(Closed) Vent: other people telling waiting bees that we're engaged!?

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
3106 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Why not just focus on something else? You know when you’re getting engaged and it’s fairly soon. Stop obsessing over your ring and which venue and all that and enjoy your relationship. If you do not want people thinking you’re engaged then stop talking about looking at venues and picking dates and polling on which dress we like (that you haven’t tried on yet) because that’s what engaged people do. You’re creating your own unhappiness in this situation and on the bee. 

Post # 48
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
@rubybride718:  + 1 – she is totally blowing it out of proportion.

There are many waiting bees here, you are no different to any of them.

You wrote a post where you say you want to buy the exact same wedding dress as your best friend, and how you think you have to right to do so because ‘you showed her the dress first’. You also wrote that you’ve bought some decorations and have decided on a venue and date.

No wonder people are confused.

 

Post # 49
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

View original reply
@BartenderPlease:  I think this got lost in the thread or was on her last post, but OP isn’t telling her family and friends.  The only people who know are the waiting bees… She posted that she visited a venue with SO and discussed a wedding date. No contracts were signed, nothing set it stone. And all these wedding bees kept telling her that she’s engaged now whether she likes it or not- hence this thread and that hasn’t gone well.  I don’t think discussing a wedding date or visiting a venue makes you engaged. I think that’s just having open communication about your future and that should be applauded.

Post # 50
Member
9947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Re – Common Law vs Married

In Canada, after a year (12 consecutive months) of living together you are considered Common-Law Married, and have FULL RIGHTS to all the same benefits that married folks enjoy (so Work Benefits of your Common-Law Partner / Spouce… such as Dental, Vision and Life Insurance… these cannot be denied under the Law)

After 3 to 5 Years (depends on the Province / Territory) Canada’s courts determine a Common Law Couple to have FULL RIGHTS under the Provincial and Federal Courts… so you can qualify for things like Spousal Support / Alimony, or Provincial / Federal Survivor / Death Benefits etc.

Couples who wish to engage their rights PRIOR to the 3/5 year period, often write up a Will and a Co-Habitation Agreement, which will ensure that they have those Provincial / Federal Rights without the waiting period (Canadian Couples who are Common-Law are also advised to have this paperwork in place if they travel outside of Canada… as not all countries recognize them otherwise as a “married” couple, and this can cause problems.  Best solution for Canadian Couples still is to marry if they spend a lot of time abroad)

NOTE – It is TRUE that although a lot of folks live together as Common Law Partners in the USA, they are not generally recognized as “married” (not in the same way as we do in Canada… with ALL the rights that entails).  In the USA the definition of being married is much more narrow / conservative, and a ceremony performed by someone approved by the State / Government is what makes it official.

 

Post # 51
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee

Common law doesn’t exist in Oregon.

1. I don’t think that people are saying she’s engaged because they live together; have pets together; have kids together; or anything like that. I think people might assume that because they are PLANNING A WEDDING. People can live together their entire lives without getting engaged, (or even just staying engaged), but most couples who choose to live together without being married aren’t looking at venues because they aren’t planning on getting married and aren’t engaged…otherwise that’s what they working toward (being engaged). 

2. Only the couple can decide if they’re officially engaged. If both agree that they need a proposal, then they’re waiting for a proposal. I see no harm in looking at venues or deciding a date (especially one a couple years into the future). If they’re going around talking about wedding plans that they’ve made, I think people will see them as engaged for good reason…because they’re getting married and are actively planning.

3. If the original poster and her boyfriend don’t consider themselves engaged yet, they’re not engaged. I also think that making an account on a wedding site with a date to be married would lead a lot of people to assume that you’re engaged, since it seems like you’re planning a wedding. If you don’t want people to think you’re engaged, don’t plan a wedding. I don’t see it as offensive to assume someone is engaged because they have a date set and are looking at venues, but if the OP says that she’s not engaged, I don’t understand why people would be trying to convince her that she is.

Post # 52
Member
3458 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

this is a very interesting thread! I’m in a similar situation to OP–as we have not done an official “proposal” (because we live apart and he wants to propose face to face) but we have agreed that we intend to marry, set a date, and did quite a bit of planning. Are we engaged? Meh. Depends on who you ask, I guess. More often, I get comments of “youre not even engaged, why are you planning?!” Those people…don’t get it. And it’s cool because I know our situation is unique and its not meant to be understood by everyone. Which, incidentally is why I could care less what folks say, lol. Anyway, I found it interesting that people seem to be trying to convince OP that she is actually engaged and people that tried to convince me that I’m not. 

 

Post # 53
Member
1972 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

people who PLAN weddings before they are engaged confuse me (activly looking at venues for your wedding before engagement counts as planning IMO, however going to someone elses wedding and thinking I would like this location for my wedding isnt planning)

people who are engaged with no plan to marry also confuse me

Post # 54
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

What a waste of time.

Sounds engaged to me.

Post # 55
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee

I think an engagement is whatever you and your fiancee want it to be. It is different for everybody. Some bees don’t get a ring and consider themselves engaged. Some say you aren’t engaged until there is a ring on the finger. Some need a grand proposal and some just talk about what the next step is and decide at that moment they should get married.  There is no right or wrong.  It is what works for your relationship. You are NOT engaged just because other bees think you are because of what your doing. You will be engaged when your boyfriend proposes if that is how you and your boyfriend want it to happen.

I think why your getting so many responses against your preplanning and not considering yourself engaged is because you came off angry in your post which doesn’t ever really go the way you want it to.

Just shake it off, it sounds like your proposal is coming soon enough. Just save some fun stuff for after the proposal. To much preplanning can take some fun away.

Post # 56
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

You know, I think that these answers are all really reasonable – that if you are actively planning a wedding then you are engaged.

Except, I don’t think that guys think that they are engaged until they ask and propose (with a ring or not). I know that my man likes to speak about how he would like to do things with me, but I’m pretty sure he sees his proposal as a necessary precondition to “being engaged”.

It could be very awkward if you tell people that you are engaged but your partner does not think so. So even if I am collecting ideas – I’m not engaged!

Post # 57
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I believe the people in relationships get to define them, not the judgments of others. We don’t always know (or choose to ignore) other people’s circumstances. OP, if you don’t consider yourself engaged, nor do I 🙂

Post # 58
Member
532 posts
Busy bee

I sorta, maybe, kinda, understand the whole “I’m a waiting Bee” just though… 

The we aren’t engaged yet, but we are planning our wedding, we’ve picked a date, oh and I even bought my dress… is a little crazy. I know the OP said they haven’t booked anything, but I really don’t understand why you are even looking at the moment. 

Post # 59
Member
4428 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

View original reply
@3xaCharm: +1000

if you dont have a” ring” and he has not asked you to marry him or be his wife they how do you plan a wedding? i just dont get it. 

Post # 60
Member
4428 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

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@Bunny82:  im probably so wrong but i feel that if you dont have a symbol of engagement then your not engaged. i dont know about all this talk about well i dont have a ring “we” have decided against it. please what girl dosent want a ring or some symbol of the marriage commitment. if you have no ring and your not “Engaged” i usually tune the wedding talk in one ear and out the other. im sorry. theres a chain of command here.

Post # 61
Hostess
7547 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

View original reply
@glittermoon:  I agree with all of this. I don’t think anyone’s trying to convince her she’s engaged though. They’re just saying why it would be easy for someone to be confused so she shouldn’t be upset. 

 

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