- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
I’m writing/posting this fully expecting to get flamed, but I have to write my feelings down. They’ve been eating at me for months.
I’m going through some negative feelings about a good friend of mine — one who happened to be in my bridal party, too. I should’ve seen the writing on the wall when her reaction to my asking her to be in the wedding was something to the effect of, “Oh, I thought you would’ve had other closer people in your life!” But despite that, she was there when I needed her. I don’t have best girl friends and I’m not close with my sister, so she’s one I would bill as closer than most. It stung a bit when she said what she said. I also felt a little hurt that her speech during our wedding wasn’t all that personal — she’d just strung together a bunch of literary passages from Jane Austen, etc., rather than mentioning anecdotes about our friendship. It was lovely, but it had this feeling of detachment for me.
She and I have known one another for close to 10 years now, as we work for the same company — she had been employed there for about a year prior to me coming on board and because we’re about a year apart in age, we gravitated towards one another. We were 26/27 at the time and had many things in common. I was laid off two years later and our friendship was still intact, but not as close as it once was due to not seeing each other as much. After a series of not-so-promising job positions and another layoff, I was rehired in 2010 with the company at which my friend and I met. During the time that she and I didn’t work together every day, she had forged new friendships and had become quite different around the office — different than I remembered. But so had I, having met my now-husband and having forged a good friendship of my own with my other bridal party member. Another reason that her personality had changed is because she was in a position as my indirect manager, which drove a bit of a wedge into our friendship and how she used to be. She couldn’t joke around in the same manner and took EVERYTHING so seriously — in a way, she’s always been like that because she’s historically had to work for everything she’s gotten, but at times I just want to tell her to RELAX already. Working with a friend is challenging, to say the least.
I would say that I’ve had it much easier than my friend has when it comes to monetary aspects of our lives. For example, she has student loans and I didn’t have them, and I grew up in a middle- to upper-middle-class household in an affluent town while she grew up more blue-collar. Not that I think she’s a “lesser” person — it can just be hard to relate sometimes. My husband grew up poor, but he likes the finer things in life now — we have great success and we like to enjoy ourselves. Her and her husband almost have this incapability to enjoy anything because they hate to spend money — it can be limiting! Sometimes whenever my husband and I make an “extravagant” purchase on something, I can sense the judgement from her. It’s palpable.
However, she has it much easier than I do when it comes to being likeable (to me, though, she comes across as a huge phony, which irritates me because I know her real personality), and it’s annoying. I’m much more reserved by nature and will be myself rather than try to be someone I’m not for the benefit of others — when I hear her with that phony act she puts on, I sometimes want to jump up from my cube and tell her to shut up. It’s gotten that bad. I know it’s all part of “playing the game” — but I’d rather just do my work and go home. Even my noise-cancelling earbuds can’t drown it out.
I have this feeling that she may know that I’m feeling this way, but another part of me thinks that she has no clue. I’m slowly distancing myself (not talking much to her, etc.) and she hasn’t reciprocated.
Maybe I just don’t know HOW to be a good friend. I don’t know…