Post # 1
My mother has been an absolute nightmare throughout my relationship with FH, engagement, and now our wedding planning. She has been stubborn, dramatic, unreasonable and downright inconsiderate. She said she wanted my FMIL to help me pick out my wedding dress, but it had to be one of the three she already picked out from DB. Then when I went ahead and picked a dress I liked, and sent her a photo (without telling her I bought it yet), she said it was “too simple” and thens said, “You don’t look like a bride. Don’t you want to look like a bride on your wedding day?”
“Too simple”?!!! I am sure everybody walks around in a lacy white dress with a lacy train and a veil on a day-to-day basis.
She isn’t even paying for the dress!!! I already had issues with the dress since I couldn’t get my first choice dress (way over budget), and it took me a while to come to terms with this one. I don’t even have enough time to order the dress because my mother stood in the way of our booking a venue until four months before our wedding date. I had to buy the sample because of her reluctance. She has created obstactles every chance she could and half of me is convinced she is just trying to sabotage the whole damned thing.
Why can’t she be a normal mother and actually be happy for me! I found somebody who is extremely loving, caring and respectful, somebody who is crazy about me and literally makes me his number one priority on a daily basis. She hasn’t even been that for me, ever.
Post # 2
Pirouette7: Wow, your mom does not sound like a loving mother at all. It sucks that you have to deal with her crap. At some point, you might have to rethink how much involvement you will allow her to have in your life as she seems hellbent on ruining it for you. As far as the dress, I know we all would like parebtal approval, but her thoughts on this are unimportant, especially since she isn’t suing for it. Dont let her make you doubt your decision and don’t include her in any future decisions either. Stay strong!
Post # 3
Pirouette7: why do you continue to include her? you can’t control her but you can control the information you give her and the input you ask of her.
it sounds like a control thing based on what you’ve shared. Stop blaming her for the situation / stress and start realizing that the situation / stress is a result of prioritizing her input.
Stop prioritzing it, stop the stress. Sounds easier than it is, but it’s worth it.
Post # 4
Pirouette7: First, hugs. Now, my mother and I have a good realtionship and she was still very vocal about what she thought my wedding dress (and day really) should look like instead of supporting my choice and being happy. I say this to bring you comfort that even loving moms can tank your dreamy state of planning. The dress that I thought was perfect for me started to look like an old weathered frock with each passing day after her comments. My soultion: look for another dress and buy it without sending her pictures. I too am under a bit of a time crunch because our wedding is in August, so I’m with you on the stress of securing something immediately.
I think the take away is to put some distance between you and her as you plan. If you want to keep her involved, send her decoy photos haha. She will still feel as though she’s contributing, and besides, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Heck, maybe those exchanges will give you the space and time, without the charged emotions, to perhaps work through some of the other stressors in your relationship. I hope this helps a bit!
Post # 5
Pirouette7: She’s not wearing it. Share nothing with her, if she’s going to be negative/opinionated. And don’t accept her money/help, for anything.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle
I think the only way you can lessen your stress is to adjust your expectations of how your mother is going to behave. She’s been unsupportive and obstructive over and over and it’s very likely to continue that way, unfortunately. She’s not going to give you those special mother-daughter moments and you might just have to accept that. When you do, at least you can avoid most of the disappointment. I know it’s so hard, but it’s better than getting your hopes up and constantly dashed. Definitely stop waiting for her approval before you make decisions. Stand up for yourself, know what you want and go for it!
You FMIL sounds like maybe she could be more supportive and maybe step in a little to fill the role that your mother can’t/won’t.
I would minimize you mother’s involvement in the rest of the planning and focus on your positive feelings and all the good things about marrying what sounds like a great man. You love your dress and are going to feel so great in it! You know you’re going to have a great wedding day, with our without her approval.
Post # 7
as other PP have said, it’s time for you to adjust your expectations about your mom’s behavior. You know how when we were children and we went trick-or-treating there was always this one neighbor who always gave out the worst treats or was rude or whatever? Well…your mom is that neighbor. And you keep stubbornly going back to her expecting that ‘this time’ she’ll have a yummy treat…she won’t. For whatever reason, whether your mom is a true narcissist, projecting her own issues onto your wedding, jealous, controlling, etc. etc., she’s not a good source of love, attention or support right now. So stop going to that ‘house’ expecting good ‘treats’.
