(Closed) Vent: Need to get this off my chest (long)

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Let me be the first to say that girl – YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

I have never really “liked” my Future Mother-In-Law – just tolerated. Long story short we had a huge blow out this past summer b/c of the rude/racist comments she’s made towards me over the years. In addition to her crazy remarks/comments she also wanted to wear a FLOOR LENGTH WHITE GOWN to our wedding – yup..you read that right.

That said – your Fiance needs to better manage his mother when it comes to her expectations of YOUR wedding (and by “YOUR” I mean you and your FI). This day is supposed to be a reflection of you and your husband to be – not his MOTHERS!

*HUGS* I hope venting makes you feel better..I know it makes ME feel better..well..that and alcohol and ice cream πŸ˜‰

Post # 4
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

OMG I FEEL THE SAME WAY!!!

I really liked Future Mother-In-Law until the wedding planning started.  Fortunately we live across the country and don’t talk all that often, but she was kind of rude to my mother on the phone when my mom was trying to be nice to call her to tell her about the wedding plans that we are doing. 

Future Mother-In-Law made a point in an email to me saying that her other son’s fiance is making sure that EVERYONE is happy implying that our $80,000 wedding that Fiance has 2/3 of the guest list of (and they aren’t paying a penny) isn’t good enough.

Fiance and I were going to go out of pocket to have a second reception in their hometown in a different state to incorporate all of their friends and family who weren’t invited to our wedding (we are inviting 225 to our wedding). She decided that it would be too much work and offered as a compromise for us to just invite those 150 extra people to the wedding.  Why not, they aren’t paying?

Sigh.  I totally, totally understand how you feel. I am hoping that things are better after the wedding, but just know that there are many of us on here who feel the same way and we are good to vent to πŸ™‚

Post # 5
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Hmm, that is really rude, clearly, on her part.

You can’t really do anything about her. Instead, you need to let your FH know how much her actions are really getting to you, and formulate a plan for how to deal with her. That includes him never saying yes to her without consulting you, and never blaming you in front of her.

My grandmother is difficult with my mother. It isn’t out of spite, she is just one of those people who can never see past her own POV. It has been a sore spot in my parents’ otherwise awesome marriage. The best thing you can do is have a supportive spouse who is behind you. The annoyances will come, but facing them together will really help.

Post # 6
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

πŸ™  That sounds pretty terrible.  The bigest problem is that you Fiance hasn’t been much help.

For example in the situation above it sounds like it isn’t “your the couples” desire to have fewer guests and being uncomfortable inviting people you don’t know, it sounds like your Fiance doesn’t mind at all but you do. 

So the problem there is 1. clarity – it’s important to differentiate between what is important to the two of you as a couple and what is important to each of you individually and 2. consideration – your Fiance should have known how you feel on these issues and shouldn’t have responded without talking to you.

Your Future Mother-In-Law… can’t change her, can only minimize time together.

 

Post # 7
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@MrsBtobe – OMFG  -a white floor length dress?!  OH my.  I think we really need a greatest hits of Future Mother-In-Law stories.

Post # 8
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

One of the most eye-opening lessons we took away from our marriage prep course, which focused on maintenance skills to keep our relationship strong while it’s still early on in order to prevent problems from forming later on, was that both husband and wife have to learn the difficult tactic of prioritizing each other over their respective parents. There are going to be conflicts between you and your in-laws, and between him and your parents, and that transfer of loyalty absolutely has to occur. Hopefully you can have a talk with your Fiance and help him understand that he needs to help this relationship right now by standing up to his mother when she does things that upset you.

Post # 9
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Mrs.Louboutin – Agreed! There needs to be a “FMIL Greatest Hits” book!

I should also add that after the “blow out” w/my FIL’s that I learned a great lesson:

People don’t change. The only thing that can change is how you react to them.

Post # 10
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

MrsBtoBe – I totally agree.  Fortunately, Future Mother-In-Law and FI’s family live on the other side of the country.  I know that sounds terrible, but I’m just glad I don’t have to see them on a regular basis and I’m really hoping this changes after the wedding. 

It’s weird how things went from great to a total headache in the midst of wedding planning.

