Post # 1
Preface – I love my fiance and cannot wait to marry him. Its just all the other stuff I hate.
He originally wanted a more traditional wedding with family/friends. I was open to it but would have preferred to elope just the two of us (I hate being the center of attention and forced socialization). I also preferred to spend the money on other things. We discussed and he agreed so we decided on a small, immediate family only, simple wedding at a lake near our house and then to take everyone to dinner after. This seemed like a fair compromise.
Issue 1 – I have no family – literally none. Im essentially an orphan thanks to drugs/alcohol/toxic people. Fiance wanted me to invite someone so it wasnt just his family there (which i was fine with – I like his family)…. So I invited a long time family friend who has been a solid support system for me for 15 years. However, he and fiance got off on the wrong foot. I thought it was water under the bridge but fiance later revealed to me (after I invited him – which I only did bc fiance wanted me to have someone there) that he would be polite and cordial but that he wasnt trying to engage my friend and his wife in any extended conversation. WELL – given we are only having 14 people there and everyone else is HIS family that will be pretty obvious. I got really upset by this and he ultimately apologized and said he would not make it weird… but now in MY head I know there is this tension so its gonna be weird for me regardless.
Issue 2 – Now last night his dad calls and wants to invite a couple of aunts and cousins because he told them we are getting married and they basically invited themselves. Fiance and I agreed this is NOT what we planned for and if we wanted more people there, we have other people who we would have placed at a higher priority. Fiance told his dad this but the way his dad made it sound I still worry they may try to show up, or that his dad will be a little resentful at us for excluding them.
In addition to all this I never really wanted to deal with the stress of a “wedding” even a small one so the added stress is making me regret agreeing to do it at all. But its 23 days away so we cant change it now, and it was a fair compromise with my fiance given what was important to us both. But I just have this feeling of wanting to “get it over with” and that bums me out.
I know many other people have huge weddings with way more complicated problems. Nonetheless, it stresses me out and I just want it to be DONE. I have anxiety and its definitely flaring up.
Post # 2
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
Aww Bee I am so sorry. I can see how you would feel like this. Especially knowing that your fh doesn’t get along with the one person you invited. Now you are going to feel like you are going to have to entertain him and his wife, or is he going to wonder why you fh is acting funny towards him. It will be very awkward for you. That in it self is can be stressful let alone the aunts and cousins. Hopefully in the next couple of day’s things may change. I wish I could help.
Post # 3
I know how you feel. Just got engaged and i don’t even want to plan the wedding. Whoever says it is fun to plan in my opinion is nuts haha. In the grand scheme of things it is one day, that will be over soon. What I would suggest is you and your fiance go elope just the two of you somewhere super romantic and lovely before this bigger wedding. Have your moment where you get to be emotional and enjoy it. DOn’t tell anyone you did that, and then have your bigger day infront of people in 23 days.
Post # 4
Could you elope just the two of you and then have a small celebration with his family when you get back? Means that you won’t have all eyes on you during a ceremony but that your partner gets the small party he wanted.
Post # 5
- Wedding: April 2019 - USA
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way bee 🙁 That sucks. But you definitely need to put your foot down with his parents, as this is you and your fiance’s wedding and is about YOU TWO first and foremost. As a bride who got pressured into inviting tons of people I didn’t want to invite, I urge you to do what is best for you and let the rest of them get over it. Have your fiance tell his parents that they better reach out to the aunts & cousins and tell them they cannot invite themselves, as it is a small ceremony. Because they were the ones responsible for this situation in the first place, it’s their responsiblity to uninvite the people they rudely invited without your knowledge or consent.
As for your longtime family friend, I’d try to get over it- it’s just one day and everyone doesn’t have to like each other. I know it sucks but it’s the truth- I have some close best friends that my husband doesn’t care to engage with, but it doesn’t affect our relationship because personalities are just different fits sometimes.
Post # 6
What is the nature of the incident that happened between your friend and your fiance? If it was truly offensive or over the line, you could consider retracting the invitation or making it conditional on a real resolution of the dispute. The former would very likely damage the friendship.
If it wasn’t anything that serious, believe your fiance when he says he will be civil. There is nothing whatsover wrong with civil. If your friend still owes some sort of an apology, then maybe that’s a conversation that still needs to happen. As the groom, your friend won’t be expecting his undivided attention, anyway.
Likewise, if your fiance told his father that the the wedding is intimate and is standing by that, I really doubt you have anything to worry about. As the expression goes, don’t borrow trouble. I bet your day will be lovely.
Post # 7
It is awkward, thats the part that stresses me. Like Im sure FH and friend will be fine but its just stress I didnt want on my wedding day.
While I would LOVE to elope just the 2 of us prior to the day – thats not what fiance wants and I think its best to maintain the compromise that we both felt was fair.
Fiance was firm with his dad that its a small ceremony and we wont have chairs, reservations, etc for anyone who wasnt invited.