Also, and this might be too much but please realize that just the way you’re not fulfilling HER expectations of what wedding / dress / venue you’re having and it makes you feel like total s***, she’s not fulfilling YOUR expectations of what a “mother” should do. In essence you’ve learned the same pattern of expectations-disappointment from her and this big moment in your life might be a good time to realize it and begin changing it.
When my sister went dress shopping she took a bunch of us with her (SIL, mother, father, brother, niece…) and as she tried on her dresses you could tell she was looking for my parents’ approval. But of course, they had this IDEA of what a “bride looks like” that differed from hers. Eventually she ended up in tears cuz the dress she liked the most was one where my mom had been like “hmmm that’s too simple…” Long story made short, a Few months after that when I bought my dress I didn’t take my mother at all. The woman was not happy. And of course when I showed her the pictures she was like ‘wow I would’ve taken you to a better seamstress for your hemline…”
so…I will tell you what I told my sister that day and what I learned from her experience and mine: find the dress that makes YOU feel like a “bride,” whatever that means for you. Find a dress that makes YOU feel beautiful and special. Not a dress to please your mother, FMIL, FI, friends, nothing. Yep I even added your FI there. Why? Because whatever you wear that day that makes you feel beautiful and special and like a bride- that’s what you’ll feel like and therefore that’s what you’ll project and that’s what you’ll share with him and everyone around you. He loves you, right? The beautiful, sexy, confident you? Then find that inside of you to choose your dress and fuck everyone else’s opinions on the matter.
P.S. now that you’re a grown up and know your neighbors…go trick or treating to the “good” houses where you know you’ll get good “treats” and skip the others. What’s experience for if not that?
Post # 8
Thank you all for your advice. It’s been a rough year. I always thought I had a positive relationship with my parents but, with this wedding, the gloves really came off. It’s been hard for me to adjust to the disappointment. I really thought my mother would be by my side when I decided to get married. Or at least my father. I have tried to come to terms with reality as best as I can, and somehow it is the smaller moments, like her not liking my dress, that I act out against the most because I have to work hard to keep a lid on it with the bigger issues.
Thanks again, everyone. It helps so much to hear words of encouragement from you. I think the main reason it has been difficult to exclude my mother is because it will cause a rift in the whole family and none of them will be able to attend my wedding if my mother stirs up trouble. I love my family very much and I want them there if it is at all possible. But my priority is ultimately my fiance, so I am preparing myself for a final showdown since I can only handle so much of my mother trying to call off the wedding and she seems ready to do that yet again.
Post # 9
Pirouette7: I’m so sorry you can’t share this experience with her in a loving, positive way!
I definitely think you just need to avoid having her share in any part of the preparations. If she’s not going to be supportive, it’s not worth it. If someone told me I had to pick my wedding dress out of 3 they had already chosen I’d tell them to shove it.. seriously. Its your day!
Do you have a sister/friend/aunt or someone else you can share these experiences with instead who will offer you love and support? Definitely don’t let negativity in at a time like this!
Post # 10
Pirouette7: Your wedding, your choice – even if she was paying. I’d just let it roll off your shoulders. Just say “Well I think I’ll make a beautiful bride even if it’s not a traditional poofy dress.”
Post # 11
@Piroutte7 I understand what are you going through. I have VERY controlling mother. I am her only family and she got divorced when I was very little and never remarried. I am her life and she can’t let go and can’t except that I make my own choices. She is VERY opiniated. She too did not like the dress I LOVED. I think beause it more sexy then sweet. She wants me to wear something princess like. I went with her and tried many many other dresses and almost bought the one she liked. However, we went bacl to the store and I tried the one i liked and I had same feeling. I told her that I love her but she is not the one wearing it and I was getting that one. After I made a dicision she kept going on how she hates it. I stopped her and said” it’s done deal you can’t change my mind. I understand you hate it. I promise you will love it in the end so lets just move on”
She actually paid for my dress and I was not expecting it at all
Post # 12
Your mom is being a jerk. I’m sorry. 🙁
Post # 13
that sucks. I am so sorry. you could have just booked another venue and told her. Mothers always seem to feel like its their wedding and everything you do and have reflects on them. It is weird. It is hard to tell someone that if you want their opinion you will ask for it.