Post # 11
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’ve been stalking WB for quite a while, and I registered especially to respond to your post.  Not to hijack your post, but I just wanted to share my Future Mother-In-Law issues, which seem very similar to yours.  I liked my Future Mother-In-Law ok before the wedding planning started – she is a pretty immature and selfish person, but I tolerated her for my fiance’s sake.  For a variety of reasons, my finance and I have had a long engagement and we have just recently finally decided to start planning.  We had in our heads a wonderful family vacation wedding in Hawaii with ONLY immediately family: his parents and brother, and my parents and my brother.  Fiance’s brother has been seeing a new girl for the past two months, and we have met her twice.  We don’t even know her last name!  However, regardless of the fact that we decided that we wanted to be surrounded by the people who have been with us since our births (or, in our brothers, cases, their births), Future Mother-In-Law is insisting that we invite FBIL’s girlfriend along for the ride.  When we explained all of the reasons why it would be inappropriate to invite a stranger to our extremely intimate family wedding, Future Mother-In-Law threatened a rift between fiance and Future Brother-In-Law, and between herself and us.  She even went as far as to threaten us that she would not come.  I felt horrible for fiance’s sake that his mother was threatening to not attend her oldest son’s wedding, only because she – as always – wanted to give her youngest son everything he wants (which is a whoooooooole other issue), even to the point of bringing some girl we don’t even know.  Fiance and I came to the conclusion, after many tears and discussions, that you can’t change a person or a relationship… you can only minimize contact.  So that is what we have resolved to do.  We don’t need such a toxic person in our lives.  I’m so sorry you are going through something similar.

Post # 13
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Missabee-I’m sorry you are dealing with this!

At this point, my advice to you would be to tell your Future Mother-In-Law, kindly, that unfortunately, the wedding guest list is pretty much set in stone. And then perhaps approach the girlfriend and let her know that you’re sorry, but you weren’t aware that Future Mother-In-Law invited her parents but at this point the guest list is set and you hope she understands. She probably will understand if she has any of the same feelings about your Future Mother-In-Law that you do!

Since you’ll no doubt be designing/ordering the invitations yourself and providing the printer the addresses (or writing them yourself) etc. and you’re paying for the wedding with your own money you pretty much have free reign over the guest list. No invitation to the gf’s parents mean they won’t be coming, right? End of story!

And about her suggestions for other frivolous ideas, I would suggest thanking her for her suggestions and taking it all with a grain of salt. If you’re paying for everything yourself just buy/don’t buy what you want! If she decides to buy things for you to use, just think of it as that ugly sweater you get from Granny every year. You wear it to make her happy, and in the end, no one will remember what it looks like.

Good luck and keep smiling, even if you’re screaming on the inside!

Post # 14
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Missabee – My Future Mother-In-Law is unfortunately, kind of bigoted and ignorant also, which drives me crazy!  My Fiance and I are an interracial couple, and the Future Mother-In-Law make racist comments and observations about other people that make me very uncomfortable.  She has, at least, tried to refrain from making comments about my specific ethnicity, though.  Whoopee.  My family lives far away, but the FILs only live about an hour’s train ride away, which means that we see them fairly often (pretty much every other weekend and all long weekend holidays).  Like you, every single time I see them she behaves in a way that really pisses me off.  Sometimes it’s something that directly affects me, but most of the time it’s how she treats others.  The good thing is that whenever I mention something that particularly bothered me about his mother, Fiance would always nod and I could see that he admitted to himself her shortcomings. 

I would be cautious of complaining to your Fiance about his mother too much, though.  It’s so hard for me to shut my mouth when I see something I really dislike about a person, but please don’t forget: it’s his MOTHER you’re talking about.  It seems like you have been trying to curb yourself already (I know it’s so hard!) by keeping your true opinion about the invite discussion to yourself.  I agree that it is important for you and your Fiance to have a discussion and be on the same page, but since it seems from what you said that your FI likes his mother; if you are seen as badmouthing her without good (or good enough) reason, you will only hurt yourself and your relationship with him if you try too hard to get him to see the light.  (It basically took complete estrangement over the issue about the unwelcome guest for my Fiance to really see his mother in the way that others see her.)  Perhaps it would assist in a constructive discussion with your Fiance if you could write down some of the things that really and truly bother you about her or that really affect you (or your relationship with FI) negatively.  See if there is a pattern.  If so, you can address specific issues that bother you the most instead of trying to change her completely.  For instance, if what really and truly bothers you about some of her comments is how she disrespects your decisions with your Fiance as a mature, adult couple, you could discuss that with Fiance, and you could both figure out a way to deal with that particular issue. 

Remember, bottom line is this: You already know that there are and will be issues regarding the Future Mother-In-Law, and unfortunately, there is usually nothing you can do about it.  You just have to decide whether YOU want to marry your Fiance despite the fact that you’ll have to deal with Future Mother-In-Law issues for the rest of your life.  If you answer “Yes!”, smaller issues will just fall by the wayside.  Good luck with everything!

P.S. I’m totally considering creating a different “venting” account, too, since I am also paranoid that they will figure out who I am.  LOL

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