(Closed) Vent – need some advice please

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7694 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Unknown:

I’m sorry that you are having this situation.  I’m wondering if you could:

Find someone who is selling the same dress (never  or gently worn?)

Find one of the China companies that could make a replica for less?-There are some posts from women here who have been happy with some companies-be careful if you decide to do this.)

I don’t know how “elaborate” your wedding will be-but would you both be happier if you cut some of the costs and still had some money to set aside for a down payment (albeit a smaller one?)

Post # 4
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee

It’s your wedding…I don’t see why you can’t buy the dress you want. 

I’m sorry you feel guilty, though. Don’t let your mom make you feel bad…it’s you and your fiancé’s day and if it makes you happy to have his family around, then they should be around.

Post # 6
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee

If your mother has already gifted you the money I don’t think you need to discuss costs with her.  It really isn’t her concern how you spend your money.

I think you need to have a very frank discussion with her.  If you can’t bring yourself to do that then as she brings up something just use the broken record method.

Mom: I don’t think you should spend XXXXXX dollars on a dress

You: Thanks mom, but I’ve got it under control

Mom: But it’s XXXXX dollars you could use that to feed everyone.

You: Mom, I’ve got it under control

Mom: But what about all the starving people in Africa.

You: Mom, I’ve said I’ve got this under control.  This topic is closed for discussion.

Then if she keeps going on,say good bye,  hang up the phone, leave the room, get out of there.

 

BUT if she hasn’t yet given you the money, then you are kind of trapped if you want her money.  While obviously no one should give a gift with strings attached, it sounds like she may me.  In which case you only options are to accept the strings, or decline her “gift”

 

Post # 7
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@andielovesj: I had to do this a few times. “Yes mom, I will consider it” or “No, we have already made our decision”.

It is hard when the person with the checkbook is also able to control, since they have the money. We are trying to minimally use the money my parents are giving us because I am afraid it will become an object of control/guilt.

Anyway, I don’t have much advice to give, except that the PP with the broken record idea was pretty brilliant, and I don’t envy you! This type of situation is hard. Is she the type that you can sit down and talk to about it or does she just like to take a situation and run with it how she sees fit?

Post # 8
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

My parents made the same kind of gift or wedding contribution. Except once I decided on a wedding, my mom wanted me to buy everything, but it came out of our pocket.

What I learned was that I could not involve her with decisions that involved pricing. You may just have to do what @andielovesj: said when something comes up

I would even be a bit more stern with her and say 

Mom, I really appreciate the gift of the money and you said I can choose how I spend it and I have chosen to spend it on a wedding. I feel that I have to fight you on every decision I make in this planning process and I all I want is to enjoy sharing the decision and discussion with you. If I keep having to argue I guess I am going to have to do all the planning with just my fiance and I. 

She may back off realizing how stressful she is being and if not you have given her fair warning she cant be part of decisions in the future.

The topic ‘Vent – need some advice please’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors