- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
Before I met my wife, I had a good relationship with my mom. Ever since my mom met my wife (then girlfriend) it all went down hill. It started out with my mom sending abusive e-mails to me about my girlfriend and for the first year and a half of our relationship, I didn’t completely realize how abusive my mother was. My girlfriend even apologized for misunderstandings several times that she didn’t understand herself, but my mother continued to be abusive.
My girlfriend at the time finally got through to me, and told me to stop tolerating the abuse, and how it wasn’t normal. It’s one thing for my mother to have a negative opinion about my girlfriend and share it with me lovingly maybe once or twice, but to mention it every time I spoke to her over e-mail or skype it got to be a bit too much. The past 3 or so years I’ve tried to lovingly explain to her how unhealthy and how abusive she was being. I emphasized healthy boundaries, asked many times if we could speak to a priest together about our misunderstandings, etc and she has not respected any of it.
My wife and I got married less than a year ago, and even though she was invited to the wedding, she didn’t come. She said she felt unwelcome, because in the beginning I offered for her to stay at my future in-law’s house, but then I realized she wasn’t changing and was continually being abusive and difficult so I offered to help her find a hotel to stay at but she refused to come. I’m not sure why my mother wanted to stay at my future in-law’s house if she strongly disliked my wife so much.
My mother has always been two faced to my wife, being nice to her on skype or via e-mail, then speaking horribly about her to me via e-mail or skype. The e-mails were very ill willed, and she covers up by saying she’s only telling the truth which she wants me to fully understand.
Since I am currently living overseas from my family the last 4 years, I’ve tried to keep in touch with her. We used to skype and e-mail often, but as the abuse continued I’ve tried to keep my distance. I would often send happy, informative e-mails to her updating her on our life and what we have been up to despite what has happened in the past etc and tried to keep it very casual. Unfortunately in her replies she continues to attack me about the past misunderstandings we’ve had, about the choices I’ve made (she mocks and bullies me for leaving my home town, “brags” about the beaches and the warm weather they have there now etc) and tells me how much I’m missing out and just continues to bully.
I’m actually very content and happy with my life, work, marriage and most importantly my relationship with God, and have told her in the casual e-mails I’ve sent her the last couple months, but she continues to makes up her own stories. It has gotten to the point where I don’t know how to proceed. She last e-mailed me the 3rd week of December, and it was negative, so I hadn’t replied yet but we sent her a Christmas card. Today I received another crass e-mail from her, and she is mocking me, saying stuff like “No mail… mmmm…must’ve been something I said..oooppppss?” and continues to be disrespectful saying stuff like “I’m just putting your life into words for you.” Then she goes on about “Signing out. for the last time. Don’t worry, I’ll tell everyone”. As in she will tell everyone that I don’t want to hear from her anymore even though I hadn’t even said that? She has told me she’s told family friends, neighborhood friends, my brother’s friend’s about the relationship she has with us and why she wasn’t coming to the wedding. She just thinks I have “banned her from my very own wedding” etc. She’s obviously resentful, and doesn’t seem to be changing anytime soon.
My Dad and siblings are aware of it but obviously don’t know the full extent since they haven’t read any of the emails and I don’t see them being able to influence the situation.
Should I keep in touch with her? If so, how? I’ve seeked advice from several priests they didn’t choose to give me specific direction but to stay in touch and “set boundaries, be respectful” etc. Thank you.