The issue with Fiance and friend is hard to convey. When FH and I had been dating about 6 months friend invited me and the kids over for dinner – something we usually do 1-2x a summer as they live about 45 min away. I asked friend if Fiance could come but he said he’d rather it just be us. This friend is older and not particularly social and I think just preferred a casual evening. He said he looked forward to meeting FH who was then my boyfriend at another time.
Fiance took this as a big personal slight and felt it was disrespectful. Knowing my friend I know it was not personal, but Fiance feels it is and I respect his feelings. So the next time we all crossed paths friend took my son for a weekend and brought him home. When he got to our house fiance was laying on the couch and didnt really get up or acknowledge him. I did an introduction and they both said hello and that was that. I thought fiance was kind as kind of rude but I understand how he views the situation.
Now a year later fiance thinks that back then I should have told friend that it was rude not to invite him and that friend should have apologized, but now its too late to bring it up. Fiance feels I didnt have his back. I feel fiance is being rude in thinking he is entitled to go to someones house, but I understand that since I have no family he felt this friend was important to meet and it hurt his feelings when he felt unwelcome.
Post # 8
It’s only awkward if you make it awkward. In any case, your fiance is not obliged in any way to be close to this person. That’s life.
That said, he was out of line and taking it out in a negative way on your friend is inappropriate. As a couple dating for only six months, your friend was under no obligation whatsoever to invite him at that time. His issue with all this should if anything have been with you. If he was so uncomfortable with you being alone in this older man’s home, he could have said so. In your place I would have respected that request.
Was there ever any romantic history between you and the family friend?
Post # 9
weddingmaven : No romantic history or concerns there. Friend is much older and happily married, but has been a good presence in my sons life since he was about 2. I was not having dinner with him “alone” but with him and his wife and my 2 kids.
It bothers me because I wouldnt have invited friend at all if FH hadnt insisted I invite “someone”. I dont expect them to be friends, thats fine. I just wish the tension wasnt a part of my wedding day. FH still holds a LOT of resentment about this issue so its not something I can just ignore, he made it a point for me to not be able to ignore it by telling me he would act differently towards him.
Post # 10
mel2 : That’s very immature of your fiance, then. It was obviously nothing personal back then, since they had never met. Holding onto the grudge even now is not normal.
Post # 11
Since your friend had never met your boyfriend at the time it could in no way be personal to your boyfriend.
Six months isn’t long to be together and seeing as you go there twice a year wanted to spend quality time with you and your son, other people change that dynamic and not inviting a stranger that could be out of the picture just as quickly seems perfectly reasonable. It is in no way disrespectful to anyone. Having relationships outside your significant other is important. Your Fh is acting like a child. And honestly rather than respecting the one relationship that you had before him is trying to isolate you. Not getting up and meeting the man that is an important part of your child life over something so trivial is rediculous. Your child will pick up on the fact that FH doesn’t like him and at this point your friend has been in his life much longer.
Tell FH to grow up, it’s not about him. It’s not personal friend wanted to spend time with you and your son.
Post # 12
Is your fiance 10??? How in the world he can think his rude behavior is appropriate I don’t know. There’s no ‘side’ to this. Your friend invited YOU over and didn’t want to meet your 6 month boyfriend at that time. You two weren’t a package deal and I’m sure he has hung out with friends without you. Honestly, the fact that your boyfriend took this as a slight and continues to this day to hold a grudge gives me the creeps, like he doesn’t understand normal human behavior. I would have dumped him and suggested he see a therapist because this is just…it’s WEIRD, is what it is.
Post # 13
“As a couple dating for only six months, your friend was under no obligation whatsoever to invite him at that time.”
Sure, but it’s not a very nice thing to do and I would feel a little hurt as the fiance as well. It’s not like you were invited to stay the weekend. This friend could have been flexible for one dinner at his place, especially given that you asked to bring him. That being said, your Fiance is being dramatic to hold a lifetime grudge against the one friend you are inviting to your wedding. And on that note, I totally understand not being excited about the wedding if practically the entire guest list is your fiance’s family. I understand you didn’t want anthing big, but is it too late to have a few other friends attend to support you?
Post # 14
“FH still holds a LOT of resentment about this issue so its not something I can just ignore, he made it a point for me to not be able to ignore it by telling me he would act differently towards him.”
Even though I think friend should have invited fiance to dinner, this is way over the top and possibly a red flag. You have one friend at the wedding you compromised to give him and he is punishing you by bringing up this old incident? That is mean to you, OP.
Post # 15
I feel the same. Mine is in 11 days. I had no desire for a wedding ceremony. I wanted to just do a courthouse style or something very small then host a nice party after but here we are. I hate the thought of all eyes on me while I have an intimate and very emotional moment with my fiance.
I want it to be over with as well. At least the ceremony part. All I can do is focus on the honey moon and life after. Basically staying in denial the best I can and I will just have to fake it till I make it that day.