(Closed) Vent: other people telling waiting bees that we're engaged!?

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Hostess
7547 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Engaged literally means “pledged to marry.”

Signing a contract for a venue = a pledge to get married at a certain time & place.

Therefore, when you plan your wedding, you’re literally engaged. You may not feel engaged, but that’s a whole different thing. 

Post # 33
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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@AlwaysSunny:  She didn’t sign a contract- they just visited a venue. 

Post # 34
Member
1621 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

….to be fair, you can absolutely be engaged without a ring, and plenty of people are. You and your SO may not consider yourselves engaged, but you might get more sympathy for your position if you clarified yourself. I’m hoping you’re not (in the pursuit of venting about people defining your relationship status) saying that having a ring defines your engagement status. Because honestly the only times on the boards I’ve seen the “if you have a date, you’re engaged, ring or not” statement is people being supportive about a proposal without a ring.

But look, everyone has opinions and they don’t all apply to every situation. You and your SO agree that you’re not engaged? You don’t feel that you are? Fine, I believe you are not engaged. But you’re clearly also more than just dating…you’re like, engaged-to-be-engaged but that doesn’t sound nearly as nice.

Post # 35
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@HeartsandSparkles:  well actually I would have to disagree. If a couple were to “act” married long enough by law they would be married (depends on the state the exact details)

And if he hasnt promised, I would assume he is not involved in the planning, but he is. So he is either promising a marriage or lieing. 

EDIT Many people and cultures annouce engagement without rings… so a ring does not equal an engagement even in America.

Another EDIT: You dont have to be engaged if you dont believe it, but considering the details you cant hold it against other people that they think you are…

Post # 36
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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@ThreeMeers:  Pretty sure I didn’t say anything about a ring.  Nope. 

Idk where you are from but common law marriage hasn’t been a legal thing in California since the 1800’s and that is a fact.  A lot of people think its a real legal phenomenon but MOST states don’t have it. 

They looked at a venue together- cool! Still doesn’t make them engaged.  Are people engaged after they look at rings together? No. What if he buys the ring? No, still not engaged until he asks and she accepts. It’s pretty simple. 

EDIT: and this isn’t a situation where random friends and family are telling OP she is engaged- they haven’t told a soul!! The people telling her she is engaged are waiting bees on WB like you. That’s from her last post. 

Post # 37
Member
2495 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s your relationship, so you get to decide what label you want to put on it.

That being said, if you don’t want people to think you’re engaged, don’t tell people about the things you’re doing that make it seem like you are engaged. You can either (1) choose not to care what people think about you or (2) conform to their standards. You can also try to persuade people to see your minority point of view, but that’s sort of an uphill battle.

And yeah, the argument that living together and having kids together without getting a marriage certificate kind of fails, because most states at some point in time (and some states today) recognized common law marriage.

Post # 38
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@HeartsandSparkles:  Your right. I saw “When I see someone tell me or others” to mean friends, not online people. 

However, for sake of argument, CA may not recognize common law, but many still do (I know a few people affected by this for both good and bad reasons, mostly NY people_

http://www.cadivorce.com/news/common-law-marriage-myths/

Post # 39
Member
5426 posts
Bee Keeper

You have a date for the wedding but not engaged? That is so weird. If someone told me they have a date to get married on September 14, 2013 and then tell me they’re not engaged because SO hasn’t proposed yet… I would be looking at them and saying “what?”

I know you haven’t told anyone in real life yet but you have told us bees that, so in my opinion, you have a date to get married, you are engaged, It’s confusing.

Post # 40
Member
4946 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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@HeartsandSparkles:  In Georgia, common law marriages were a “thing” until 1997. In 11 states and DC, they can still be created. In South Carolina, the only requirement is that the couple “intends for other people to believe they are married.” No magic words and no paperwork. You don’t even have to live together. 

The point that everyone is trying to make is that, when you start openly planning a wedding beyond gathering ideas, people assume you’re engaged. It’s a valid assumption, because most people don’t plan a wedding (like setting dates or visiting venues) until they’re engaged – ring and formal proposal or not. 

Also, there can be a difference between “engaged” and “formally engaged”. The OP is engaged because she is planning a wedding, but not formally because there has been no proposal or ring (which is obviously a requirement for her). 

Post # 41
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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@ThreeMeers:  For arguments sake, the link you put up says that MOST states do NOT have common law marriage. So if you happen to live in Colorado- you CAN be common law married, but most other places you are not and never ever ever will be. 

Post # 42
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@HeartsandSparkles:   I don’t really disagree with anything you’re saying – they can do whatever they want and call it whatever they want.  The problem is the OP being ANGRY that people are confused.  You can’t be angry at people for not understanding that you are planning a wedding without being engaged. Its not a typical, normal, expected thing to do… and humans tend to be confused by unexpected or atypical behavior, and getting angry and defensive about it doesn’t really help matters any.

Post # 43
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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@mepayne:  OP isn’t openly planning a wedding. She visited a venue with SO and talked about their ideal date. They have done all this in secret- that’s all in her last post. The only people who know are the waiting bees. I’m sure OP is really glad she joined the hive now with all these supportive comments.

Post # 44
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@HeartsandSparkles:  You right it was not a fully researched comment, but the fact remains, it does exist. May not be most or all, but it exists. I never said all or most, just many, and many do.

Post # 45
Member
4946 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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@HeartsandSparkles:  I consider “openly” to include here, since it’s the ladies here that she was upset about. 

Post # 46
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@HopingtobeeMrsV:  I really don’t think anyone is trying to define anyone’s relationship.  In the grand scheme of things, I think you are blowing this out of proportion. 

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