Vent post. Cousin ignored my wedding after we went to hers

posted 2 years ago in Guests
Post # 17
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee

it’s one of those things that sucks and you have right to be hurt. but if you do something voulanterily because family is important to you, you can’t expect the same in return. next time just think how much trouble you want to go through for this person

Post # 18
Member
5803 posts
Bee Keeper

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bride2754 :  I’m sorry, that sucks. If my cousin was getting married and my husband had to work, I’d still go- especially if you’d recently gone out of your way to come to mine. 

And I’m going against the grain here, etiquette etc- but if I put my tit out there for someone, I expect some tat in return! Who decided that tit-for-tat isn’t a thing?! I say it’s a thing. Not always of course, often I’ll do something thoughtful for someone or buy a little gift for no reason at all just to be nice, not to expect something in return. But if I go out of my way to acknowledge and celebrate someone else’s special event and then they turn around and blow off mine, yes I’ll feel put out. This isn’t serious or toxic enough to cut them out of my life, but I’d sure think twice about going out of my way for them again in the future. 

Barring some extenuating circumstance, I think it’s very rude and insensitive for the cousin to just blow off OP with a generic belated decline RSVP. You know the cousin OP- is she often the selfish self-absorbed type who is all about her but fairly thoughtless toward others? If so, then I’d definitely feel slighted. If, however, this is totally out of character for her, I’d forget the tit for tat and be worried she may be going through something more serious than she’s letting on. 

Post # 20
Member
2109 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

If you live your life expecting people to do everything for you that you do for them, you will forever be disappointed. It is unfortunate that she didn’t offer a congratulations or any sort of an explanation, I can understand why that stings. But I would move forward with the understanding that the two of you are not as close as you thought. Expect less from her from now on.

I will say though – when you said “Im shocked that 6 months notice was not enough time for her to plan the trip…” that isn’t totally fair. Life happens. DH’s cousin is getting married the same day my mom is graduating from seminary school. We knew the wedding was happening well over a year in advance, but that didn’t change the fact that we will be at my mom’s graduation that day. Even two years’ notice wouldn’t have caused us to skip mom’s graduation. That said, we will RSVP quickly and send a card and present because we aren’t rude.

Post # 21
Member
4851 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
bride2754 :  maybe she’s afraid to tell you because she fears her reaction or she can’t afford to come? I’m confused why your first assumption s that she’s being intentionally mean? Is that normal for her?

Post # 22
Member
4668 posts
Honey bee

People say weddings aren’t  tit for tat but interestingly enough you see many posts here that so so happened and I’m hurt. I think many people’s feelings do get hurt deep down when something like this happens but it’s just too awkward to confront the other person who hurt your feelings bec others might say/you might look selffish, petty, immature whatever. Totally understandable where you’re coming from. I would be hurt too.

Post # 23
Member
5803 posts
Bee Keeper

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bride2754 :  Unfortunately some people never get over the selfish, thoughtless all-about-them mentality. But I bet she’d be the first one to complain if it was done to her! (lol I know this type well)

Post # 24
Member
2245 posts
Buzzing bee

She has acted the way she always has. 

You caused your own disappointment by expecting someone to change because of an event. Sure, that happens sometimes, but it’s not something to expect. 

She may be immature and need to “grow up”, but so are you and so do you, clearly. 

All she did that was possibly inconsiderate was return her RSVP late. Everything else comes down to you treating weddings the way you think they should be treated and her treating your wedding the way she thinks it should be treated, and there’s nothing wrong with how she has treated your wedding. She’s acting the way guests do, because that’s what she is.

Post # 25
Member
913 posts
Busy bee

If it makes you feel any better, we recieved a few gifts from guest who couldn’t come to our wedding over a month after our wedding. So maybe she will send you a gift later? 

Post # 26
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
bride2754 :  This sucks and I don’t blame you for feeling hurt/frustrated.  It is rude and unkind, especially since she JUST went through her own wedding and should be brushed up on etiquette.

But “she’s the thoughtless type. This is so par for the course.

Unfortunately, weddings (and other major life events) don’t magically change people. If she is usually thoughtless, she’ll continue to be thoughtless. Don’t expect a personality evolution, regardless of the context.

At least now you know and you can adjust all your expectations to rock bottom accordingly.

Post # 27
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I experienced similar. You’d think if you put in an effort for others that they would at least try to reciprocate in some way. Sadly, some people are just self involved and do not think like that. It sucks, but it’s just how it is. Sorry, I’ve been there. This just gives you some more info on your relationship with her and I wouldn’t put much effort in going forward (even though she’s family). It’s her loss!

Post # 28
Member
6791 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I can understand being annoyed after the amount of effort you and your family put into attending her wedding but when you do (or give) things, they should be done out of generosity and not because you expect to receive equal in return. Maybe she’s burnt out. I was after my wedding. Maybe traveling that distance feels like too much for her to do at this time- granted, she should have been more on top of her rsvp but pretty much everything in your post is a story that you’ve made up and chosen to believe (that she doesn’t care about you and your wedding and she was only nice to you until her wedding happened and all of that).

Fact- you and your family put forth a lot of effort to attend her wedding. That was your choice. If it was more than you could manage, you shouldn’t have done it.

Fact- She rsvp’d late to your wedding. That is rude, yes.

Fact- You feel slighted because she didn’t put as much effort into attending your wedding as you put into attending hers.

All the other stuff is emotions and story. You have a right to be hurt or offended but not to have expected that she needed to make an effort to come to your wedding just because you made an effort to go to hers.

Post # 29
Member
9369 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

the driving your grandmother 20 hours round trip sounds like something to help your grandma and immediate family.  i wouldn’t use that against the bride.  although a nice note is always appreciated.

Post # 30
Member
2403 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Go on and everybody tell me I am full of crap, but the Golden Rule is around longer than today’s popular belief. That anyone can shit on you, and you have to be ok with it. 

It’s your right to be very kind and generous towards your cousin, that is your choice, and it means nothing. If your cousin doesn’t choose to return your niceness, then she doesn’t have to, and it is she who will be defended over your trod on feelings. 

I don’t buy into it.

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