a grand gesture proposal. For him the grand gesture was marrying me and committing his life to me. I agree. But we are pretty out there.

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